Friends and Roomates
by hahayoufunnyvet
Summary: MerDer This story starts three months after Derek choses Addison and leaves Meredith heartbroken, contains alot of addek angst too and minor izzex
1. Chapter 1

It had been 3 months, three unbelievably long, hard months, but today, she wasn't sure why, but today felt easier. Raiding the over-sized fridge for last night's pizza, she silently thanked herself for being smart enough to let Izzie move in last year. If it wasn't for Izzie she wouldn't have to hunt through the overflow of delicious foods before her. Granted she did only want the pizza, the pizza she'd purposefully left 2 slices of last night for her breakfast. But it was nice to finally live in a house she could truly call home. This house had technically been her home growing up, but it was never really a home. Her mother worked the kind of hours she only now understands. The fridge was never short of supplies, she never went hungry, her mother's wages saw to that. But it never over-flew with great smelling sauces, cakes and things alike. Her fridge growing up was like her life back then, it had just enough of the necessities to make it hard for her to complain too loudly, but severely lacking in anything that made her lick her lips with anticipation over.

Even right through her schooling she never felt that anticipation for anything concrete. She day-dreamed about the days when she would finally be a surgeon, she day-dreamed about eventually finding a man she wanted to spend her days with and not just the occasional night. She often laughed sadly to herself about the fact she had never really dreamed of meeting Mr Right. Whether intentional or not, she was following her mothers footsteps, and if history repeated itself, she was destined to be alone. But still she day-dreamed, when she wasn't studying her world was filled with what if's. Closing the fridge and placing the pizza in the microwave a mix of emotions flooded through her. Her stomach churned slowly as she realized, it wasn't until this year; it wasn't until Derek that she licked her lips over anything that was happening to her right then, at that time in her life. Not past, no future. The present was lip lickingly good. Smiling to herself for a moment she looked at her watch. Tapping the clear disc of its face lightly she smiled a little wider. It had been 30 minutes since she woke up, 30 whole minutes.

It took her 30 minutes to think about him.

She has showered and dressed, granted she had only thrown on a pair of dark soft denim jeans and a beige jumper, the one that tickles the back of her neck but its warm, and the weather is freezing this morning. And she had almost fed herself without thinking about him. She hadn't thought about him in the shower, she giggled to herself. She couldn't remember the last time she had a shower without him in one way or another. God the things that man could make her feel in the shower. With and without him present

DING

"Whatcha heating up?" Meredith jumped, she hoped only internally as Izzie came into the kitchen and proceeded to make some orange juice.

"I'm making breakfast" Meredith muttered, pulling the warm plate from the microwave and picking up a slice of crusty unappealing pizza from it. Her voice crackled and low, a sound she'd grown used to over the last year although she still cursed the lack of sleep she was still having.

"You're heating up old pizza, lets not pretend you made anything, or that it is breakfast" Izzie smarted off playfully. Meredith smiled, her face dipped to the pizza in her hand, her eyes smiling at Izzie through the hair now lightly covering her forehead. She loved these mornings with Izzie, at work Izzie was a bit frantic, and although she never really talked about it these days, she was still un-comfy around Meredith and Cristina. She had never really broken into the bond they had. They all got along well most of the time and they loved each other dearly, but between Cristina's inabilities to let anyone close aside from Meredith, and the bond they both shared because both of them we're sleeping with their bosses. Not to mention the fact that when they started out as interns Izzie spent most of her effort and energy on George, they just never grew any closer. Izzie had always thought it was impossible to have more then one best friend anyways. There was and should always be that one person you give more of yourself to then anyone else. There's not enough time in the day to sustain more then that.

But now as Meredith finished her pizza and Izzie prepared a well balanced breakfast they were closer. Izzie had always mothered her own mother and although she told herself daily she did the right thing giving Sarah to another family, her motherly instincts still over-drove sometimes. So it was nice to live with someone like Meredith, someone in desperate need of a mother. They never really noticed how intentionally they created those roles, from this simple playing over Meredith's eating habits, to Izzie often trying to stay awake until Meredith got home from another night at Joes.

"You were home and in bed early last night" Izzie remarked, it wasn't so much a question, more a statement, though Meredith wasn't sure.

"I didn't feel like going to Joes last night. Pete the vomit guy lived up to his name right before my shift ended, vomit and then tequila isn't how I like my nights to start" she giggled

"Usually the other way round" Izzie joked

"Ha ha. Incase you haven't noticed, I haven't seen my tequila twice in over 2 weeks" Meredith feigned pride. The coffee she was drinking, burning her lip slightly as she took a sip

"I have noticed. How sad is that Meredith? My life is that mundane at the moment, I am following your vomit pattern" they both shared a laugh filled with fun and underlining sadness.

"You can be the treasurer of the wesuck society. We get together most free evenings over an assortment of tangy drink and discuss the current events of our sucky lives. I am of course its president" laughing, Izzie stole Meredith's second slice of pizza and replaced it with some pancakes and bacon.

"You need a president's breakfast. No arguments" Meredith smiled and happily took a bite from a pancake.

"I may be resigning as president soon. If you want the position?" Izzie turned from the cooker confused at Meredith's comment. "I'm on the healing train. It spent 30 blissful minutes this morning. Not thinking about McDesert-me, and I think. ."

"Oh god Mer I am so sorry. It completely slipped my mind" Izzie cut her off frantically. "I tried to tell you last night, but you were sleeping and now, oh god please don't hate me" Izzie rambled on, her eyes barely meeting Meredith's

"Iz you're freaking me out. What is it?" Meredith tried to meet her eye

"It's just he showed up and it was late and I couldn't just send him away. You wouldn't have sent him away if you were me. It was so cold out and the rain, Mer it was raining"

"Izzie seriously, what?"

"Good morning ladies" Meredith dropped the pancake from her hand on the table, it half missing the plate. Turning round her eyes confirmed what she already knew

"What are you doing her Derek?" she spoke slowly, training to remain unfazed by his presence. They had begun a friendship of kinds of the last month; she shouldn't be fazed by him. But at work and the bar it was different, she was in control, she was Dr Grey. Now with him standing, leaning against the door frame of her kitchen, in thin pale blue PJ bottoms and a scruffy yet brilliant white t-shirt, his 5 o'clock shadow more prominent after a nights sleep. His eyes still not accustomed to the morning light. Now she felt out of control

"Derek? A minute ago with McDesert-me" He smiled playfully, walking over to the stack of pancakes on her plate and taking one for himself. "That was incredibly endearing by the way." Meredith couldn't process what was going on, Derek was in her kitchen, and Derek spent the night. Derek spent the night with Izzie?

"What are doing here, and if you don't say the rest of the world was blown up and my house is the only thing left standing, I swear to go if you say anything involving you and Izzie" Meredith ranted a mile a minute, her head now racing with images and confusion

"NO" Izzie chimed in. "god no Meredith" Meredith's heart stopped for a second and regained a slightly slower pace. Looking away from Izzie her eyes bored into Derek's, waiting for some answers.

"The rest of the world blew up and you house was the only thing left standing" He mumbled through a mouthful of pancake. Sucking the butter from his thumb has he swallowed, Meredith mentally kicked herself for watching his lips wrap around his thumb pad. He giggled softly in the way only Derek can when we saw she wasn't amused with him. He had to admit he absolutely loved how hot was looked when she was angry and flustered. "My trailer had a gas leek. I had been in work all day. I have been advised to stay elsewhere for a night or two." Without a word her eyes asked him why he chose to come here "I don't really know anybody here in Seattle still, if im not in the trailer, I'm working. I was going to go stay at the Archfield" Derek paused, not sure whether it was a good idea to keep talking.

"But?" Meredith urged him. Izzie turned her back from the couple, suddenly feeling very much like a third wheel. Derek coughed and found Meredith's eyes again

"But Addison and I got into a fight because she wants me to not fix the trailer and just find a new place to live. It got pretty heavy. So I took off. I didn't think about where I was going to spend the night, until I had already left the hotel and was in Joes. Izzie" He said now glancing over at Izzie who was busying herself with the dishes from last night "Izzie was kind enough to tell me if I had no where else I could come here" it was Meredith's turn to look over at Izzie only her gaze was less then thankful, Derek caught ever undertone of her eyes "I didn't want to cause any trouble with you, so I told Izzie no, and she thanked me for declining because she didn't want to upset you either. But when it got to 1am and I was drunk in Joes alone. I was stupid and I came here. I am sorry" His eyes apologized more intently then his words

"There's no reason to be sorry. We are friends now and you needed a place to stay. That is a friend thing. You didn't upset me" she hoped her words didn't sound as empty as they felt inside. Needing to leave the room, she stood up and grabbed her coffee. "Stay as long as you want. The couch is yours. Though you might wanna tell your wife you're staying at your dirty ex mistresses" She cursed herself for not walking out the door before she said that last part. Turning on her heel she made a run for the door and away from him.

"I won't stay another night" Derek told Izzie, shifting his eyes away from where Meredith had been standing.

"Probably a good idea" Izzie replied. Both of them knowing Meredith was less then fine with him being there, but neither of them bold enough to verbalize it incase she could hear.

ring ring Derek pulled the phone from his jacket hanging over the side the chair he was sitting at. Izzie tried not to listen to the conversation he was having. She was Ok with helping him when he was in need, but she was still Meredith's friend and she most definitely not comfortable listening to Derek and Addison having a domestic. She sighed with relief when Derek muttered "Gas guy" to her. Walking from the room and into the living room Derek continued his conversation.

After finishing the dishes and hearing Derek cuss from the next room, Izzie joined him in the living room.

"Everything Ok?" she ask

"I don't really understand the technicalities of it, but they basically said after further inspection I am going to have to find somewhere else to stay for a week." He dropped his face into his firm hands.

"That's fine. Stay the week." Meredith said overly chirpy from the door.

"I couldn't possibly, but thank you" Derek responded, scanning the phone numbers in his cell for a solution

"Really it's Ok. We are friends now. "Meredith half pleaded. Her mouth in full smile mode but her eyes lost in the thoughts how she can spend another 2 minutes with him here, let alone a week.

"I couldn't Meredith" He snapped slightly, his eyes still not leaving his phone. Sensing he'd upset her, he lifted his eyes to meet hers, "I am sorry. It wouldn't be fair to Addison"

"She can stay too" she could barely believe the words spilling from her mouth. Derek just stared, unsure what to say "George's family are in town and they are insisting he stay with them, despite his best efforts to get out of it" she rambled on, hoping that if she talked long enough he'd forget she invited his wife to stay. "George's room is free"

Izzie wish she had popcorn, watching car wrecks on cops wasn't near as interesting as watching Meredith create her own emotional wrecks.

Derek didn't know what to do, if he declined it would be rude and it would also ruin what little friendship they have built. Turning her down would mean he still felt too awkward around her and while that was completely true, he couldn't keep hurting her by letting her see. Addison would never go for it anyways he thought, so why not just be polite

"Thank you Meredith. I will mention it to Addison" his eyes left hers when he said Addison's name.

Meredith grabbed her keys and called out for Izzie to follow her to the car. The first 5 minutes of the journey were spent in silence.

"Mer?" Izzie inquired.

"I am fine" Meredith cut in, pre-empting Izzie's questions.

"I went 30 minutes without thinking of him this morning. I can spend a week living with him. I am fine. Stop looking at me like I am not fine. I am fine. Besides this is all your fault"


	2. Chapter 2

The morning could have definitely started better. In the last 24 hours Derek had managed to argue with both the women in his life. He didn't know why he was still surprised by that. There wasn't a day gone by the last 3 months he hadn't fought with one of them every day. Addison definitely tipped the scale with how often she fought with him but if he balanced the amount of fights with Addison with the amount of heartache the fights with Meredith caused him they were almost even.

Fighting with Addison had simply just become something he does. The stupidest part of all was he wouldn't really call what he did with Addison fighting, but he couldn't think of a better description of it. Addison would beg him to try harder; Addison would beg him to move into a house, Addison Addison Addison. No matter what she did or said his response was the same, irritated toleration. He hated feeling the way he did for her and their marriage, he hated how she betrayed him, he hated how embarrassing and pride destroying it was. But most of all he hated that it didn't rip his heart out.

Eleven years of marriage, eleven pretty content years together and it took him less then 2 months to fall in love with someone else.

What kind of man was he?

What kind of man does that?

He wished he could blame revenge and rebound on his rapid and intense feelings for Meredith, any reason at all would satisfy him, any other reason then his marriage was a sham, any reason that didn't mean he failed as a husband. Eleven years ago he was so sure he would be a good husband. Until these last 6 months he had thought he was madly in love with Addison when he proposed and wed her. Their relationship worked. They had grown up in the same circles, she studied and worked with him, it was the perfect solution to having a relationship and a career as a surgeon.

In the early years he loved passing her by in the corridors at work, looking forward to going home and being with his wife. He knew as the years passed he didn't look forward to going home like he used to. Work was always stressful and tiring but most of all he was stuck in a rut.

Every day the same, never anything new, Addison was a good woman and a good wife, but he'd recently and heartbreakingly realized he had someone else picked out for the love of his life.

**I don't know what's wrong**

**I don't know what's right**

**But I can't stop hurting you**

**I can't stop hurting you**

**We talk so coolly about the pros and cons**

**I love you, I love you, I love you**

**I can't stop hurting you**

**I need to, I need to**

**I can't stop hurting you**

**I can't, I can't**

**I can't stop hurting you**

**It's getting bad; I don't know what to do**

"Meredith's? You can not possibly be serious, Derek. Meredith's? "Addison stood before him hands on her hips, something about today reminded him of New York, of her in New York. He wondered what it was about her, while she ranted incessantly about his proposal to stay with Meredith. "Are you even listening to me Derek?" It was her hair, It was perfect, like is always was in New York, she was perfectly groomed. The hotel supplies definitely worked for her.

"Wait Addison, where are you going?" Derek finally spoke as she stepped into the busy elevator before them.

"So you can actually see me then?" Addison smarted as he pushed his way into the elevator beside her. Derek smiled half apologetically, and turned his attention to the numbers and lights above the door. Addison signed once again defeated, he wasn't going to fight with her about this, and he never fought about anything these days. One mistake, she made one error in judgement over a bottle of wine 6 months ago. I guess that meant she had to back down with every supposed fight they had. "We can't stay at Meredith's Derek. I can't stay at Meredith Grey's" Her voice softer and resolved.

"That's what I already told her" Derek spoke, his words meant to comfort but lately his tone was that dry Addison could never read him right. Her husband of eleven years and she couldn't read him. It broke her heart. "I never expected you to say yes. Its fine, I promised I would pass along the offer and now I have, so let's drop it"

"Did Meredith expect me to say yes?" The offer now fully dawning on her

"Why would Meredith offer to let you and ME stay at her house? Besides we have the hotel, I can pay for the hotel" Derek glanced over at her quickly and then reverted his eyes back to the door.

"Its not about the money Addison" his voice was laced with a mild hint of humour

"Derek is this yet another form of punishment you have thought up? Do you really want me to say yes to this? I don't know what you want from me" After 3 months of so-called trying on his part and heart wrenching trying on her part, she was at a loss of what to do to please him anymore.

"You remember the vows don't you? I expected at the least those from you" He shocked himself at his minor outburst; he hated how much pain he was putting her through. He knew he was only punishing her because of his own failures. "I'm sorry. Look this isn't me trying to hurt you. I don't want to stay a hotel, I hate hotels and I don't want to buy a house, I will eventually build a house but until then I don't want one. I hated my place in New-"

"Our place" Addison cut in,

"Right yes, our place. I hated it. It was so . . . New York! I won't be mad if we don't stay at Meredith's. I was just thinking on the way to work that it might be a good way of showing you I am trying" Now Addison was completely confused.

"How does staying at your ex-mistresses do that?" Her arms now folded subconsciously mimicking his stance, subconsciously trying to be as connected to him as possible.

**She looked at me with eyes that cut right through me and said**

**"You must be blind**

**Let me tell you a little something about yourself**

**You're the hurtin' kind"**

**I must admit after the pain and fight**

**I've a sneaking suspicion that you might be right**

"Meredith is a friend now, you know that" Addison nodded, she did know or she at least wished it was true.

She knew Derek was in love with Meredith long before he told her he was. She had simply been hoping for it to pass. She had fallen in love with Mark those months before Derek caught them in bed together. The month or so she spent with Mark when Derek left only cemented the fact that love can be fleeting. Mark turned her on in a way her husband never had. She felt loved and wanted in Marks arms, but after the tennis instructor and the numerous and nurses he cheated on her with, she realized he could fabricate those emotions. Even when life was hard with Derek he never lied to her. On the days he loved her deeply she felt it and on the days she was the last person he wanted to see she felt that too. She just wished she'd once felt he loved her over these last 3 months. Oh how she wished Meredith was as going to be fleeting too.

"If we spend the week at Meredith's, you will see that we are friends, we are all friends" He could see he wasn't convincing her and he wasn't sure why he was trying to convince her. Did he really believe spending a week with Meredith would help his marriage? "Meredith knows were my loyalty lies Addison. She is happy to have me and my wife as her lodgers" All Addison heard from his speech was, me and my wife. He hadn't called her his wife without it being bitterly in all these months.

The elevator door dinged open on Addison's floor, stepping out and turning to face him she smiled

"One week Derek Shepard"

"One week" He returned as the doors closed.

"You did WHAT?" Cristina gasped, losing all interest in the case chart in her hands

"I invited Derek and . . . and"

"Meredith when you can't even say the name of the woman he's married to, you DON'T invite them to stay at your house. Did you seriously take stupid pills for breakfast?"

"I don't know" Meredith slumped further down the wall behind her as she sat on one of the empty beds in the dark corridor. Cristina stared at her. Meredith had done many a stupid thing were Derek was concerned but this took the biscuit.

"Addison Montgomery Shepard living with you. Nope it doesn't sound less stupid out loud"

"Cristina could you please try and be supportive"

"What am I supposed to support Mer? Your inevitable demise into the dark side again? . . . No good can come from this"

Meredith sat in silence, she didn't know what to do or say. She had successfully ruined all her efforts to regain her pride

"There is no way Derek is getting her to say yes" Cristina offered, hoping to help

"I am such a screw up Cristina. I was only trying to help him"

"Your dark and twisty heart couldn't resist the thought of him living with you, you mean" Meredith looked over at Cristina fixing to tell her how wrong she was, but there were no words

"It's going to be fine" Cristina said with conviction

"Really?" Meredith mumbled

"No" Cristina said trying to pick her mood up with some Yang filled sarcasm. Meredith smiled and chuckled a little, Nudging Cristina slightly with her shoulder.

"You're meant to be my person. Isn't my person meant to make me feel better?"

"You should put a ad up on the bulletin board for a new person." Meredith now laughed whole heartedly "well maybe not"

"Dr Shepard you paged me" Meredith spoke entering Pete the vomit guy's room; she smiled sweetly over at Pete. Memories of his parting gift last night coming to mind.

"Ah yes Dr Grey, Could you get me Mr Timms CT results please" Derek asked her, his eyes never leaving the chart in his hand. How was he going to tell her Addison said yes.

"Certainly" Meredith smiled again at Pete and walked out of the room. She wanted to ask if there was anything else he needed. The quicker he told her he wasn't coming home with her tonight the better

As the doors began to close on the elevator Derek did what he found himself doing on a daily basis, he was running to catch it before she got away. Meredith moved to the back of the small space they shared. Ignoring her obvious want for him to keep his distance he couldn't help himself, he stood right beside her, his body betraying him again. His senses were intoxicated with the sweet smell of her. He could happily sit and list all the different scents that combine to make Meredith, Meredith. But right now he had to potentially rock their very shaky boat.

"Addison said thank you for letting us stay with you" his eyes bore into the floor, his heart tingeing slightly as she tensed up beside him.

"She said yes" Meredith asked, her throat was so tight she was afraid to swallow.

"Yes she was more then happy" Derek tried to joke, his eyes betraying the smile his lips were trying to show. "No seriously, she knows staying with you is better then at a hotel"

"You mean she knows how much you don't wanna stay in a hotel and she is doing anything you want to do" a smile finally reached his eyes.

"We are trying to make this work" he wasn't sure if he was telling her or himself.

Her eyes locked deeply on his eyes, the sharp blue of hers colliding with the chocolate deepness of his. They both didn't know when they had turned to face each other. But now they stood face to face, his breath coffee filled invading her senses. She loved the taste of his lips after a hot cup of coffee. Especially in the mornings when his aftershave and shower cream drowned her senses as he kissed her before leaving for work

"I have already said Derek. You wouldn't be you if you weren't trying"

"Would you have still fallen in love with me if I wasn't that guy" Derek's right hand now covered the top of her small arm, the heat of his skin burning through her scrubs.

"Derek we can't talk like this. What does it matter anyways, you're married. You are that guy?" Meredith moved from before him and stood as close to the door as she could, her heart beating rapidly against her chest

"Sometimes I wish I wasn't" His voice was drenched in regret and sorrow. Meredith had to fight every fibre of her being to remain with her back to him. Her eyes now filled with warm tears, the lump in her throat threatening to spill them down her cheeks.

"Derek" she wanted to say more, she wanted to tell him it'd all be ok, he would be ok. But anymore words would result is her losing even more of her pride.

"Would you still have loved me" He couldn't help himself, he had be torturing himself for months trying to be the man she fell in love with and it was killing him.

"I don't know" was all she could give him as a response. "But if you are living with me for the next week, you need to stop doing this Ok? You are married!"

"I am married and I am that guy" he ran his fingers through his messy curls

"I love that guy" Meredith muttered, hoping her didn't hear as she stepped out the elevator.

Derek needed to be on the same floor too but he couldn't bring himself to leave the elevator, as the doors closed again he wiped the one tear now residing on his cheek.

**Theres no mercy in a live wire  
No rest at all in freedom  
Of the choices we are given its no choice at all  
The proof is in the fire  
You touch before it moves away  
But you must always know how long to stay and when to go**

**Feedback loved **


	3. Chapter 3

"Just a coke please Joe" Meredith sat half slumped on her bar stool. She had left the locker room and headed to the bar before all her friends had even finished their rounds. She didn't really want to be alone; she had wanted to be alone for most of the last 3 months. She was tired of alone. But she didn't think she could handle seeing at the concerned looks on their faces, and the guilt on Izzie's part. She had told them all day she was fine, she had used the word that many times she wasn't sure if she was saying it right anymore. It sounded funny to her ears. "Fine . . . fine . . . fine" she stopped when she caught Joe looking at her perplexed.

"I am fine Joe, can I have my coke?" Her voice was as croaky as ever.

"A fine Meredith doesn't order coke" He smiled knowingly as he slid the cold ice filled glass to her, water from the glass leaving a trail behind it on the dark wood of the bar.

"I can't drink tonight. My ex and his wife are setting up home in my house" Joe knew better then to ask for more details "My house Joe!"

"Shouldn't that warrant a reason to drink?" Joe lifted the bottle of Meredith's favourite tequila up into her eye line.

"I am not the greatest drunk Joe, I get very stupid and I made stupid choices and say stupid things . . . It's all very stupid" Joe just smiled, her heard her friends calling her dark and twisty all the time, he was definitely witnessing one of her dark and twisted moments. "I think someone spiked my breakfast this morning actually" Meredith exclaimed. For sure she could only be so stupid while intoxicated

"Who spiked your breakfast?" his voice never failed to make her spine tingle. Spinning on her bar tool with coke in hand, Meredith's heart sunk for probably the tenth time that day. Standing before her too close for her liking, were Derek and his wife. She knew she needed to learn to use her name but for now she had to keep calling her his wife for fear of it slipping her mind and her possibly experiencing a moment without this pain.

"You keep doing that . . . ear-winging my conversations and butting in "Derek just smiled seemingly unfazed by the uncomfortable-ness of the situation he was in. He hadn't spoken to Meredith since their moment in the elevator; she had left the CT for him to collect to avoid him. He really didn't want the next time they spoke to be with Addison beside him but considering the gods were on a roll with destroying his life it was fitting that he would be standing here desperately want to say a thousand things to Meredith. Most of which start with the words I am sorry, but all he can do is stand here staring and try is hardest to be Addison's husband

"Hi" Meredith smiled wide,

"Thank you for letting us stay with you" Addison reluctantly said, her arm snaking around Derek's back and round to hold his waist.

"It's my pleasure" The smile not leaving Meredith's lips as she spoke for fear of her true emotion showing.

**One has my name, the other has my heart  
With one I'll remain, that's how my heartaches start  
One has brown eyes, the other's eyes are blue  
To one I am tied, to the other I am true**

The three of them stood in silence, both Meredith and Addison hoping Derek would relieve them of this awkwardness. After what felt like an eternity Derek coughed and spoke "Izzie is staying longer at the hospital with a patient. She told me I would find you here" Meredith never responded, she still didn't know why he was standing before her with his wife.

"I need a key to get into the house" Derek finally realized she was lost.

"Oh right yes, a key. Of course a key" Meredith rambled along as she dug in her bag. "This is the only key I have on--" Addison's hand started to slowly caress Derek's hip, her body was leaning closer and closer to him. Derek knew what Addison was doing and while he hated that it was definitely getting to Meredith, he had to try harder with Addison. Pulling his hand from his pocket he placed it lightly over Addison's "On me" Meredith finished, willing herself to keep her eyes away from the public display of painful affection before her "I am not going home yet. I am meeting someone" She didn't know why she said that, it wasn't true. But a small part of her smiled inside when Derek dropped his hand from Meredith's and his body grew tighter. "Just leave the door open for me; we often don't lock the door"

"Yes I know" Derek commented without thinking, it was now Addison's turn to tighten up. Realizing his mistake Derek pulled Addison to him loosely, his hand not really touching her, but her body was flushed beside his. Addison knew she should have been upset that he was showing affection for Meredith's benefit but the feel of him with his arm round her was too good, she was starting to think this living with Meredith idea might be good. Derek could grow more comfortable with her physically while his mind is slightly preoccupied.

**One has my love, the other only me  
But what good is love to a heart that can't be free?**

**So I'll go on livin' my life just the same**

**While one has my heart, the other has my name**

"Well . . ." Meredith had nothing else to say, here was the man she loved with his arm around another woman, and he was about to take said woman back to her home. Life seriously couldn't get worse.

"Well we're going to go collect our things from the hotel, and we will see you in the morning" Addison finished for her, trying to pull Derek out of his own world. She knew what was in that world right now. There was Meredith and some random guy, doing things Addison would sleep better not thinking about. His eyes were dark and staring intensely at a space behind Meredith. "Derek?" Addison pulled him physically towards the door. "Enjoy your date" Addison added, she was a glutton for punishment these days because the pained look Derek gave Meredith shot right to her heart.

**One has brown eyes, the other's eyes are blue  
To one I am tied, to the other I am true  
One has my love, the other only me  
But what good is love to a heart that can't be free?**

**If I could live over, my life I would change**

**The one who has my heart would also have my name**

"Enjoy my house" Meredith muttered like a little child as they left the bar.

"Tequila?" Joe asked, already placing a shot glass before her

"Leave the bottle" Meredith demanded cutely, her fingers running along the collar of her jumper, she really hated this jumper. Right now digging into her neck she thought it was the worst piece of clothing she ever bought, why did she ever think it was a good idea to wear it again. She already discovered not long after she purchased it that it wasn't good for her, but she foolishly gave it another chance hoping the unpleasant weather would make it worth while. No never again. When she gets home tonight she swears she's taking it off and never wearing it again

Seven shots later the jumper wasn't irritating her anymore. Her mind was also engaged in a very none taxing conversation with a tall well built man. She could take him tonight, it was her house. Its not like it would really bother Derek anyways, he'll be busy lying beside his wife. Holding his wife, – "Do you wanna get outta here?" Meredith slid from her stool, her legs quivering from the alcohol.

"Shh . . ." Meredith pressed her index finger to her lips as she pushed open her front door. Every light was already off. Grabbing the man by the front of his jacket she half fell half stumbled into the hallway and preceded upstairs. Reaching the top of the stairs she turned to her what others would call inappropriate man and kissed him square on the lips, the kisses were clumsy as they manoeuvred to her bedroom, she was pleased to find he was as impatient as she was to get right to it. Meredith lifted her arms as he pulled the jumper from her, she missed the warmth of the wool against her skin but she loved the relief she felt to be relieved of it. Stumbling back into her bedroom she closed the door, leaving her shoes, jumper and bra on the other side of the door and along the hall.

Derek hadn't been able to sleep all night. His only entertainment for the last 3 hours was the shadows in his new room. Addison had fallen sleep almost immediately; she had given up trying to talk to him in bed. She found him more defensive when they were between the sheets. His fist clenched so tight he could make out the white marks on his hands through the dim street lights as they lightened up the room a fraction. He could hear her giggling. Her voice was so captivating the sweet way it reached pitches he couldn't fathom. He especially loved when the time she spent in Boston studying became evident in her speech. There was nothing cuter then a squeaky Boston accent coming from a small delicate blonde. He used to term blonde loosely as she was one of the smartest women he'd ever met. His happier thoughts were again ruined by the shuffling and noises coming from across the hallway. Meredith had always been very vocal in bed, but it angered and broke his heart to hear it wasn't only him who made her moan. "Like that" Meredith moaned. Pulling the pillow from beneath him he placed it over his head. It wouldn't last long, he kept telling himself.

Twenty minutes later he could still hear shuffling and voices, this couldn't be happening. How could she do this to him? Was that their voices or was it just his head replaying the last twenty minutes of his life. Sitting up he concentrated, trying to hear her, he really didn't want to hear her voice right now but he couldn't go asleep until he knew she was asleep and no other guy was touching her.

Lifting Addison's leg from around his, he made his way slowly to the door. Taking the cold brass handle in his hand he opened it as quietly as he could. His heart race rapidly slowing as he heard snoring from her room, sighing heavily he tip toed along to the bathroom. Opening the door his initial reaction was pain as the light bulb stung his eyes, the second was astonishment as Meredith stood wearing nothing but her panties and her Dartmouth t-shirt, hovering over the sink, her fingers under the cold tap as it ran smoothly across her skin.

He probably should have acted more startled and uncomfortable with her being half dressed, but if he was honest, images of her dressed like this ran through his mind constantly.

"Are you sick?" he asked from the door way as he stepped inside and closed it behind him.

"I am fine Derek, just a little exhausted" She didn't want to hurt him but damn it he was sleeping across the hall from her with another woman and would be for another 6 nights.

"Are you trying to hurt me?" his words were sharp, Meredith cupped some water in her hands and splashed it over her flustered face. "What was the point in spending hours in the bar; you could have simply called one of those hot lines. I am sure in a city as big as Seattle they have male prostitutes" he stood behind her as she remained hovered over the sink, her hands how covering her face and running through her sticky hair. The sexual nature of their positioning was lost on both of them at this moment.

"Derek I swear to god, don't do this now . . . what do you want from me? I am not your girl--"

"No you most certainly aren't that girl anymore" His pulse was now racing again, beads of sweat formed above his lip. He was so mad at her, how could she inflict so much intentional pain upon him.

"You had me all wrong Derek" Meredith now turned to face him, their bodies close enough to combine heat. Although he was absolutely enraged with her, his eyes still lowered to the heaving of her chest, the Dartmouth logo moving up and down as she panted, she smelt like sex and it tuned his stomach. Taking two steps back he took a deep and well needed breath. "I am this girl. I have always been this girl. The girl I was, I am with you, it isn't me. I like getting drunk and sleeping with whoever I choose, that is just who I am. This person you make me be, this pathetic person makes me sick. You make me sick Derek. So yeah I am sick. Thanks for asking"

She could barely believe the words escaping her lips. Her mouth was dry from dehydration but verbal vomit was flowing in spades. She hated that it made he feel a little bit better to see him now crumbling before her.

"I make you a better person" Derek had taken all she said and turned it all around.

"Don't twist my words Derek, you didn't make me a better person, you made me bitter . . . I want us to be friends because we work together. And I want us to be friends because I can't let you go just yet but, but you turn me into someone I don't wanna be, someone I don't like." Derek moved back towards her, his bare feet brushing against hers.

**Every day I take a bitter pill that gets me on my way  
For the little aches and pains  
The ones I have from day to day  
To help me think a little less about the things I miss  
To help me not to wonder how I ended up like this**

"I like who you are, even if you don't" his hand moved towards her lowered face, his fingers lightly touching the lining of her jaw, gently urging her to meet his gaze. His other hand moved to brush the tears from her cheeks. Their hearts now beating in sync with each others, his chest a fraction away from feeling hers against him, lowering his head slightly his breath caught in his throat when he felt her cold finger tips on his lower spine.

Cough

The sound of the mystery man in her room coughing was just the slap in the face Derek needed to pull back before life got even more complicated. "You should go back your one night stand" His eyes were still dark with longing but with each passing second they were filled with anger again. Visions of her with someone else were slicing him apart inside.

"You have a wife Derek. She's right down the hall. You don't get to make me the bad guy, I didn't have a secret husband tucked away, waiting to come along just when you were happy" his eyes softened into sadness, she hated this look on his face, this puppy dog, please don't leave me alone face. She could hear him trying to regain his breathing. "I don't think your wife would appreciate you standing in my bathroom at three in the morning with me . . . Go to bed Derek"

Derek nodded in agreeance and left her in the bathroom. Meredith took a few moments to catch her breath before she walked out the bathroom and over to her bedroom door. She had hoped he had simply gone back into his room but feeling his eyes bore into her from across the way she paused before entering her room.

"Don't go in there please" he spoke quietly, his voice desperate and dry

**I walk down to the railroad track and ride a rusty train  
With a million other faces I shoot through the city veins  
Goodbye, goodbye, goodbye old friend  
You wanted to be free  
Somewhere beyond the bitter end is where I want to be**

"Go to be Derek" she pleaded, not once turning to meet the intensity of his eyes

"I hate this" He offered sadly.

"Good night" Meredith mumbled as she walked into her room and closed the door behind her.

Feedback is loved


	4. Chapter 4

It had been two days since Derek and Addison invaded Meredith's home with their belongings and married selves. Derek and Meredith had done all they could to avoid each other. Their last couple of interactions had made Meredith weary being alone with him or around him full stop. She couldn't figure out why he was trying to keep the fire burning between them. He had chosen his wife, both eleven years ago and again three months ago. Three months ago he could have walked away and still left the marriage the wronged party. It was his decision; Addison couldn't have forced him to stay just as Meredith couldn't have forced him to choose her. The fact that she had even tried to beg him to pick her still made her want to cry, cry for her pride and for her broken heart. A part of her wished she hadn't begged that she hadn't done everything she could to keep him. Maybe if she hadn't, she could have lived easier, lived in blissful oblivion, knowing it was possibly her fault. Maybe he hadn't known how much she loved him, and maybe if he had he never would have chosen his adulterous wife over her.

The last few days had be particularly hard on her, for the majority of the last three months, Derek had made it known he still cared for her, but lately his longing looks were becoming longing touches too. Only the smallest gesture, his hand on her arm, his fingers brushing hers to the rhythm of his heart as they stood side by side in the elevator, but no matter how small it was it was him and it ripped her apart inside, the uncontrollable contrast from fluttering hearts to shattering realities was more then she could stand.

She had taken everything in her stride, telling him to stop and walking away with her dignity in tact most of the time. Years of walking away from painful encounters with her mother had taught her how to keep her heartache and tears locked away from those causing them. Everything had changed when she met Derek. Not 6 months after falling drunkenly onto her couch with him she was before him crying, begging and pleading. The saddest part was she had never felt more like herself. The self she had never really been all her life.

Why did it take a married man to show her who she really was?

She couldn't say he brought out the best in her like he had suggested the other night, she definitely liked the fact that old Meredith didn't cry. And old Meredith slept most nights. But new Meredith had its perks, or at least it did until Derek chose his wife.

Meredith had handled all of it well even if she did say so herself. But Derek pushed his luck with her emotions the night before last. What right did he have to walk into her bathroom and press up against like that, smelling like he did and looking at her so intensely?

It was her choice who she slept with, just because he was living under the same roof it didn't mean she had to stop living her life.

He was completely out of line acting possessive and making her think that he might love her. Of course he didn't love her, he loved his wife, he mightn't like his wife very much but he loved her. Eleven years together or not, one thing she knew about Derek Shepard was, he was a romantic, if he didn't love her he would have left her.

He would have left her

He couldn't love me, Meredith told herself over and over. Finally her brain had a falling out with her heart and for the last day or so they hadn't talked at all. Meredith had merely worked ate and slept. She had also fought off any desires to bring home another guy on the off chance Derek gave her repeat performance of jealously and passion.

Today she had the morning off due to the new rules at the hospital demanding an eighty hour a week work limit. She had cleaned the kitchen, sorted out her music collection alphabetically, only to then realize how anal that made her feel and re-did the sorting, mainly into piles of heartache music and happy music. She had to smirk to find the heartache pile was significantly higher, Sarah McLaughlin and Jeff Buckley topping the collection. Taken Jeff Buckley's Grace from its case, she walked over to her stereo, placing it gently into the CD holder. Meredith closed her eyes and swayed softly as the first track began.

It's a song about a dream

Well i'm lying in my bed  
The blanket is warm  
This body will never be safe from harm  
Still feel your hair, black ribbons of coal  
Touch my skin to keep me whole

Cristina had insulted and mocked her for her taste in heartbreak music, telling her listening to those songs will only make you feel worse. Or so she had heard. Meredith disagreed completely. Listening to a song that hits you right were you are hurting is comforting; it is like the song was made for you just for that moment in time.

A great song can hold you in its melodic arms while you cry

If only you'd come back to me  
If you laid at my side  
I wouldn't need no Mojo Pin to keep me satisfied

A great song can verbalize all the emotions coursing through you better then you ever could imagine 

Don't wanna weep for you, I don't wanna know  
I'm blind and tortured, the white horses flow  
the memories fire, the rhythms fall slow  
Black beauty I love you so

A song can be the best friend you ever had for there minutes.

The welts of your scorn, my love, give me more  
Send whips of opinion down my back, give me more  
Well it's you I've waited my life to see  
It's you I've searched so hard for...

For three minutes you are not crying because of your pain, you blame the song.

Turning the CD higher Meredith ran into the bathroom and started her second shower of the day, she didn't really need one but she was running out of things to do and crying over Derek was vastly becoming a unfavorable past time. Her small hand felt the water change from cold to warm to hot and back down to just right. Closing the pink curtain back over the shower she scanned the room for a towel, frowning slightly when she couldn't find one.

Leaving the shower running she ran down the hallway to the laundry cupboard, she was welcomed to another reminder why she loved Izzie, all the towels stacked perfectly and order of size and comfort. Pulling the nearest bath towel into her arms she began to make her way back to bathroom. She stopped at the door of Derek and his wife's make-shift bedroom, aka George's room. The door was closed over and she knew she shouldn't go in there, but hey it was her house and they weren't paying rent to technically they weren't tenants. She was sure her case would be thrown out of court but her curiosity got the better of her.

Using her index finger Meredith pushed the door open,

There's the moon asking to stay  
Long enough for the clouds to fly me away  
Well it's my time coming, i'm not afraid to die  
My fading voice sings of love,  
But she cries to the clicking of time  
Of time

The room was almost how George had left it; the wife obviously wasn't a home-maker. She kicked herself mentally when she peered into the litter bin at the side of the bed, this is the kind of person you make me Derek Shepard she thought, im looking for empty condom wrappers in someone else's bin, hell im looking for empty wrappers full stop. I curse you Derek. Another mental kick was given when she smiled not finding one.

He had only slept in there two nights and already his scent lingered. It had taken her forever to de-Derek her bedroom when he chose his wife, changing the sheets and cases weren't enough, it was like he'd pee'd his pheromones all over her room, all over her. She didn't need to but she picked up his aftershave and squirted once into the air in front of her. The mixture of his aftershave, Jeff Buckley and the shower running sent her into a zone of relaxation.

Shaking herself out herself physically out her zone she continued to snoop around the room, the closet was filled with clothes Meredith could never afford with the exception of a couple of jumpers shirts and pants belonging to Derek. She resisted the urge to pull out her favourite blue jumper and smell it. She was starting to gross herself out with her sad she could be.

My time has come  
It reminds me of the pain  
I might leave  
Leave behind

"_Wait in the fire_..." Meredith sung along as the song played softly throughout the upstairs of her home

and I feel them drown my name  
so easy to know and forget with this kiss  
I'm not afraid to go but it goes so slow

Surely one woman couldn't need this many products, Meredith thought picking up another lip stick from the dresser in George's bedroom. "Wicked red" Meredith read aloud, smiling to herself.

"Fitting isn't it?" Derek smiled sitting on the corner of the bed. His eyes running up from the white loose, low sitting PJ bottoms, his mouth dried slightly, they really were low and hip hugging. He was sure she was that tiny one quick tug would send them pooling at her feet. Was she even wearing panties, from this angle he swore she wasn't. He swallowed hard.

"I was just uh –"Meredith stuttered turning to face him, preventing him from finishing his slow exploration of her body mentally. "I was looking for a, a towel" she said lifting the towel from the bed.

"You were snooping Dr Grey" He laughed cockily, His laugh increasing with the flushing of her cheeks. "I give you full snooping privileges on one condition"

"What's that?" Meredith asked quickly "I mean what? I was . . . so . . . not . . . snooping" Her smile now matching his, only hers was out of sheer embarrassment.

Just hear this and then i'll go  
You gave me more to live for  
More than you'll ever know

This is our last embrace  
Must I dream and always see your face  
Why can't we overcome this wall

"The condition" He spoke over her, ignoring her rambles. "If you snoop in my room, I can snoop in yours" He smiled cheekily, his eyes now carefully taking in the swell of her chest against thin fabric of her matching vest top. God she turned him on constantly. The things he could do to her in this big empty house right now.

Kiss me, please kiss me   
but kiss me out of desire, babe, and not consolation

"I wasn't snooping . . . and you just try looking in my drawers Dr Shepard" She hoped the blushing from the moment before hid the blush happening now because of his over heated staring, his deep brown orbs darkened with what she knows can only be lust.

"I am sure there isn't anything but sweet goodness in your" Lowering his eyes he finished the comment sexily "Drawers"

Stunned and if possible more embarrassed Meredith threw her towel at him; he fell back dramatically onto the bed as it hit him on the chest.

"Tiny ineffectual fists make for crap throwing aimers" He laughed playfully. His eyes now fixed on hers; he loved her smile as intensely as he loved everything about her. He'd never met anyone who lit up like her when they smiled.

"Oh but Derek I thought you loved my hands" She new she was playing a very dangerous game, but it had been so long since she'd laughed and joked this way. What harm could a bit of flirtation do? Derek would never cheat on his wife, so as long as one of them were going to say no, it was fine.

She had won, for all his joking he couldn't compete with that, his cheeks were warm and thinking of a comeback would have meant not thinking about how much he did love her hands.

You know it makes me so angry 'cause I know that in time  
I'll only make you cry, this is our last goodbye

Laughing in victory Meredith walked to the door, a bolt of electricity searing through both of them as her leg caressed his as she passed him, even the slightest touch through clothing with him could make her body tingle.

He could just grab her now, he could tell by the look in her eye that she'd let him. He could kiss her, he had missed her mouth, her lips, how perfectly her tongue caressed his, and he could pull her into his lap. She would grind instantly into him, her back arching, pressing passionately to his.

"Me and my hands are taking a shower" How did she move from by him to the door, Derek thought, he must have been lost in his fantasies. "My towel?" She asked, holding her arm out for him to pass it to her. Derek really didn't want to remove the towel from were it now resided over his groin, "Dr Shepard" she spoke playfully yet firmly "hand it over"

Hoping she wouldn't notice he threw the towel in her direction, it landing perfectly over her arm. Derek smiled wistfully as her blue eyes traveled from his brown cords up to his eyes.

His embarrassing physical display of wanting her becoming all worth while when she swallowed hard, licking her pink soft lips, her tongue leaving saliva glistening in its memory. Girls always had easier when it came to hiding sexual excitement but Meredith was an open book to him.

**Well, the bells out in the church tower chime  
burning clues into this heart of mine   
thinking so hard on her soft** **eyes and the memories**

"I'm locking the door" she stated flirtatiously as she walked back towards the bathroom.


	5. Chapter 5

**Oh mama don't walk away**

Meredith stood behind the closed door of her bathroom, her head resting against the oak wood, her hair splayed across her cheeks. What was she thinking? How could she allow herself to flirt to frivolously with him? Three months, three freaking months wrecked with feelings of pain and abandonment caused by him. She was a surgeon, a hospital actually thought she was smart enough to be a surgeon, a university allowed her to enter and successfully pass medical school, how could someone with those credentials be stupid enough to flirt with him. She wondered if she left her brain in her locker along with her pride.

She couldn't do this anymore, how did think they could be friends, they can't be friends. He's Derek and she's Meredith. If God had wanted them to be friends he wouldn't have let Derek wear that sexy red shirt all those months ago, he wouldn't have let her leave the boring hospital get to know your colleagues gathering to get wasted in Joes before her first day in work. Oh no, God didn't want them to be friends, God wanted her to fall head over heels for the married brain surgeon and live miserably ever after alone.

Oh who was she kidding, she didn't even really believe in God.

This was her fault, no scratch that, this is his fault. She wasn't the married one that night in the bar. That red shirt really was sexy on him, his hair always looked darker richer when he wore that shirt. The red shirt wasn't as perfect on him as the blue one she bought him that day in town many months ago. The just seems to bring out the intensity of colour in his eyes. Physically and dramatically shaking the thought of him out of her mind, Meredith moved away from the door and began removing her Pj's, her body quivered to her surprise as the soft fabric of her vest top brushed against the hardness of her chest. 5 minutes away from him and her breath was still heavy and her body still effected.

She saw him almost every day, she thought of him almost every second.

She missed him constantly

**I'm a god dam sore loser  
I ain't too proud to stay  
But I'm still thinking 'bout you  
And I'm so lonesome without you  
And I can't get you out of my mind**

Meredith took a sharp intake of breath as she stepped delicately into the shower, the heat of the water near scolding her naked pale skin. She loved nothing more then a hot shower, the kind of hot that leaves your skin a shade of red as you leave it. But at the moment she wondered whether a slightly colder one would be more appropriate. It had been a long time, too long. Since she saw Derek physically effected by her, whether he was right or wrong in doing so he had never denied that his feelings remained for her. Some days she wished he wouldn't say such things, but the thought of him never telling her he cares again always left an unsettling ache in the pit of her stomach. An ache very unlike the one she was experiencing right now. The throbbing at the very pit of her stomach as she stood beneath the cleansing water of her shower now, left her skin tingling and her lips dry, her mind raced with fantasies of him walking through the door, his body as bare as hers, his desire as prominent as it was beneath his cords as she left him moments ago. She wondered what he was doing right this moment, was he fighting the urge to fulfil her fantasy and ravage her within the confines of this very shower? Was he taking a more of a Derek approach to his excitement and keeping it mainly to himself? Was he 2 doors away from her relieving the tension she knew she had stirred in him. Was his eyes closed thinking about her? The hard heat of himself in his hand wishing it was her touch? Was he imagining her in the same way she was him? Was he going as crazy as her?

**Ain't it clear when I'm near you  
I'm just dying to hear you  
calling my name one more time**

Pacing the length of George's small room back and forth Derek ran his fingers coarsely through his hair, his breath laboured and deep. She was so hot, and she was asking for him to touch. She wouldn't have brought up the memories of what her hands could do to him if she didn't want him to react. She couldn't have known those memories were never far from his mind. She can't be upset with how his body reacted to her persuasive comments. What if she was upset? What should he do? Should he go and explain that just because his body craves hers on a constant basis it didn't mean they couldn't be friends. He really needed her to be his friend. He needed her to talk to him, to smile in his presence. To make each day worth going through

He knew Meredith Grey; he knew she was going to come out that bathroom at some point and tell him they can't be friends. He knew they had been playing with fire talking so provocatively. He had to make this right, he had to do something say something. He had to talk to her right now

He couldn't follow her. She didn't want him to follow her she made that clear with her parting words. "I am locking the door" what did she mean exactly by that, she did she not trust him to stay away? No he had to do something,

Walking nervously from the bedroom Derek made his way towards the bathroom, the steam heat of her shower travelling under the doorway and along to hallway surrounding him, the scent of her girl products mixing with the steam, enthralling him. Rubbing his already sweaty palms he stood behind the door. He could almost hear the water bouncing of her soft cream flesh. He imagined her face raised towards the faucet, her eyes closed and lips pursed as the water danced through her hair and down her cheeks, droplets falling from her chin on her perk pale breast.

Leaning subconsciously closer and closer towards the door, Derek's throat tightened as well as other parts of his anatomy as he fantasised about the girl 20 ft away, the woman he adored. All thoughts of telling her he was sorry escaping his mind, making room for darker, hotter more sensual thoughts.

Closing his eyes, his mind raced with memories of him and Meredith in that shower. Opening his eyes, his jaw dropped laxly as he heard Meredith whimper. A sound he had burnt into his memory when she was his. Hi heart pounded against his ribcage rapidly as a new wave of images ran through his mind of Meredith easing her tension beneath the water. In all his time with her he had never witnessed her loving herself this way. He knew she did, she'd told him during a night of seriously naughty pillow talk, filled with fantasies and desires. He was still disappointed they never acted out any of their fantasies before they broke up. His thoughts of disappointment disappearing when she moaned deeply, he knew by that sound she was close, her eyes probably clenched shut, and her teeth gracing the corner of her bottom lip over and over to the rhythm she was setting herself.

"Oh baby" he whispered laboured, fighting every fibre of his being to remain quiet behind the door and not beg her to let him finish what he was sure he started.

**Yes I will stand here  
and burn in my skin**

His legs too growing weak for his hardened yet shaking body, Derek rested his hand and weight on the handle of the door.

Falling forward quickly, he jumped back eyes wide as the door swung open, "I thought she locked it" he thought immediately, before his mind was distracted by the silhouette of her slender body behind the glass of the shower. Unable to move an inch he stared incessantly at the shower door. His body willing him to walk over and open it, kiss her senseless and drive her body as crazy as she was driving his. His mind froze him to the spot. He shouldn't be here. He shouldn't be doing this. No he thought, he should be here, here is exactly where he should be but he shouldn't be doing this. He had a wife and he knew if he took one more step into adultery with Meredith right now not only would he hurt his wife but he would tarnish Meredith's image of him as a good man, a great man. A noble man

**Ain't it clear when I'm near you  
I'm just dying to hear you  
calling my name one more time**

No he shouldn't be here, she would never forgive him. He would never forgive him if he abused her feelings for him purely to satisfy his own. Oh but he wouldn't be just satisfying his own, he would satisfy her completely, he would caress her until he body couldn't take anymore. Man he was a fool, a walking fool. What the hell was he doing in her bathroom?

He was married. He had a wife.

Taking slow steps backward, his eyes never leaving her silhouette he took an arduous sigh as she began to gasp breathlessly. Swallowing hard he ran from the room, remembering barely to close the door quietly behind him. Running weakly back into his room he locked the door behind him and unbuttoned his cords.

Why didn't she lock the door, was she expecting him to follow her. Was what he witnessed a show for him? was she just preparing herself for him?

What was he doing? How could he do this to her? She was Meredith, Meredith of strong values and great intentions. She wasn't the mistress she jokily called herself many times. She was better then this. Maybe she was right after all, maybe he did bring out something in her he shouldn't have. He hated believing he was potentially killing a part of her soul because she loved him.

After he took care of himself he was going to fix this

**I'm just dying to hear you**

Drying her body Meredith gave herself a prep talk in the steamed mirror. She needed all the confidence she could muster to go and face Derek again. Derek her friend 

Opening the bathroom door she leant her head out, the damp tendrils of her hair falling heavily and dripping onto the floor as she scanned the hallway to ensure she was alone. Seeing the coast was clear she held the towel tightly to her body and tip toed into her bedroom.

"Jesus Derek" She gasped finding him sitting on her bed.

"Sorry" he mumbled. He thanked his eyes for doing as he willed them to and remaining on her face, her bright eyes. His eyes were not as bright.

"I'm in a towel Derek, can you leave?" she implored, her hands gripping her towel tighter. After the bevy of thoughts she had just had of him in the shower, the last thing she needed was to be damn near naked around him

"We need to talk Meredith" his tone was set and emotionless, she couldn't read him. His eyes now bore into the pattern of the rug on her bedroom floor.

"Derek I'm naked"

"Trust I'm aware" he muttered as she lifted the towel higher, the rough edges of it scraping along her collar bone

"Can we do this later" she opened her door wider for him to leave.

"I'm married Meredith" he spoke like he wasn't even listening to her plea's

"Trust me I'm aware" she returned in the same as him had not moments ago. "You're a married man in your ex-mistresses bedroom, oh and im naked . . . Derek I am not playing with you. I am not playing with you at all . . . leave" She pointed towards the door.

"I want to be a good husband Meredith . . . I don't want eleven years of my life to be wasted, I want to lie on my death bed knowing I did right by my wife and I valued the vows I swore to, I want to be the man you saw in me. I hope you understand that."

"Derek I don't understand what you are trying to say . . . an this is all nice and I am so happy to hear all this but can you just leave now please . . . please?"

"Dammit Meredith" His hands raked through his hair as his eyes bore intensely into hers; his voice had a hint of frustration, a frustration that angered Meredith.

"Don't damn me Derek. Not in my house, NOT in my bedroom. What is it you want from me? Do you want me to tell you I understand that you are married? Because trust me I do. Incase you have forgotten it was ME you left for your marriage. It was me you used to make yourself feel better when SHE hurt you. Yes Derek I know you are married" Standing up abruptly Derek stood before her, his breath coming out as fast as hers, his eyes as dark as hers.

"I want my marriage to work" He almost pleaded, leaving her completely dumbfounded as to where this was coming from. All they'd done was flirt a little.

"So make it work, be a man" She spat, Derek clenched the fist at his sides. He couldn't think straight with her standing before him almost naked and all fired up.

He didn't want to hurt her, he had hurt her enough in the past but this wasn't doing either of them any good. They were still stuck in the same stalemate they were in when Addison first showed up. He didn't want to push her away but what good was it doing her and him holding her close. He wasn't getting any closer to his wife; his heart was filled up with affection for Meredith. He couldn't do this with her so much in his life. He had to be a man once and for all. Emotionally bricking up his heart he took one more breath.

"I don't love you" Meredith eyes stung, as the words left his mouth coldly. Her body reacting before her mind could even process what he had said and where it had came from.

Meredith swallowed sharply and clenched her teeth, what was he trying to do to her. Her eyes tried to find some reasoning in his but all she could find was dark emptiness. He felt cold. "I never said you did" she barely managed to mutter, she wanted to sound harsh and as cold as him but right now all premeditated actions were escaping her. She was prisoner to her true emotions.

"I want my marriage. I want my wife. I don't want to keep leading you on" He tried to end with her name but his heart refused to allow him to dear speak it while he was being so cruel. His body shook for the second time in the last hour only for completely different reasons. His stomach churned as she started to cry

**Oh so don't pay no mind  
to my watering eyes  
Must be something in the air  
that I'm breathing**

"Get out" was all Meredith could verbalize as she willed her eyes to dry

"I am sorry . . ." he spoke before he thought. He was so sorry, sorrier then she would ever know but he knew she didn't need to hear it right now

"Are you saying sorry because you don't love me? Or because you are a selfish bastard? What are you sorry for huh Derek? " He swallowed back his own tears hearing his name roll so bitterly, so painfully of her tongue. "I said be a man not a coward" Their eyes had been locked on each others for the last 10 minutes but only now did they fully understand each other. She knew he was doing damage control over a few minutes of idle flirting. But he didn't have to say what he was saying, she knew he didn't love her but she wasn't prepared for how much pain hearing him say it would cause. Now Derek knew she knew he was trying to fix things, but he also knew she believed the words he was saying.

He didn't mean to be angry with her but if she wasn't her and she wasn't perfect he wouldn't be in the mess he was in.

**Yes an I try to ignore  
All this blood on the floor  
It's just this heart on my sleeve that's a bleeding**

"You should have locked the door Meredith" He snapped painfully as he left her room and quickly her house.

Meredith sunk to the floor of her bedroom as she heard him run down the stairs, picking up his keys before slamming the front door. Meredith sobbed unmercifully the towel now pooling around her whimpering body as she buried her face in her hands. The memory of his dark empty eyes burned into her mind,

**You leave me here bereaving from the words so hard and plain  
Saying the love that we had  
was just selfish and sad**

"I don't love you"

"I don't love you"

"I don't love you"

"I don't love you"

"I don't love you"

"I don't love you"

"I don't love you" his words so cold running over an over.

Her mother had always warned her that love would bring her nothing but pain.

Note to self: listen more to my mother

Derek drove his car 5 minutes from the house, just far enough away that he couldn't hear her cry. Or was it so she couldn't hear him? Turning the ignition off he sunk his head into the wheel, his fist still clenched. What had he done? What kind of man was he?

He'd successfully broke both their hearts all over again

An all for what? A certificate and a promise he made when he was a completely different person. When he was a young fool with a desperate need to be a family man, he didn't know the meaning of the vows he took until he loved Meredith, why wasn't he treating the vows with as much meaning as he did eleven years ago, why wasn't he holding her, telling her he was sorry and he loved her, she was the only thing he loved?

**An I will stand here  
and burn in my skin  
Yes I will stand here  
and burn in my skin**

What had he done?

_Thanks again for all the feedback it really does make it easier to sit and write another chapter knowing people actually wanna read it :)_


	6. Chapter 6

**I can't stand the rain 'gainst my window  
bringing back sweet memories**

The rain beat against the windowpane, the water filled clouds covering the night sky. It was fascinating watching the clouds try so hard to get by, to pass by everything carrying the burden of water within them. Meredith imagined their thoughts "Just one more mile . . . Just a little further" Where were they going with all that water anyways? Why would they inflict so much hardship upon themselves? Packs upon packs of miserable dark heavy clouds just getting to get by and what for? Because they know sooner or later their little cloud selves were going cave and have to let go of what they had held onto so dearly, what they had possessively and patiently absorbed into their very being. One moment they were going to be full, complete, and then poof the next they were going to have to hover idly by and watch it all fall away.

**  
I can't stand the rain 'gainst my window  
'Cause he's not here with me  
Hey window pain do you remember  
How sweet it used to be  
When we were together  
Everything was so grand, yes it was  
Now that we've parted  
there's one sound that I just can't stand...**

"Meredith . . . Hi" Addison spoke while removing her long coat, Meredith glanced from the window to merely smile her own hello, she hadn't heard Addison come in. She suspected by Addison's company here in her living room that Derek hadn't been at least man enough to arrange other sleeping arrangements for the evening. "Its freezing out there" Addison interjected Meredith's thoughts, Meredith couldn't help but smile a little at the escalating tension between them, as they both realized they were alone together. Neither of them had the opportunity to fake a page and a patient and bail.

"Yeah it has rained none stop all evening" Meredith began to giggle to herself, turning back to the window.

"What's funny?" Addison asked obviously on the outside of another joke. It was sad she was even out side of a joke between just her and another person.

"Nothing" Meredith smiled "It's just . . . What do the dirty ex-mistress and the wife talk about once the affair is over . . . The weather" By now Meredith was laughing sarcastically. Addison had to laugh with her; it was an incredibly odd situation they were living with.

"How long does it take for a cloud to look all bright and floaty, once the rain stops?" Addison didn't know if the question was for her or rhetorical.

"Er I dunno, thousands of years in school and I don't know. Why?" Addison questioned as Meredith remained staring out the window.

"No reason . . . I just have a thing for clouds" Meredith responded with a sad smile as she closed the curtain and walked out of the room.

"Clouds" Addison mimicked to herself, now standing yet again alone.

**And when her baby comes to call  
Hell find her waiting like a lonesome queen  
cos when she's by his side  
its such a change from old routine**

If it wasn't Meredith avoiding her presence it was her husband or Meredith friends as it seemed everyone at the hospital took Meredith's side still. What had she really done wrong? Yeah of course she felt bad for Meredith Grey but at the end of the day was she really going to walk away from the man she loved. The man she married because didn't want to hurt an intern, a young attractive woman who will find someone else. Derek was her man, her love. She wasn't a young woman anymore; she wasn't by any means old, but the chances of her finding another man to love as deeply as she does Derek were far slimmer then those of Meredith Grey.

Meredith was just his way of dealing with her infidelity; he had to still love her.

Even if he hadn't said it in over a year

He would thank her in years to come, on their 20th wedding anniversary; he will thank her for not allowing him to give up on her and them. He will thank her for helping him see Meredith Grey was just a fling, she was just a quick fix remedy to his pain. Meredith and Derek were nothing but a fling.

So why was she now standing in Meredith's living room lost in her thoughts and feeling like nothing more then the other woman? She wasn't the other woman Meredith was. She was his lover, his wife.

His love

Why did she feel like she was stealing him from someone else? How can she steal something that is hers, his heart is hers.

**But the other woman will always cry herself to sleep  
the other woman will never have his love to keep  
and as the years go by the other woman  
Will spend her life alone**

Why couldn't Addison shake the feeling she was the other womanShe had him, she had him in her bed every night she had his hand if she needed to hold it, why did she feel so alone.

Gathering her bag and papers Addison made her way to the bedroom; she would rather wait upstairs alone, then feel alone in Meredith's company.

"He told me he doesn't love me" Meredith sulked to Cristina at the bar later in Joes. "What do I do?"

"What do you mean what do you do? . . . What you have done if he said he did love you?" Cristina implored seriously

"Nothin of course he is married" Meredith answered instinctively.

"So that is what you do. You do nothing . . . Meredith he isn't McDreamy, he never was. Even in the height of his Dreaminess he had a wife" Cristina placed another shot in front of Meredith.

"I know, I know Cristina . . . He said he didn't love me" Meredith took the shot like it was water. No flinching, no shivers.

"Are you really surprised?" Cristina retorted dryly

"Cristina" Meredith pleaded.

"No I am sorry Meredith but come on. What do you expect the man to say? Yes he is complete McBastard we have already established that, but he would be more of a bastard if he told you he loved you"

"Oh did you really think he did love you?" Cristina asked now realizing why Meredith was so upset.

"No of course I never, because he is Derek and I am Meredith and he has a wife and a life without me and he is a brain surgeon"

"Oh Mer" Cristina tried to silence her gently, she hated seeing Meredith so heartbroken, her most favorite surgery in the world would be to physically cut Derek open and break his heart literally,

"Of course I didn't think he loved me" Meredith tried to convince; she didn't like the look Cristina was giving her. "I am not a broken puppy Cristina. I am fine. Stop looking at me like that"

"I hate puppies" Cristina told muttered as she took another shot, wincing as the sour liquid burned down her throat, drinking was most definitely one thing Meredith beat her fair and square with.

"Another round?" Meredith asked not waiting for an answer as she demanded four more shots and some peanuts from Joe. Cristina lightly punched her chest with her fist, silently willing her body to keep up with her. She knew Meredith would always win but she would lose sleep if never tried her best

Ten tequila's and 4 bottles of bud later Meredith was feeling better, numb, Drunk. Her tongue hadn't felt heavier but her mind was pleasantly not bothered with the McShepard's

"Who ever said sex with our bosses was a good idea should be maimed . . . no they should be forced to watch sunset beach for ten hours and then maimed" Cristina laughed as Meredith rambled

"Hey I happen to like sex with my boss. The man got me pregnant, filled me with estrogen and made me Cristina Yang cry. . But the sex is good"

"The sex is good" Meredith laughed repeated Cristina's words, the hint of jealous sadness not lost on Cristina, but she chose not to bring it up otherwise all the tequila but be worthless

"Oh yeah the sex is good" she responded confidently

"He told me he didn't love me and his wife showed up from work, he hadn't even made an excuse to leave yet" Cristina just looked at her; the tequila and the damage to her liver really were for nothing. "Should I kick him out? I should shouldn't I? . . . Yeah when I get home im kicking his marriage ass out my house"

"What are you going to say to get him to leave . . . You don't love me so you have to go? . . . Meredith think about this, you already screwed up epically asking him to stay; do you want him to think the offer was only valid if he loved you?"

"Its not about not loving me, I knew he never did. . . It's just that he doesn't care that he hurts me, he doesn't care that his words affect me. I am just a pawn in the Derek Shepard show. It's like he doesn't even see me. He watches me constantly but he doesn't see me. Because if he saw me, if he really saw-- . . . He wouldn't tell me he doesn't love me. . . . he would be polite and Derek enough to assume that I already know" Meredith pushed the empty bud bottle aside and resting her elbows on the table, her hand cradling her tired heavy head.

"Why? . . . Why did he tell he didn't love you? Why were you and he talking about you and him and all the mushy feelings in the first place?" Meredith rolled her eyes; she had hoped Cristina was too drunk to think of such details.

"That is completely relevant, what is relevant is that he is a jerk" Meredith rambled.

"I am too drunk for you to be Meredith right now . . . tell me" Cristina demanded, her eyes heavy already with sleep deprivation and now drunkenness.

"I gave him an erection" Cristina spat the bud she had just gulped, she was expecting her to say something she shouldn't but even this floored her.

"Oh you are going to have to explain yourself Meredith Grey"

"It is nothing really . . . we were just in his bedroom"

"His bedroom" Cristina repeated

"Shut up . . . let me explain" Meredith snapped playfully

"He caught me snooping through the she Shepard's things in his room and we got to talking and innocently flirty"

"Innocently?"

"Cristina!?!?"

"I'm sorry but innocent and you and McMarried don't go together"

"Ok fine . . . Not innocent . . . But we were only flirting suggestively and he got all McHappy and I left before I did something I would regret and then he goes and get into his brain surgeon brain that it would help matters to tell me how he feels about me, or doesn't feel as the case might be"

"You gave him an erection with just suggestive flirting?"

"Cristina" Meredith laughed

"Nice . . . Very nice" The look of admiration and approval pasted on Cristina's face almost made the whole thing worth while. Meredith was actually having fun at his expense. Ha damn you Derek, you are not the only one moving on.

"So not the point . . . but thank you"

"You are welcome" Cristina nodded,

"I made my bed, I have to sleep in it don't I?" Meredith asked Cristina; lately she found all she was doing was turning to Cristina for all the answers to her life's many problems

"It's your house Meredith; you can do as you please . . . I would kick his ass out faster then you can say McBastard but I am not you. I am not nice"

"I am not nice" Meredith retorted,

"Oh sweetie of course you're not nice" Cristina patronized

"I can't kick him out . . . not because of my feelings being stomped on . . . If I find a less pride destroying reason though, he is so out, him and the she Shepard."

"There you go" Cristina applauded Meredith for finally deciding what to do

"You know, she keeps trying to talk to me, like I am her friend in law or something"

"Friends close--"

"Enemies closer" Meredith finished. "I am not her enemy, he doesn't love me, and he wants her. She . . . She is my enemy, with her fancy shoes and perfect hair"

"Shut up" Cristina asked sarcastically

"He doesn't love me" Meredith began to spiral back into her ranting

"Boo Hoo the married man doesn't love you. I won't love you if you keep talking"

"You love me?" Meredith asked like she were 5 years old, all wide eyed and innocent

"Drink your drink Meredith, you're hurting my head" Cristina shoved a bottle into her hand while swigging down almost a full bottle in one go.

"I want sex" Meredith confessed bluntly, her eyes scanning for any man candy in the bar at eleven pm

"I am flattered but I don't do interns, attending's only" Cristina expected Meredith to at least smirk at her comeback but she found Meredith too busy giving eyes to another random guy standing at the bar. "Meredith what are you doing?" Cristina moved into her eye line, and Meredith leant to keep her eye on the guy

"He doesn't love me, he wants his wife. He won't care who I bring home"

"Let it go Meredith. Let it go"

"That's what I am doing" Meredith told her while sliding off the tall stool and making her way towards the guy smiling at her.

"Derek where are you" Addison questioned worryingly down the phone.

"Did you know the ferry boats run this late?" Derek asked obviously a little drunk.

"What are you doing on the ferry?"

"Ferry boat Addy it's a boat" Addison could hear the soft waves through the phone line. She could also hear him dithering

"Baby you're cold. Get off the Ferryboat and come and get some sleep" he hated how concerned she sounded, this was the woman he had driven into his best friends arms and here she was alone in bed waiting for him to come home, worrying about him and all he was doing was falling apart because he hurt Meredith again.

"I'll be there soon" he offered

"Why are you out so late? You have a bad day, a bad case?"

"I am having a bad year Addison" He snapped coldly

"It will get better baby, we just have to talk about what happened and how we can fix it. Come back and talk to me" Addison hoped he was finally ready to talk about their marriage

"I don't want to talk about us Addison, can you not understand that. I am with you I am with you dammit"

"Well thank you so much Derek, I am deeply grateful" Addison smarted off sarcastically

"I need more time Addison, you slept with my best friend, can you give me a little more time"

"Time for what Derek? What is time solving?" her voice raised enough for Izzie and Alex to hear in the next room.

"Addison"

"Fine Derek . . . fine. Take your time. Take all the time you need. I give up" Derek closed his phone and stared back at the dark water

"_Its like I was drowning and you saved me . . . that's all I know" _Derek recalled the last time he truly told Meredith the truth.

He was still drowning, but she couldn't save him now. No one could.

"Trouble in paradise" Izzie remarked to Alex, referring to the one sided argument they had just witnessed.

Alex pulled his head out from under the sheets, looking at Izzie and then over towards the direction of Georges room.

"Do you wanna talk girl talk about the Shepard's or do you wanna lose the bra and have some fun?" Alex joked while pulling the straps of her pink polka dotted bra down her arms.

"I prefer him with Addison, I'll take a five second fight over the hours of moaning and groaning coming from Meredith's room when she was with him" Alex growled ignoring her, wrapping his hand round and popping the clasp on her bra, allowing it to fall between them. "It's my turn to keep Meredith up all night" Izzie laughed unbuckling Alex's jeans.

Meredith fell into her house with yet another stranger in tow. She could hear definite sex noises from upstairs, her stomach churned in an indescribable way, flashes of Derek and Addison naked invading her mind.

"Lets go in here" Meredith directed the guy into her living room hoping the sounds would be less noticeable from there. There was no way she was going to be able to get turned on at all if she could hear the Shepard's going at it.

"I thought we were going to—"The guy asked disappointedly

"Oh we are" Meredith reassured, pushing him back into her couch and straddling him, their lips and bodies colliding drunkenly, messily.

Not but a few moments later, Meredith was stark naked above a guy whose name she couldn't recall, her hands on his shoulders as his gripped her hips trying to set the rhythm Meredith was adamant she was controlling.

"UNBELIEVABLE" Derek growled standing in the door way dripping wet from the hours he'd spent on the ferryboat feeling awful

The guy pulled Meredith off him and began to rapidly put his clothes back on, not stopping to contemplate whether the man with thunder in his eyes at the door wasn't her man.

"Sorry dude" The guy told Derek as he cowardly snuck past him and out the room, Derek's eyes never left Meredith who was now sitting in her panties and purple sweater. She would have put her pants back on but they were near Derek and she didn't want to chance going near him right now. She could almost hear his blood boiling.

"I thought you were upstairs" Meredith finally spoke after the guy shut the front door, his tail between his legs.

"I wasn't . . . obviously"

"It's my house Derek, I can do what—"

"Don't bother Meredith, spare me" He snapped his tone as cold as earlier on that day. He moved behind the couch and into the kitchen

"You don't get to make me feel bad about what I do Derek" Meredith carried on speaking, following him into the kitchen so his wife wouldn't hear them

"Who you do" He retorted nastily

"Or who I do . . . those are my decisions, it's my life . . . you are not my boyfriend"

"Doesn't it make you sick sleeping with so many different men? . . . One night stands" his words sliced what was left of her shattered heart.

"You were a one night stand remember?"

"And look how well we turned out" He really didn't mean to say that but it rolled out of his mouth before he could process it. Meredith slapped his face shocking both of them to the core. Look at what they did to each other

"You can tell me you don't love me, you can sleep in my house with your wife . . . But you don't get to talk about what we had . . . You have NO right"

"I uh – "

"You what Derek? You're sorry? I am sorry but I don't wanna hear it. I am done hearing you. You tell me you don't love me. Fine you don't love me. I can't say anything about that. But I swear to god if you dear try and diminish what we had, I will never forgive you"

"You are always diminishing us Meredith"

"The rule doesn't apply to me; I didn't leave you for anyone else. I have slating privileges I am the injured party"

"I am not injured?" Derek asked, the darkness in his eyes slowly being replaced with sorrow

"Did you lose someone you loved?" He wanted to say yes, he wanted to tell her the truth, but telling her the truth would make all the pain he caused earlier worthless, he didn't ever want to hurt her without reason. He didn't want to hurt her at all but life wasn't perfect. "No you are not injured Derek. You're jealous because you can't have you cake and eat it too, but you are not injured, you're not damaged . . . any damage you have I didn't inflict" Derek gazed at her pained eyes and down to her soft lips, reddened from another mans kisses, her dirty blonde hair falling carelessly across her small face, and dancing almost dexterously on her shoulders and collar bone.

She was beautiful, tortured and beautiful

"I don't know what to do Meredith" A single tear fell from his eye, the rest merely pooled over his sorrowful orbs

**I never thought that  
I could feel this way  
you came around and  
brought about a change in me**

"I can't fix your marriage Derek . . . I am not your friend" The honesty of the moment was killing both of them inside.

"I can't fix my marriage" He answered resolved, resting his body against the counter near her, his hand almost touching hers as they leant

"Yes you can . . . You want your wife. That is something . . . That is enough to try"

Her hand moved to cover his slightly, her pinky laying softly over his. She felt his respond to her touch but he never moved nor turned to glace at her at all.

"I don't want her" He said calmly, like it wasn't a life changing remark.

"You told me earlier you did" Meredith enquired, afraid of the conversation they were heading towards but unable to walk away.

"I lied . . . I lied about everything" Meredith stared up at him, jaw lax in sorrow and deep thought, his eyes looking everywhere but at her.

"Derek" she didn't need to say anything else, his name was enough.

"I lied" He repeated, his eyes apologizing as he spun so she was in front of him, his arms learning, surrounding her as he leant towards her. Meredith fought a losing battle with her tears, her eyes scanning his face, imploring him to look at her, but he continued to look down at her collar bone, desperately wanting her to hold him.

"Derek" Meredith pleaded, licking her lips instinctively as he moved his gaze slowly up her neck to jaw and finally settling on her quivering mouth.

**I've spent half a lifetime  
Waiting for someone  
You say I know it was you**  
**They don't recommend it  
I don't understand it  
I've been reprimanded  
'Cause I'm in love with you**

Derek's body tensed, reacting instinctively to her. The overwhelming desire to simply close the ever decreasing gap between them was almost too much to bear. "I lied" He repeated again, his breath mingling with hers, bourbon and tequila setting the tone of the moment between them. He watched her eyes bore into his mouth as he raked his tongue slowly along his bottom lip, and finally sucking the lip into his mouth for a moment. His stomach filled with butterflies as he felt her react to him, her body weakening before him. For him

Lowering his head towards hers, he stopped just before her parted eager lips; they we so close the coarse bristles of his growing five o'clock shadow tickled her cheek. Meredith wrapped her fingers beneath the soft hairs at the base of his neck, her touch sending shivers down his spine. Lifting her body onto her toes slowly Meredith bridged the space between them, their encounter not so much kissing as simply touching, needing the warmth of each other. Derek arms moved from her sides and spiraled around her back pressing her softly into the counter with his hard warm welcoming body.

Tilting his head Derek began to finally kiss her, his lips engulfing her top lip in-between his, his tongue lightly tickling the length of her lip inside his mouth, his throat already groaning from the connection. He alternated between her lips, giving them both as much delicate attention as possible. Meredith stood stunned, unable kiss him back yet, the sensations his fragile touches were sending through her body freezing her to the spot.

Finally Derek cupped her chin with his hand, the warmness from his sweating palm burning into her skin as he maneuvered her face to gain better access to her mouth, his tongue falling slowly into her mouth, seductively caressing her, dancing and old and perfect dance. Derek's hand moved from her jaw around and into her hair, bunching the soft tendrils in his fingers. He wanted her, he wanted this more then he could comprehend.

With a small whimper Meredith lifted higher into her embrace and returned his kiss with as much tender passion as him. Derek wrapped his arm around her tiny waist pulling her flush against him, the hardness of his attraction pressing into her butterfly filled stomach. God she wanted him more then anything.

Then without any warning Derek released her quickly and stepped back, the rapidness of his heartbeat and breathing preventing him from speaking at first. Meredith merely stood dumbfounded against the counter, needing the counter for the support he had taken from her.

"Meredith" he exhaled deeply, his eyes searching hers for a way to say the right thing. "God Meredith" he ran his fingers through his now messy curls,

"What was that Derek?"

"I oh god . . . I don't know" he couldn't get his mind or eyes away from her hot mouth. He wanted desperately to take her to her bedroom and love her all night long

"You can't do this to me Derek. You can't keep doing this"

"I know Meredith"

"Did you lie about everything this morning . . . No wait don't tell me I don't want to know. Just forget the catastrophic mistake you just made and go away . . . Go" Meredith turned her back to him and tried to regain control of her breathing. How could something that felt that incredible be impossible to have?

**If I'm guilty of love  
let me do my time**

"I lied about everything" Derek spoke as he turned to walk away.

"Derek!!" Meredith called out spinning round, tears flowing down her cheeks.

Their eyes collided in an unspoken conversation of sorrow and love. Neither moved to walk away or come any closer to one and other.

"I—"Meredith began, her voice broken and tortured

"I know you do" He interjected, afraid if he heard the words right now he'd have to kiss her again.

"I should go" Meredith nodded sadly in agreeance as he turned and made his way down the hall and upstairs.

Derek stripped himself of his still damp clothes and climbed into bed next to wife. His stomach wrecked with emotion when he realized he didn't feel guilty for kissing Meredith. He just felt heartbroken because he couldn't do it again.

"I am sorry for yelling before" Addison told him sleepily as she wrapped her arms around his waist, falling asleep beside him.

"Me too" He offered emotionless, placing his hands under his head and staring at the dark shadows on the ceiling.

He had to end his marriage, he couldn't try anymore


	7. Chapter 7

"Can we have lunch this afternoon, just you me and that tiny Delicatessen near the dock?"

"Derek?"

"Derek?"

"Hmm?" Derek responded, his head never leaving the paper in his hands.

"Does ignoring me really help with the paying me back?" Addison muttered into his ear at the kitchen table, hoping to prevent her pleas for her husband's attention falling upon unwanted ears, namely Izzie and Alex who sat not 5 ft away from them eating breakfast.

"Can we at least have breakfast before your neurosis kicks in" Derek smiled complacently her way, the noise of his newspaper bending and creasing creating a soundtrack for the morning's debate.

Breathing deeply Addison counted to five in her mind. A trick she had been told by their weekly therapist that should bide her enough time to regain composure and respond to her husband in the nicest possible manor. She silently wished they had gone back to New York and saw her best friend's therapist; she was assured he would prescribe morning and evening sex-capades as means of marital help. Counting to five wasn't nearly as thrilling.

"Could we have lunch together this afternoon?" She asked for what felt like the twentieth time as he now finally looked at her when she spoke.

"I have a surgery from eleven till three I can't make it" He answered, his eyes darting from her over to the small door way as Meredith wandered in obviously distracted by the cell phone at her ear.

**Go ahead baby,**

**run away again.**

**Growing tired of chasing you.**

**I know you only have time,**

**to love me.**

A small part of Addison wanted to rewind ten minutes and simply not ask him to spend time with her. Back in New York she wouldn't have considered asking him to meet her; she had learnt that lesson the hard way. Eleven years of marriage yet for the last seven at least she had simply been nothing more than his roommate.

The side of her that was glutton for punishment had built up thick un-quivering walls over those seven years. For the first three years she had tried and tried to regain his attention, from waiting in bed in uncomfortable lingerie to the smallest gesture of simply asking him to eat with her at the hospital cafeteria, no matter what she did his response hurt her in the same way, deep and unforgiving. He wasn't a bad man, his reasons for cancelling lunches and sleeping instead of making love were all very noble and always concerning his work and patients, he wasn't even a bad husband, he provided and he protected and in his own way he probably still loved her. But for those seven years she was lonely, it took her at least four of them to stop sadistically hurting herself by opening up to his rejections. It took her those four years to realize simply not asking him to spend time with her and going to sleep instead of waiting for him in bed meant she didn't get hurt. She was lonely but never hurt. She had spent too long hurt.

**Who's bold enough to believe?**

**Even love or war..**

**Both just leave you busted,**

**and broken down.**

**Wanting more..**

But now, now after everything she had been through to shield her heart she had inflicted one act of pain on him that erased everything he had ever subconsciously done to her. One foolish mistake had made the last seven years of her life meaningless. A mistake she had wrestled with herself for month trying to prevent. She never wanted to jeopardise her marriage. She prayed at night that Derek would somehow sense that her affections were straying. Or he would notice the long looks his best friend was throwing in her direction. She prayed when he'd come home late after long surgeries he would ask why Mark was on his futon eating his food and watching his TV.

He never noticed

Or he simply never cared

"Ok" Was all she could say, there was no way she could compete with a surgery, but would it kill him to sound slightly regretful that he can't spend time with her?

One mistake and now she was back at square one, she was obligated to subject herself to rejection and heartbreak over and over.

**I can hear my heart pounding,**

**oh but i can't decide.**

**Stuck between the depths of my fears,**

**and peaks of my pride.**

Would it take another seven years for Derek to finally understand?

"Yes I will be there at four ... No I can't make it earlier. You are welcome to call my chief of surgery and ask him if I can leave the hospital early because my mother's nursing home staff think my time would be better spent holding her hand, whilst she asks me over and over just who I am" Meredith took a much needed breath as her friends, her ex and his wife stared up at her.

"Yes four ... Thank You" Meredith closed her flip phone and took a piece of toast from the centre of the full table

"What?" she quipped taking a bite out of the corner of her toast, as their eyes remained on her, All but Derek's, which were now buried, back in his newspaper.

Abruptly they all returned to their breakfasts and conversations as Meredith walked over to the sink to wipe the crumbs from her fingers. She didn't have to turn around to know Derek was now staring at her. Her mind raced with images of their encounter the night before. She now stood almost exactly in the same spot as last night, the only difference was his hands and lips were not on her. His hands were gripping the newspaper tightly, aligning it perfect to prevent his wife from seeing just were his attention was. He didn't know if she did it on purpose or if everything she wore turned him on, but if those jeans fit her small firm thighs any better he would have to gasp aloud. She was at least 4ft away from him but he was sure he could smell her shampoo; either that or it was embedded in his memory so vividly it could drive him crazy. His eyes stung from desire, or at least he wished it was desire, he hadn't slept a wink all night. He heard her coming upstairs to bed over an hour after he had left her and couldn't help himself from climbing quietly out of bed and tiptoeing into the hallway.

"_Meredith" He whispered as she reached her bedroom door, the heat from his bare chest penetrating her shirt and tickling the soft tiny hairs on her back. _

"_Go to bed ... Derek" her voice laboured as he cupped her small shoulders in his firm hands. His arms reclining tensely as he breathed her in, so Meredith's back pressed against his chest. His head drooped delicately into the cove of her neck, her pulse beating rapidly against his lips._

_**4.30 A.M, I'm awake again **_

_**Singing to the dark through open eyes **_

_**While dreaming I see only you and me **_

_**Stuck between desire and compromise**_

"_I can't sleep" he mumbled into her messy hair. His hands now running slowly up and down her shirt covered arms, snaking one arm round his right hand moved to her bony hip, his fingers splaying along the sharp yet soft area of her anatomy. He held them there for a moment, his fingers deliberately and tenderly kneading the skin, half of him expecting her to pull away from his caresses and run into her room. The other half of him knowing Meredith Grey well enough to know wild horses couldn't move her from his ministrations. Smiling into her neck his nibbled softly as her hips pushed back away from his fingers and into his groin, rhythmically rocking back and forth between his firm hard body and his mischievous fingers. _

_**You're leaving me scars scattered in my heart **_

_**A road map of all the places you have been **_

_**And I can't escape, can't wash this away **_

_**Love has burned your mark so deep within**_

"_You're not this guy Derek" Meredith gasped deeply as his tongue cooled the hot skin beneath her ear_

"_For you I am" Her heart raced with more than sexual desire as he answered in the best and worst possible way. Subconsciously she snaked her arm up and around his neck, her fingers bunching his thick dark hair in her hands, pressing his mouth firmer to her body. _

"_Derek" she pleaded, she didn't know if she meant for him to stop or to hurry up and take her to bed. Reaching forward she pressed her hand to the wall beside her door, as the rocking of their bodies became too rough for them to stand without assistance. _

_Manoeuvring his hand under the hem of her shirt his hand hungrily grabbed at her skin as she ground harder and hard into his body. Running his hand further up her body her desire for him very evident beneath his finger tips, teasing her he growled intensely as she gasped loudly. "God" she muttered breathlessly, her dry lips desperate for him to kiss her already. Using her other hand she gripped onto the fabric of his boxers and his skin, pressing him as close to her as physically possible, her own body dancing fluidly and passionately against his. _

_Moving his hand lower again he gripped her hip and spun her to face him, his firm body pressing her against the wall. _

"_I ... "he started. his breath as rapid as hers as she bore into his now dark blue eyes, "Meredith" her name was all that was running through his mind, that and how easy it would be to pick her small body up into his arms and carry her to bed. _

"_Derek" she urged him. The thought that his wife might wake up and walk out and see them was the last thing on her mind._

"_Meredith" he repeated, his finger tracing her soft skin from her temple to the corner of her quivering mouth. _

_Meredith could see the hesitance in his eyes, she knew some part of him was thinking about his wife and it tore her apart inside. She had already lost him once to her; she couldn't bear to go through it all again. _

"_Five seconds Derek ... If you don't kiss me or say something to make me stay ... I'm walking away ... you can't keep doing this" Derek stared down at her, his mind wrecked with reasons why he shouldn't kiss her again. _

"_One" she breathed impatiently _

_If he kissed her now, they would fall into her room and into her bed. _

"_Two"_

_If he kissed her now he would be willingly betraying his wife in the same painful way she had betrayed him_

"_Three" _

_If he kissed her now he would have to tell her he loves her. He couldn't keep those words and the meaning behind them to himself much longer_

"_Four"_

_If he kissed her now, he would make her hate herself for stealing another woman's man. _

"_Five"_

_If he kissed her now He would make her by social definition ... a whore_

"_I hate you" she hissed painfully as she grabbed his hands from her waist and pushed them back to him._

"_I ... "he started again, the thoughts let alone the words not entering his jumbled mind. _

"_Save it for your wife" She snapped and turned to walk into her room. _

_Derek stood at her open door watching her silently sit at the base of her bed, her head covered by her delicate hands. He wanted to walk over and do or say something to take away the pain but anything he said would hurt her. He needed to figure out just what would hurt less. He couldn't live without her, that much he was sure of, but was he really ready to be the guy that leaves his wife a spinster at 40. Was he good enough a man to walk away from the only person he's ever truly loved?_

_Meredith softly sobbed into her hands and he wandered if she realized he was still there. The Meredith he knew was far too proud to cry so openly before him, over him. He'd seen her cry a dozen times about other people, mostly her mother but now witnessing her cry for him and him alone. He ached in a way he had never done before. _

"_I'm leaving her" he finally spoke. _

_Meredith lifted her tired head to look at him, her hands immediately wiping away the tears he now knew she thought she had shed alone. _

_**I'm going to have to tell her**_

_**I just can't help myself**_

_**I'll suffer the consequences**_

_**I'm to a point**_

_**I just don't' care**_

"_Don't" her voice was croaky "don't do it for me Derek ... I won't be here for you if you do" her tone was cold and defeated, Derek couldn't believe what he was hearing, this was his Meredith, the woman who loved him so openly and passionately _

"_But I thought" he began before she interjected_

"_You thought I'd wait forever? You thought I'd be there when you decided I was worth caring about?" _

"_Mer" he pleaded, he couldn't bear to hear her so sorrowful. He'd never in his life hurt anybody to intentionally before. Especially someone he loved._

_I**'ve fallen in love with you**_

_**And I got to let her know**_

_**If leaving her means keeping you**_

_**Then I've got to let her go**_

"_Derek seriously ... You ruin my night with ... with ... oh his name is irrelevant. You ruined my evening. You kissed me. You say things and then you leave me to cuddle up to your wife. Then ... then you follow me to my bedroom and you touch me and you say more things ... I can't do this with you Derek. This is not a game for me"_

"_And you think it is for me?" he asked, obviously hurt by her remark._

"_Isn't it?" Derek stood silent, again anything he could say would only hurt her one way or another. He'd hurt her and leave him feeling vulnerable, and vulnerable isn't an emotion he's allowed himself to embrace much in his lifetime. _

"_I'm leaving her for you whether you want me or not" he told her firmly, his arms folded across his chest tightly as he tried to refrain from mirroring her visible emotions and crying too_

"_I'm not waiting for you ... and I'm not asking you to leave her. I already did that ... look where it got me" _

"_Don't people deserve second chances?"_

"_People yes ... boys who break your heart because their supermodel wives show up don't"_

_**I didn't mean**_

_**to let this thing get so strong ... no**_

_**Sometimes when you're merry in love**_

**_you can't tell right from wrong_**

_Derek smirked to himself to her annoyance as she spoke. "What's so amusing?"_

"_You ... you're amusing" he continued smiling at her from the door way. _

"_Amusing" She repeated still annoyed_

"_Yes amusing ... Meredith you're sitting there talking like you weren't begging me to do naughty things to you five minutes ago. Should I pretend your protests are real? Would that help any?" his arrogance while sexy was incredibly infuriating _

"_You want me Meredith and guess what ... I want you too. So can you just pretend that we protested and tried really hard to do the right thing while I go back to bed and think about how I am going to tell Addison I am done?" Meredith tried hard to keep herself mad at him_

"_And then Dr Grey I will most certainly do all the things you were wanting me to do five minutes ago" he whispered through smirking lips as she sat speechless before him. _

"_Just wait a little longer for me" He smiled lovingly as he stepped back into the hall way and vanished from her gaze_

"_I've already waited all my life. What's another day or two" she muttered sarcastically to herself_

"Izzie do you need a ride to work?" Meredith asked breaking up the animated conversation Izzie was having with Alex at the kitchen table. She had to talk to someone before she snapped and told Derek to stop looking at her the way he was. She had to admit it did make her tummy tingle with desire feeling him look at her this way while his wife sat beside him.

It felt dangerous

"No I am good" Izzie responded, her eyes remaining on Alex as he smiled cheekily at her, obviously party to a secret joke.

"I could do with a ride if you don't mind Dr Grey" Addison spoke, forcing Derek to lower the newspaper and glare bemused at her.

"I got a flat last night. I was going to ride in with you but if Meredith is leaving now I could do with being in early, I have a mother of quadruplets I need to check on" Addison reasoned with Derek, hoping her reasons sounded believable and she didn't just sound like she wanted to spend time making his ex mistress as uncomfortable as possible.

Derek looked up at Meredith apologetically as she stood unable to speak. The prospect of a fifteen minute drive alone with the she Shepard terrifying her

"I will drive you in a little while. Just let me finish my breakfast" Derek forcefully told her, knowing full well why she wanted to ride with Meredith

"It's ok" Meredith spoke up to his surprise "Are you ready to go now?" Meredith asked Addison as Addison rose to her feet and grabbed her jacket from behind her seat.

"Sure" Addison smiled at genuinely as she could towards Meredith.

Meredith and Addison left the kitchen and the house, they were already in the car and half way down the road before Izzie or Derek pulled their eyes from the kitchen door way stunned.

"Good luck with that" Izzie smirked as Derek as he remained stunned. Alex laughed and stole a piece of bacon from her place as she swatted his hand away.

**Sorry it took a while guys, I would love some feedback :)**


	8. Chapter 8

"The rain really never stops here does it?" Addison finally broke through the cement like wall of tension residing between her and Meredith. Who knew three minutes could feel this long. She couldn't quite believe how she got herself into this situation. She couldn't think of one logical reason why it was a good idea to be locked in a vehicle with Meredith Grey for any length of time. Then again logic hadn't really played any part in her life the last three months. With each day break she waved goodbye to a piece of her dignity. She was Addison Sheppard, renowned surgeon, and a fox to boot. But now here she was sitting next to the woman she knew her husband dreamt about and for reasons she couldn't fathom, she wanted Meredith to like her. She wanted to know what it was about this woman that made her husband so crazy. She wanted to know what made him call out her name at night, and wake in cold sweats when he realizes she isn't there. What did Meredith Grey have that she didn't? Aside from youth

**He's out buying her roses**

**And where that leaves me God only knows**

**I know I should tell him**

**To leave me forever**

**But what'll I do if he goes**

"No" Meredith answered through a faced and somewhat painful smile, her eyes darting momentarily to Addison and then back to the busy road before her. There were a thousand things she could say to begin a conversation right now, if only the person she was talking to wasn't the she Sheppard. She couldn't be rude could she; in all fairness the woman had done nothing to her. Yes she was married to Derek but she didn't tell him to make the emotionally jumbled intern fall in love with him. Could she really resent someone for fighting to keep McDreamy?

Meredith's hands gripped the steering wheel like a seventeen year old taking their first car for a spin. If looked deep in concentration perhaps the wife wouldn't think she was completely ignorant.

"Did you bang you're neck?" Addison commented, staring at the patch of skin between Meredith's hair line and the blue collar of her shirt. She didn't know why she asked, she didn't care how Meredith hurt herself, but she was afraid if she remained lost in her own thoughts she would bring up Derek and what went on between him and Meredith and neither of them needed that to happen.

**Should I put up a fight?**

**Does it matter who's right**

**Should I ruin my life or my pride**

**Can we save what we had**

**And if he comes back**

**Will I ever get it out of my mind**

"I uh ..." Meredith began; running her hand under her hair and touching exactly were Addison had been looking. The moment her fingers brushed the bruised flesh her mind raced with the memory Derek pressed behind her, his lips, his teeth his ... oh god, it's a hickey.

"I'm fine" Meredith finished, smartly assessing her own mind enough to know she didn't have the brain capacity at this very moment to lie and make it sound remotely like truth.

Glancing over a Derek's wife, her heart panged a little. What did he see in her? His wife was as closest to perfect as you get, sophisticated, intelligent, and beautiful. Who was she kidding thinking she could ever be enough for him, if his wife hadn't of slept with his best friend he would have happily grown old with her, never wondering if he was missing out on something else. If she hadn't betrayed him he would have never looked twice at her, she would have just been another surgery hungry intern, craving nothing more than his intelligence.

Meredith wished it was only his intelligence she craved

Here she was with her lover's wife. Could she call him her lover? They hadn't made love yet. They had barely kissed; a quick hot passionate fumble in a door way can't count for much. No and they weren't going to make love, at least not until he told the woman beside her right now, he wanted a divorce. How horrible a person was she, I mean really, she's sitting next to his wife and thinking about the next time she's going to strip him naked. When did she become this person? She really needed her best friend to snap her out of this mess.

God she hoped holding her head in the uncomfortable position meant his wife couldn't get another look at her neck and see the Derek branding.

"Thank you again for letting us stay at your house Meredith" Addison spoke for the first time again. It really was irritating her that Meredith wasn't trying to make friends at all. She didn't blame her; she wouldn't make friends with the woman who stole Derek from under her nose. But it was still irritating.

"It's my pleasure" Meredith smiled over at her again. It can't be her voice, Addison knows Derek, he is a serious guy, there is no way her voice helped him fall for her, it is so high and child like. Is that what he wanted was he craving a child and hadn't told her? It made sense that he would find someone to try and protect. Ew no he has slept with this woman, it can't be about wanting a child. And he never wanted kids; he always said his life was too chaotic to raise a child.

_Ring_

_Ring_

Addison's phone vibrated and rang in her pocket. Pulling it out she glanced at the caller ID screen. She couldn't help but smile to see Derek's name flashing up at her. She really didn't want to be a bitch or upset a girl she barely knew, but there was something so satisfying about him calling her, while she was with Meredith.

"Hey" Addison spoke into the phone.

Meredith couldn't hear much but she could hear enough to know it was Derek on the line.

"In the black suitcase with the silver logo ... Yes in the side compartment ... it was there ... Baby cant you wait until tonight and I will find it?" Addison continued to speak into her cell phone

Baby

The word rang through Meredith's mind like a church bell chime. The word baby just rolled off her tongue like it was natural. It can't be natural for anyone else to call him baby. It dawned on Meredith she had never had the opportunity to call him baby or honey or any of those cute names she used to hate so much.

"---Stubble can be very sexy" Addison remarked flirtatious into the phone before remembering where she was and who she was with and blushing ever so slightly. "You won't scare your patients. Here ask Meredith if you look scary without a shave" Addison pressed the phone up to Meredith's ear to Meredith's complete shock. Addison wanted to stop herself from reacting so childishly to this whole situation but at the end of the day she could feel her husband pulling further away if that was possible and Meredith was to blame.

"Listen to your wife" Meredith spoke quickly into the phone, trying her hardest to sound as nonchalant as possible, as Addison sat stern faced watching her. Derek could all but see her face in his mind as she spoke, the nervousness in her tone made him want to climb through the phone wire and rescue her from his problems.

"Meredith" His voice sent shivers from the tip of her spine down to its base. She didn't how he could say her name and make it sound like a thousand words, a thousand apologies at this very moment.

As quickly as Addison had placed to the cold plastic of the phone to her ear, it was gone. He was gone, back to his wife again.

"It is there, you just don't know how to look for anything ... bye" Addison clicked the phone shut.

"Men" She remarked whimsically

"Yeah" Meredith smiled over at her, the smile definitely not reaching her eyes that time.

"I know this is difficult for all of us Meredith. I am sorry that my husband ever brought you into our marital problems" Addison couldn't believe she was approaching this topic alone with Meredith on cold winters morning. But after him just calling her and boosting her martial ego a little, she felt confident enough to speak up.

"Its fine" Meredith nodded, willing Addison to climb down from her high horse and recluse back into the silence they had experienced earlier

"I know that Derek wants to be your friend and I suppose that makes us friends in law" Addison smiled, laughing a little

Meredith didn't know how to respond. Could she be brazen enough to try and make friends with the woman whose husband gave her a hickey not but a few hours ago. But if she says nothing what is she going to think, she didn't want his wife thinking she was a complete social reject, or to think she was effecting her in any way.

"The rain really is coming down heavy" Meredith observed quickly trying to change the conversation.

Addison could almost hear Meredith's heart racing a mile a minute. There was no way they could be friends, it was clear from her uncomfortable-ness Meredith wasn't over her husband, and as heartbreaking as it was to accept her husband wasn't over Meredith either.

"Looks like there's a storm brewing" Addison finished, glancing between a nervous Meredith and the cold rain drenched road ahead.

"You could say that again" Meredith agreed, the double entendre not lost on either of them

Ah we are finally here, Meredith sighed as she shut off the engine.

"Thank you for the ride" Addison smiled, now walking towards the hospital she felt more like Meredith's boss and less like a jilted bride.

"My pleasure" Meredith smiled politely and began to up her pace to move ahead of Addison.

"Did I enter the twighlight zone?" Cristina asked opening her junk filled locker. She wrestled for a few moments with an empty packet of chips and snickers bar wrapper, pushing them back into her locker. "Mer?" She asked abruptly, nudging her shoulder against Meredith's

"What" Meredith snapped, slamming her locker shut, emphasizing her mood

"Did I see you and McWife get out of a very small car together, unscathed, and looking all ... pally" She winced as she remembered the sight

"Her car broke down, I gave her a ride" Meredith explained like a scolded child.

"Does she not have a broom" Izzie quipped, walking round from her locker and leaning against Meredith's, Cristina high fived her as the three of them chuckled like teenagers bitching about the new kid at school.

"Can you believe she did that?" Meredith asked Izzie.

"It was so funny, Derek paced the hallway for ten minutes after you guys left" Izzie laughed, with Cristina joining in.

"What's so funny" George asked walking in on the middle of them talking; he was concerned with the look on Meredith's face. She definitely had her, Derek screwed me over look on; she looked pretty when she was sad

"I drove Sheppard's wife to work" Meredith muttered in that cute under her breath way.

"Good for you" George applauded to the gang's dismay

"I mean ... You are a strong intelligent woman, it is good that you are taking the higher ground and moving on" George rambled,

"She's not moving on dufus, she is just stupid" Cristina smiled sarcastically at Meredith.

"I have to talk to you" Meredith told her as she pulled Christina into the hallway and towards the on call rooms, leaving Izzie yet again left out and George thinking about how nice Meredith smelt as she walked by him.

"You need help" Izzie joked, stoking her hand sisterly down Georges arm

"I need help" George repeated in agreeance, fiddling with his stethoscope

"Look" Meredith demanded, pulling the top of her scrub away from her neck to reveal the hickey.

"It's a hickey" Cristina stated unamazed.

"Congratulations you are fourteen again" Cristina smarted off

"Is he taking you to prom?" Meredith wondered if she amused herself as much as she thought she amused her.

"Derek did it" Meredith confessed quietly, a hit of sulking to her voice.

"Oh no you didn't" Cristina stood slack jawed, unsure whether to kick or applaud her friend.

"No I didn't ... we didn't ... He uh ... We ... It stopped before we" Meredith began to make silly head movements and gestures to suggest she was talking about sex.

"If you're old enough to have it, you're old enough to say what it is" Cristina smirked dryly.

"I'm not having it. Not with him ... though he did walk in on me and that guy last night" Meredith couldn't believe the onslaught of confessions she was throwing Cristina's way but she needed someone to off load on

"Who needs TV with friends like you" Cristina laughed

"This isn't a joke Cristina, this is my life, my messed up joke of a life" Meredith ran her fingers through her already messy hair.

"What are you going to do?" Cristina inquired, unsure how else to help

"He says he's leaving her"

"He has said that before" Cristina reasoned, Meredith nodded

"I don't know what to do" Meredith stared at the bare walls,

"You are making me potentially late for pre-rounds and bailey is already riding my ass like a rodeo clown. You better decide what you are going to do ASAP"

"He might leave her" Meredith sound hopeful

"Mer-"

"No I know I am a fool Cristina. I know ok ... it's just, he's so ... and I ... I just... I dunno"

"Damn the yucky love stuff" Cristina offered, those five words telling Meredith she knows exactly what she is trying to say.

"Damn it to hell" Meredith finished, before opening the door and running back to the changing room ahead of bailey.

"Yeah you better run" Bailey yelled down the hallway towards them, making it clear she knows they were almost late.

He could see her across the cafeteria with her friends; from the way Cristina was looking at him he was sure Meredith had told her about last night. He wanted her to look up at him, to catch his eye for just a second, he wanted to try and tell her everything would be ok.

Picking up his steaming coffee and bagel he walked slowly back towards the hospital, he had been working at SGH for months now and he still didn't have anyone he could sit and eat lunch with. Leaning against the cold glass he fiddled with his coffee, alternating between staring and shaking the white stick inside it. All the way his eyes never straying far from her table, her small frame huddled over the table, she looked tired, drained. He knew he was to blame but he hoped lack of sleep was more the cause.

"I thought you had a surgery" Addison asked, standing in front of him,

She had been watching from a table across the way since he walked out, she saw the shifty glances between Meredith and her friends and the pained look of concern on her husband's face.

"It was cancelled until later" he answered directly

"Why did you do that this morning?" He asked bluntly taking a sip from his cup, the hot coffee stinging his tongue as he swallowed

"I told you I had a flat-"

"Don't play games with her Addy, play all the games you want with me but leave her out of this" he snapped in a low tone, his face now close to hers.

Meredith glanced over to where she knew Derek had been standing. She could tell from the elegant stance and the perfect auburn hair flowing down her white coat that Addison was in front of him. Her stomach clenched as Derek leant in closer to her, his hand lightly touching the side of her waist.

"Look away" Cristina interrupted her own conversation to advise Meredith

"But he said--" Meredith began

"Men lie" Cristina interjected quickly before moving the conversation round the table back to her next cool surgery.

"Trust me it's not me who needs to leave her out of our marriage Derek" Addison hissed into his ear coldly, the pain evident in her voice

Derek stood silent, should he lie after realizing he wants a divorce. Was he that man?

Addison took him by the arm and led him into the hospital and onto a quiet hallway

"Tell me you love me Derek" Addison startled him

**How long until you just can't go on**

**And the urge to break loose is just too strong**

**You should let go that's what you want to do**

**Oh but you don't know, you don't know**

**If it's the right thing to do**

"What?" He responded baffled

He didn't know what to do, here was his wife begging him to show some affection.

Did she deserve affection yet?

His mother had taught him how to treat a woman right and how to tie his own shoe laces but she never explained what he should do if his cheated on him. How does he deal with that the right way?

Did he still love her? In all the months spent trying to forgive her he hadn't really thought about if he loved her still. Can you love two people at the same time? He had assumed falling for Meredith meant he didn't love her, but here he was still married and right now all he wanted to do was not upset her any further.

"I don't know how to keep doing this Derek. I need you to tell me you love me. You don't have to like me yet or forgive me but for this to work you have to love me, even just a little" Tears welled in her eyes for possibly the fifth time in his presence.

"Addy" He comforted or at least tried to.

"Please Derek"

"I ..."

**You lie you don't want to hurt me**

**So you lie, buy a little time, and I go along**

**What else can I do, maybe its wrong**

**But you know how much I love you**

**So you lie till you can find a way to say goodbye**

**You lie**

"I do" He finally answered as she fell into his arms, his coffee spilling a little over his hand as she hugged him tightly

"We can fix this baby" She whispered heartbreakingly into his ear.

No we can't, he thought. But until he can find the right way to let his marriage go he would have to try.

Feedback makes me wanna write faster, you guys are amazing, Thanks you


	9. Chapter 9

"Hi" Derek let out in a lazy gasp, his tired body slouching onto the dark couch. At one am in the morning after a fifteen hour shift he was thankful for the dim lights in the tea room. His feet ached from hours upon hours in the OR.

"I lost Mr Timm's tonight, I really thought he was going to pull through" He carried on speaking, his fingers pressing against the lids of eyes softly, the thumping of his tired heart pulsating through his fingertips.

**I'm so tired, I haven't slept a wink  
I'm so tired, my mind is on the blink  
I wonder should I get up and fix myself a drink  
no, no, no. **

"I'm sorry" Meredith muttered from the table across the way from him, he could only see her back as she hunched over a book and a table lamp, but he could tell she was exhausted too. "I liked him" She finished, cementing the fact that she really was listening to him. He was hoping for a little more, perhaps an enquiry into his well being, a man had just died on his operating table. Back when he and Meredith were dating she was always concerned with his problems. He never anticipated losing that element of her when he became her problem.

Or did she become his?

"What are you doing?" He asked without any hint of inquisition, he knew she was studying, there was nothing else she could have been doing, but after the day he had been through with his wife and him and her, he couldn't think of anything else to say to her.

"Reading" her tone not altering its low and sleepy drawl

**I'm so tired, I don't know what to do  
I'm so tired, my mind is set on you  
I wonder should I call you but I know what you would do**

"Anything interesting" he carried on talking into the dark room. The couch was far from comfortable but the feel of his feet up and light on the arm as he lay back was exactly what he had been craving all night.

"Just reading" Meredith turned the page and carried on looking at the thick medical book beneath her hands.

"I really thought—"Derek began another pointless comment

"I have to study Derek ... please" Meredith quipped, it was no bothering him more then he liked that he hadn't even saw her face since he walked in.

"I thought you'd be a little more compassionate, I just lost a patient ... a very close and personal patient ... I thought at the least you would sound a little sorry for me" Derek snapped in a low tone. Obviously hurt more then he thought about her disregard for him at this moment

"I am not sorry for you Derek. And I am not your shoulder to cry on ... You should call your wife. I am sure she is just waiting for you to come home" She snapped back, still never turning to look at him. "To my house" she added quietly, almost to quietly to consider it talking, even Derek wasn't sure what she had muttered under her breathe.

"Are you mad at me?" Derek softly spoke, the fear that she was evident in his tone

"I don't know ... Should I be?" Meredith asked dryly. Derek sat upright abruptly hoping his sudden movement would urge her to look at him.

"Your silence is deafening"

"Meredith" He finally spoke

"It's one in the morning Derek. In two hours it will be 24 hours since you told me you were leaving her ... I can't stand sounding like the nagging mistress but what are you doing Derek? What do you-" Meredith finished abruptly and sat silent.

"Want?" He asked "What do I want?"

"Forget it" Meredith dismissed him as she closed her book and began to collect her things from the table.

**It's your life, and you can do what you wanna do.  
Do what you like, but please don't keep me waitin'  
Please don't keep me waitin',**

"You know what I want Meredith, Who I want" She hadn't heard him move from the couch, but now he leant on her chair inhaling involuntarily into her hair, almost instinctively.

"Didn't look that way earlier" Meredith sulked, hoping the sass in her voice would hide the hurt

Derek froze his body stiffening behind her in a way very different to the night before. Had she saw him with Addison? Why did he feel like he was cheating on her?

If he was honest with himself he wasn't just cheating on her, he was cheating his heart.

"Earlier" He choked out, feigning a cough to disguise the fact he almost choked with fear

"I overheard her talking to someone on her cell phone ... I wasn't ear-wigging" She cleared up cutely before continuing "She was telling someone how happy she was in Seattle with you and how you had told her you loved her this morning ... Was that before or after you were drooling over me in the kitchen?" Meredith spun her head to meet his shell shocked eyes. The usual blue spark in them lost.

"So I ask again ... What do you want? Do want me but you love her, is that it?"

"Meredith-"

"I can't believe I was stupid enough to think this could work. Everyone was right" Meredith rose to her aching feet and tried half heartedly to move past him. She wanted to run away but she also really needed for him to tell her she had heard wrong and he didn't love his wife, he loved her, he wanted her. But the look of sorrow on his face told her she wasn't going to get her wish.

"Move" She demanded, pushing him back forcefully with her small hands.

**Cuz I'm so tired, tired of waiting, tired of waiting for you.  
So tired, tired of waiting, tired of waiting for you.  
I was a lonely soul; I had nobody 'till I met you.  
But you, keeping me waiting, all of the time  
what can I do?**

"I'm not a bad husband Meredith" He exclaimed before she reached the door.

"The hickey on my neck says otherwise" She snapped spinning to meet his dark gaze

"Are you sure it was me, casa Grey needs a revolving door"

"Nice" Meredith hissed, the lump in her throat tightening with every breath.

He didn't know why he was being so mean to her; all she had done was call him on his mistakes. He shouldn't have told Addison he loved her, even if he still did in his own way, he wasn't in love with her. The fiery intern with tear welled eyes before him had his heart under lock and key. So why was he punishing her for his mistakes.

"You cheat on your wife and yet I'm the whore" she laughed bewildered "Unbelievable" she yelled turning to leave again.

"I don't know how to tell her—"Derek stopped her again with his words, she hated that he had hold over her but there was no denying that he did. Again she turned slowly holding back the tears wresting with her tear ducts.

"I know that she slept with Mark and that was unforgivable, but I promised to try and forgive her. I made a colossal mistake ... Tell me how to end my marriage Meredith" He pleaded, in all the time she had known him he hadn't shed a single tear but this heavy breathing heartache thing he was doing right now was the closest he'd came to it.

"I thought it was already over" Meredith retorted obviously still enraged with him

"I and Addison are over. But she is still my wife" he tried to reason calmly

"You told her you loved her"

"She begged me too ... what was I supposed to say" the calmness leaving his voice quickly

"No ... its only two letters, one syllable" Derek was obviously not amused with her constant wise ass remarks "That is if you don't love her" a single tear betrayed her as it trickled slowly down the curve of her cheek and rested delicately on the corner of her quivering lip as she panted with raw emotion

"A person doesn't just do that Meredith. I couldn't just do that, here in the hospital, just tell her before a long day in work that I want a divorce ... these things take time ... I have to do this right--"

"By her" Meredith finished for him,

**Oh, watcha do to me is not the question  
I swear I felt the magic from the start  
I see the promise of a legendary love  
But I am not about to share your heart**

"She cheated on you with your best friend but that's fine Derek, you do this right by her. I'll just sit on the side line and wait for my turn on the Derek merry go round" Derek reached out for her but she stepped back just out of his reach

"You know what ... my stomach is churning, no more rides for me" with that Meredith smiled sadly at him through harsh eyes and opened the door.

"I don't love her" Derek stopped her once more. He hadn't know what he was going to stay to stop her leaving again but that seemed to do the trick, did he mean what he just said?

It felt right

"Meredith you have to give me a little more time" He pleaded forcefully, his hands now holding her small arms as she stood close to him.

"What would you do Derek if you were me? How would you deal with sleeping alone knowing I was with someone else?"

"I would follow you into the bathroom and demand you stop" He answered easily, his bottom lip threatening to quiver too

"No Derek, you're missing my point ... you weren't alone. You had your beautiful wife in your bed" Meredith shrugged his hands from her arms feelings very claustrophobic

**I'd do almost anything just to make you mine  
But I won't stand in line  
I won't stand in line waiting for your call  
I won't take a number, just to take a fall  
So make up your mind  
I won't stand in line**

"I—"he stuttered "you're beautiful" his strong hand cupped her cheek, his thumb stroking away another tear. It amazed him how she could cry without making a single sob, Just dozens of tiny warm tears.

"I can't wait for you Derek" She began, shaking off the heartfelt complement as it sent shockwaves through her body "I thought I could but I can't"

"Baby" He consoled sadly. It broke her heart that he chose now to call her baby for the first time. She hated that the corners of her mouth wanted her to smile.

"I am not your baby" she began to sob softly; her teeth clenched trying to fight the pain away.

"You're not my wife, but you are my baby" he confessed, his words drenched in too much devotion for her to fully deny him

"You're her baby" Meredith tried as hard as she could to regain composure and force her body to move from his embrace

"No ... I used to be, before I met you, before I—"He wanted to tell her he loved her, it physically hurt holding back the one constant thought in his head. But how could he tarnish that first memory by saying it now, while she's crying because he told his wife he loved her.

"Before I knew what it felt like to be someone's baby, I am your baby Meredith"

"Derek-"She supplicated in between sobs.

Derek bridged the small gap between them, his warm lips pressing delicately to hers. Pulling back a little he tasted the salt from her tears before pressing his lips back to hers, his lips cushioning her bottom lip between his sucking it softly into his mouth. Meredith placed her palms on his chest, meaning to push him away but only resting them gently on his dark scrubs, his heart pounded onto her hands as his mouth continued to tenderly kiss her. The ache in the pit of her stomach and the tingle of her chest told her she wanted him to kiss her deeper, but the sensation of him simply tasting her was captivating. Her body was too tired to follow through on her carnal needs. That and she weren't sure her pride could let her actively participate in this act of adultery.

Trailing the flat pad of his rough tongue along her half closed mouth, he smiled as she moaned softly, her already limp body weakening further into his welcoming arms.

Placing another soft kiss on the corner of her mouth he pulled back and rested his forehead on hers, their breaths mingling as they inhaled and exhaled in unison

**Keeping all those hearts up in the air  
Don't you know in time you're bound to stumble  
And when that day comes it won't be my affair**

**I'd do almost anything if I could make you mine  
I won't stand in line**

"I need time—"he wrecked his mind for the right words to make her stay, his fingers laced through her hair and cradled her face close to his "I know she betrayed me, I just don't want to be that guy. I don't want to hurt anyone ... Leaving her is going to hurt her enough"

"I hate you" Meredith admitted emotionally drained. Derek couldn't tell if she really meant it, it scared him that he wasn't sure

"I hate me too" He pulled her deeper into his arms, his head resting above hers as she wrapped her arms around his waist and up his broad back.

**I would have waited forever  
If I'd known that you'd be here  
We could have shared our lives together  
And held each other close all through the years**

"What time is it?" Addison groaned from her pillow as Derek sat at the foot of the bed removing his shoes.

"After two" He answered unbuckling his pants and sliding them down his legs.

"Did you have a bad night?" She asked still half asleep, but wanting to speak to him after the progress they had made earlier that day

**But I met someone before you  
And my heart just couldn't wait  
So no matter how much I adore you  
I've got to stand behind the promise that I made**

"I am just tired" he told her as he climbed into bed trying to keep a ft of space between them.

Addison shimmied closer to him, placing her arm over his bare chest.

"Goodnight" she said closing her eyes again

"Night" he responded, unable to touch her

"I love you" Addison boldly whispered. She knew she was pushing her luck with him but hearing him admit he loved her still had given her a new lease of life.

Silence

"Derek" She asked lifting her head to try and see his face in the moonlight; Derek lay with his eyes closed in silence.

Addison's heart panged, she knew he was tired but there was no way he was asleep already. Had he lied to her this morning? Why was she putting herself through this, no matter if he loved her or not she knew he was in love with Meredith? After all he had already admitted he did fall in love with her at some point.

Rolling away from him Addison cradled her body into the sheets as the cool wind howled. She wondered if the trees felt as cold as her at that moment.

**Where were you  
When I could have loved you  
Where were you  
When I gave my heart away  
All my life I've been dreaming of you  
You came along one promise too late  
You came along one promise too late**

Opening his eyes Derek stared at the dark grey ceiling, his heart and body ached to be across the hall with Meredith but his stomach hurt with grief and regret for Addison and for his marriage

**Where were you  
When I could have loved you  
Where were you  
When I gave my heart away  
All my life I've been dreaming of you  
You came along one promise too late**


	10. Chapter 10

Derek returned to his makeshift bedroom after a quick hot shower to start the day. His mood was slightly elevated because didn't have a long shift today, Eight hours had he'd on his way to Joe's for a few beers. Or at least that was his plan, he knew if his day was as complicated as the last few days had been he would probably be drinking more than a few beers, either that or in bed at a time even his Grandmother would say is too early. After such a long day yesterday he had assumed he would crash out as soon as his head hit the pillow. But unfortunately he had stared at the ceiling almost until the sun came up. He had taken regular trips to the bathroom in the feign hope that Meredith might wake and he could see her for a little while, he wondered if she'd let him hold her until she fell asleep. He played out the simplest fantasy in his mind. He would ask her if he could hold her and they would lay in her bed, her body spooned into his. He would promise to leave as soon as she fell asleep. He knew in reality if he lay with her he'd probably be still at her side watching her snore until she woke. He fantasised about Addison waking up and finding him in Meredith's bed, and how she would scream and rant and tell him she can't be with him anymore and he would tell her he was sorry and she would leave, leave the house, leave the marriage, leave the city and they would talk on the phone and eventually they would become friends. And he would remain in Meredith's bed by Meredith's side listening to Meredith snore.

Happy

Of course by the time he'd finished this fantasy along with numerous other thoughts about his marriage and Meredith and oddly he'd spent a good twenty minutes trying to remember every lyric to the Clash's Every Little Bit Hurts. By the time he his brain hurt too much to think Addison was waking up and spending her usual hour and half, getting ready for work. He appreciated the effort she put into looking good and making an impression but he remembered when they were just living together and being interns had them rush off their feet, back when she didn't have an hour and a half to get ready in the morning. He remembered how tired they were back then and how things really hadn't changed in that department but most of all he remembered how beautiful she was. He remembered how she used to be able to roll out of bed and into her scrubs because the job meant more than her appearance. He could never understand why as the year's pasts she grew fonder and fonder of beauty products and pampering regimes. He could barely recall a night he came home from work and she wasn't doing her nails in front of the TV or lying in bed with ridiculous face packs on. Where had the carefree girl he fell in love with gone, and who was the woman sharing his bed. She didn't talk to him like she used to, most of her conversations started with "Do you like my new hair" or something related to the hospital. He had more often than not spent fourteen plus hours at the hospital. When he came home the last thing he wanted to discuss was work.

**We sit here in the silence  
Putting off what must be said**

I read a book you watch T.V.  
As our love dies quietly  
I'm so sad I don't know what I've just read

Back when they were newlyweds they would count the hours till they could leave the hospital and be alone together in their apartment. The apartment was nice, her parents had gave it to them as a wedding gift, but they would sit for hours talking about the kind of house they would buy together one day and how many rooms they would need for their children. They would talk about things that mattered to both of them.

It was a good 4 years before they left the apartment. Derek had grown attached to the small over crowded place but Addison wanted bigger, she wanted a room for all the clothes she was now buying, clothes she barely got to wear because Gucci and scrubs weren't the best combination.

She wanted something bigger

Derek obliged and picked out a nice old house, Addison had loved it when they moved in, she seemed very content with spending her any of her time away from the hospital dressing the house up in various designs and what was initially two spare rooms became a room for clothes and a room for a nursery and then 2 rooms for her clothes. They had always talked about children. Coming from a big family Derek always assumed he would be a father one day, but they had never sat down and decided when the right time to have a child would be. He knew it bothered her because whenever she drank or got mad at him she would throw up at him that he hadn't gave her a child, that he loved the hospital more than her. He felt bad for her and he regretted never having a child but he knew rationally they didn't have time right now for children.

He even found himself fantasising about being and old dad. Once his residency was over and he assumed he'd have more flexible time being an attending as would Addison, they would then talk about conceiving. But now thinking back that time never came. Being an attending was as demanding as being a resident, his patients depended upon his undivided attention, and their lives depended on him. How could he sleep at night if he put his own wants ahead of someone's life?

What kind of doctor would that make him?

Now eleven years after he promised to have and to hold her in sickness and health, through the good and the bad. He wondered how they had gotten here. When did his marriage start to fall apart? Was it Mark, had he simply seduced her? Was it work? had that simply seduced them both?

Was it him?

He loved his marriage; he loved knowing the ring on his finger represented eleven long years of devotion. He loved that his parent's good example had rubbed off on him and he made them proud. His father was a good man, they never always saw eye to eye, and Derek was his only son so his expectations were as too be expected ... extremely high. His father had always worked hard for his family and provided everything he could but the one thing Derek admired most was that even when the hard times came and they did come, his dad would fix it. His mother wasn't the easiest person to be around at the best of times, she nagged and whined, he laughed to himself thinking perhaps he had married his mother. But even when Derek could tell she was nagging his father to the brink of insanity his dad would take a walk and clear his mind and when he returned he would--, well it didn't matter what he would do the important part was he would return. The good and the bad his father was there.

**Somebody should leave  
But which one should it be  
you need the kids  
and they need me  
somebody should leave  
But we hate to give in  
We keep hopin' somehow  
we might need each other again**

He remembered one cold New York night he had gotten home from a study session later then he should have, and tiptoeing past his parents room he overheard them fighting. His mother was crying and she was threatening to leave and take Derek and his sisters with her, his father had yelled back but he couldn't recall what he said. He didn't know what started the fight but he remembered not sleeping that night, laying awake dreading the morning for fear of finding packed bags and smeared mascara on his mothers face. To his surprise he was welcomed to a regular morning at the Shepard household. His mother was cooking breakfast while his father read the paper and his sisters were yelling at each other of allocated bathroom time. He kept waiting for the bombshell to hit, he waited and he waited but nothing. He kissed his mother goodbye that morning and headed to Addison's to walk her to school.

**You say goodnight  
and turn to face the wall  
we lay here in the darkness  
and the tears start to fall**

Nothing was ever said about that fight and he often wondered how many fights they had like that. How many times his mother had threatened to leave and vice versa but they never did, they stayed they fought over their differences on many occasion but the most important thing was they fought for their marriage.

How could he repay them for working so hard on their marriage to give him the right example in life by divorcing Addison? Would they even care that he loved Meredith? Would they see anything except his failings? Could he fail his father?

**Somebody should leave  
But we hate to give in  
So let's keep hopin' we might need each other again**

"Wonderful" Addison exclaimed joyously into her cell phone, smiling widely over at him as he continued to dry the back of his hair with the small towel in his hand.

"The trailer will be fit to live in this afternoon ... I use the word fit objectively" She continued smiling. She never thought she would ever want to move back into the trailer. But after a few days of living with the woman of her husband's dreams, the trailer looked pretty cool.

"Can you pack up our things after your shift and drive them back to the trailer" She asked him while fastening the clasp below her ankle to her new heels the day suddenly looking cheery for her. "Oh and can you do the husband thing and fix my flat" She smirked playfully at him through her deep red locks. Her eyes casually trailing down his bare chest, Mark was sexy but she wondered why she ever desired someone else when this body, this man was in her bed every night. Derek noticed the wanting gleam to her eyes and quickly picked up his light blue shirt and put it on, the fabric sticking to his still damp skin.

"If you're the best husband in the world, you can also pick up some wine and put it on ice for when I get home around ten?"

"If you were the best wife –"Derek started, quickly dampening her playful manner.

"I thought we were trying to work past all that Derek?" she spoke now sounding like the woman he'd been married too for the last few years

Derek remained silent, buttoning up his shirt and pulling his jumper navy jumper over his head.

"We will get away from Meredith Grey and everything will be fine" Addison assured with false hope and determination

"Who were you talking to one the phone yesterday?" Derek asked, blatantly avoiding the topic of Meredith, who he could hear pottering around her room, yelling at Izzie to lower the radio down.

"What?"

"Yesterday, you were on the phone to someone" He explained

"It is the twenty first century I do have and use my phone numerous times a day Derek"

"You told someone about our conversation at lunchtime" he added

"Were you spying on me?" Addison defensively snapped.

"No Meredith--" he spoke without thinking.

"Meredith? What does she have to do-- ... Was she listening to my phone calls and running back to you?" Addison was now yelling, her second hell strap forgotten and flapping softly onto her foot.

"Yes Addy she was spying on you ... Don't be over dramatic, she heard you somehow I don't know ... forget it, I don't care who you were talking to" He turned his back to her and picked up his blackberry,

"We are not going to stand any chance at all if she is coming between us Derek. You're girlfriend will cost us our marriage" Derek spun, his eyes enraged.

"You cost us our marriage. You in bed with my best friend"

"How many times do I have to apologise Derek? ... I really could do with a fixed number so I know I am getting somewhere"

"Your apologies are weightless Addison ... weightless. You could never apologise enough"

With one last sigh of anger Derek left the room

Addison quickly finished dressing, she took one look in the mirror so make sure her make-up wasn't smeared and she left the house without breakfast.

Standing in the front garden, she tightened her long black coat around her and cursed that her car was broke. Taking a loud heeled step she began to walk to work.

_Ring_

Addison pulled her phone from her pocket fast,

"Derek!" She signed into the phone, the cold air tingled her fingers as she held the phone to her ear

"No it's the good looking one" Addison began to walk faster from Meredith's house

"Mark" She stated his name disappointingly

"You even sound like cold ... That city is dreadful" he moaned half joking

"It's a good job you don't live here then isn't it" Addison smarted off dryly, crossing the busy morning road

"About that—"

HONK

"Keep driving jerk" Addison yelled after a jeep that she almost walked into.

"Mark stop calling me, I gave you your chance and you screwed it up," She warned him "and that woman" she added for good measure

With that she clicked her phone shut with a heavy sign and carried on walking.

"Derek" Meredith gasped as he ran directly into her in the hallway. Derek ignored her and stormed into the bathroom, with Meredith following behind

"Did you do it?" she asked directly, jumping to assumptions

**It's your call, It's her  
Would you rather take it in the other room  
She's hangin' on and so am I  
Yeah, I know all about it don't act so surprised**

"Not now Meredith" He dismissed her, splashing his face with cold water

"I kinda need to know if your wife is going to kick me with her very expensive, very pointy heels"

"Not now" He snapped again, his head lowered into his chest as he leant against the sink

"Don't yell at me Derek ... don't yell at me" she snapped back at him, "Your wife is down the hall, I could hear you fighting with her. You owe me and explanation"

It's time to end this game you're playin'  
She's not the only one who's waitin' on the line

"I can't do this Meredith" he startled her by finally speaking, his tone sullen and broken."I can't deal with my marriage and you at the same time. It is too hard ... life shouldn't be this hard" Meredith touched her hand delicately to his hunched back,

"Don't comfort me Meredith" he spoke bluntly, his tortured eyes meeting her slowly saddening ones in the mirror. Meredith slowly lowered her hand

"I feel like I am drowning again" he admitted heartbreakingly

**It's your call  
It's up to you  
And I won't try to stop you if you go  
But if you stay tell her goodbye  
I can't take another minute  
I can't stand another night**

**Of wondering if I even matter  
it's something only you can answer  
here's the phone, It's your call**

"Only this time you're not my air, you were right when I left you and you said that I had used you because of my marriage. You were right ... I didn't lie to you, everything about us was real ... is real, but yes I used you, I met you and you made me feel like a free man, a new man. You made me feel like the man I wanted to be when I grew up. I used you for that feeling, I adored you and I wanted to be with you forever, but I still used you" His voice broke with emotion as the mirror showed Meredith begin to cry, her bottom lip caught between her teeth as she fought it. He wanted to hug her to make it better but he couldn't make his body turn to face her,

"I don't have that feeling anymore ... No that's wrong" He questioned himself "I do feel the same, that hasn't changed, but with Addison here I can't enjoy it. I can't enjoy you" he finally turned and Meredith took a step back to avoid touching him

"I can't love you like you need me to" Derek had meant that he couldn't express his love like he meant but Meredith had taken him completely wrong an thought he was saying he couldn't love her

"You're not leaving her?" Meredith asked trying desperately to forget what he had just said, before she wept

"That isn't the point, Meredith I can't make that decision accurately with you on my mind all the time. Worrying about hurting you, afraid of losing you ... I need to know if I leave my marriage it is because I can't fix it ... not because of you"

"Meredith if I didn't have my feelings for you ... If I didn't have you, I don't know if I would leave her"

"She cheated Derek ... Stop torturing yourself" Meredith pleaded

"She is my wife" He gasped

"What am I Derek?"

_The love of my life _was his initial thought but he stopped himself from causing her more pain by dangling his affections in front of her.

"You're the woman I wish I met before my marriage" He smiled sadly

"If you do this Derek, if you walk away, I'm done ... I get your reasons you are all very noble and crap but I swear to god—" She inhaled quick and deep "You are losing me, you're losing us. I can't do this anymore either. I have said I couldn't do this a hundred times over and you have convinced me to wait for you, I am not waiting for you" Even as the words left her mouth she knew they weren't really true. She hated the truth, because the truth was—

She would wait forever

**There's no easy way out this time  
Cause I won't live this way  
She called here to talk to you  
With a message that I can't take**

Oh, I've got to know if I still matter  
It's somethin' only you can answer  
Here's the phone, It's your call 


	11. Chapter 11

"I've washed my hands with him" Meredith half whispered to Cristina as they followed bailey and their fellow interns around the halls of the surgical wing of Seattle grace hospital 

"I don't carry any congratulations you're not a loser stickers around with me, I only have the you are a loser variety ... I tend to use them more" Cristina smirked as they bypassed nurses and slow old patients walking to and from their hospital rooms. "Especially with you these days" Cristina looked her best friend up and down in joking disapproval. Meredith rolled her eyes back at Cristina and upper her pace slightly ahead of hers. 

"So what has McMarried done this time?" Cristina spoke louder then she intended and was welcomed to an onslaught of stares from the rest of her group. "Like this is your business" She spat out, making sure her eyes made contact with every single one of them. Luckily bailey was a few steps ahead of her interns and failed to witness their sudden attention diversion. 

"He didn't call you Addison did he?" Cristina took Meredith by the elbow and pulled her back to her side. 

"No" She gasped, taken back a little more then she should have been, perhaps it had just been the sound of McWife's name on her person's lips. "I am just not waiting for him anymore. I deserve better" Meredith spoke low yet confidently 

"Yes you do" Cristina responded instinctively, only half listening to Meredith's declarations of strength, she was starting to get the handle on this being someone's best friend thing 

"I am not letting him treat me like his dirty ex mistress anymore" 

"Good for you" Cristina answered quickly, her attention obviously not fully Meredith's

"I mean it" Meredith defended her statements, sensing Cristina's lack of belief

"I am sure you do sweetie" Cristina smiled emptily at her, sweetie, since when did Cristina called her sweetie.

"I really mean it" She exasperated, stepping in front of Cristina and staring intently

"Oh are you expecting me to believe you?" Cristina asked with half feigned disbelief, the chart Burke had given her five minutes ago now resting against her chest as she folded her arms in front of her

"Come on Mer, the man's your freaking McDream" Meredith's eyes resolved into sad agreeance.

"You can do better" Cristina reassured forcefully "besides he's over ten years older then you ... You can find the McDreamy 2007"

"The old models flawed" Meredith cut in smiling softly, "and is hair isn't even THAT great" She added quickly as they walked into another ward

"His hair is perfect, let's be realistic" Cristina reasoned jokingly

"You should see it when he gets up in the morning" Meredith muttered into Cristina's ear as bailey asked George to present the next patient

"Are you talking to me?" Addison asked Derek demurely, as he sat with his head buried in charts, the images on the light board above him making his mind hurt. He couldn't figure out for the life of him why his 27 year old patient was seizing almost hourly

"I'm working" He answered coldly, not even being polite enough to look up at her

"I take that as a no then" Addison huffed defeated before walking out of the MRI station

**Drain the veins in my head  
Clean out the reds in my eyes to get by security lines   
Dear x-ray machine  
Pretend you don't know me so well  
I won't tell if you lied  
Cry, cause the droughts been brought up  
Drinkin' cause you're lookin so good in your starbucks cup  
I complain for the company that I keep  
The windows for sleeping rearrange  
And I'm nobody  
Well who's laughin now**

Derek listened to her footsteps for a few moments until he couldn't differentiate between hers and everyone else's. He did still love that he knew she was coming towards him long before she spoke because of the silly yet sexy heels she always wore. The clang of those used to be music to his ears. Now he loved the sound because it prepared him for facing her, whether it is to ignore her, or to take whatever girl tantrum she had on her mind at the time.

The day hadn't started well for him what so ever. Firstly he couldn't sleep all night and then his wife yelled and screamed about something or another, as well as the gasman calling and telling him he could move back into his trailer. A trailer he loved more than any other home he had or ever had. Addison couldn't understand his love for the trailer; she took it as a personal vendetta against her. He had to agree with her it was small, cramped and impossible to have a decent shower in, but what it represented to him meant more than great showers and extra living space. The trailer was his safe haven after what Addison had done with Mark. Everything he needed was within reach, it was comfortable. It didn't have locked doors filled with skeletons and misery. It didn't expect him to be something he wasn't. He could just come home, take off his shoes and rest his mind.

**I'm leaving your town again  
And I'm over the ground that you've been spinning  
And I'm up in the air so baby hell yeah  
Well I can see your house from here  
If the plane goes down, damn  
I'll remember where the love was found  
If the plane goes down, damn**

The trailer was like Meredith. The two elements combined in his life was a feeling he never thought he'd ever experience. He wasn't sure if he loved the trailer more because it felt like Meredith, or if he loved Meredith that little bit more because she made him feel like his trailer did ... comfortable, excepted, content.

The fight with Meredith had made his stomach churn, it had been four hours now and the feeling still hadn't subsided. She told him she wouldn't wait for him, she looked so serious. His stomach had shaken a little extra when he realized a part of him was proud of her for not waiting for him. He knew himself; he knew no matter how much he couldn't get Meredith out of his mind, part of his heart, part of him was still devoted to his ring ... To his marriage ... To Addison

**Flax seeds, well they tear me open  
and supposedly you can crawl right through me  
Taste these teeth please**

He was proud that she was strong enough to want to leave him behind. He knew if he was her he wouldn't have waited as long as she has. He wouldn't have expected to win this never ended battle. He loved that for all her cynical the world is out to get you rants she was secretly an optimist. He was the biggest optimist he knew and even he didn't trust that he'd be as devoted as her. Though perhaps her devotion to him was no different to his devotion to his marriage, Meredith wanted and willed her relationship with him to work, she cried and pleaded for the pain to be over and the happiness to resume. Were his feelings towards his marriage any different? He wanted it to work, not because he wanted Addison but because he didn't want a divorce. He willed it to get better and much to his disdain he did cry inside and plea with himself for the pain to be over, for the hope that one day he might wake up and feel for Addison a fraction what he does Meredith.

Had he ever felt like this for Addison? Even when they were younger, even when she gave him butterflies during their first kiss or the heart ache he felt when they broke up the month leading up to prom and she accepted a proposition from Skippy Goldberg, did the pain he felt watching her dance with that geeky kid compare at all to the pain of seeing Meredith even look at another man, let alone have them touch her? Had he just simply forgot over the years about how good it felt being in love with Addison, had Meredith's love eased his memories of true affection?

Or had he simply never felt like this before?

**  
And undress me from these sweaters better hurry  
Cause I'm keeping upward bound now  
Oh maybe I'll build my house in your cloud**

His heart had been slowly breaking since he first told Meredith goodbye. He had foolishly thought one day they would become friends and that would be enough for him. He had a wife after all.  
His heart hurt more than a little today; Meredith had given him a final ultimatum. He knew if he tried to win her over he could, nobody could love him like she does and simply walk away like she claimed she was this morning, but he respected her ... he loved her enough to want to respect her desire to walk away. If he couldn't step up to the table and stop hurting her, stop hurting their relationship, he would have to force himself to make her keep her word and part ways

**Here I'm tumbling for you  
stumbling through the work that I have to do  
don't mean to harm you**

**Don't mean to harm you**

"I need a hobby" Meredith confessed at the dinner table. Izzie and Cristina glanced at her over their lunches with full mouths.

"I need something to keep my mind busy when I am not working" She explained, nibbling on a roll of bread

"Keep your hands busy you mean" Cristina smirked at her

"I need a hobby" She repeated, silently asking her friends to offer some suggestions "I am sick of sleeping with inappropriate men ... when Alex finds your sex life charming, something has to change" Izzie laughed a little harder than necessary, purely because it was Alex being mentioned in the sarcastic joke

"Ever tried knitting?" she suggested

"I don't think two pointy sticks will help me right now" Meredith retorted dryly

"Eugh Burke is giving me puppy eyes from the coffee stand ... You wouldn't believe I was the woman and he was the man is this thing" Cristina scoffed, all the while her eyes remaining perplexed on a smiling Burke

"A puppy" Meredith gasped loudly, a smile finally reaching her eyes

"That is what you took from what I said" Cristina continued to scoff "The so-called man is making me crazy"

"We should get a puppy" Meredith pleaded with Izzie; she knew she had final say anyways, it was her house but these weren't just roommates they were friends.

"We should get a puppy" Izzie agreed smiling, her eyebrows raised in joy

"George won't mind, he's George" Meredith certified before the question of George's feelings on dogs came up. Izzie nodded enthusiastically, she didn't care if George liked puppies she wanted one.

"I am going to go pack up everything" Derek said leaning against the nurse's station as Addison rested her thick designer glasses on the bottom of her nose as she read over another chart.

"Ok" Addison spoke in disbelief, she was sure this fight was going to actually develop into something serious, but here he was before her face all calm and willing to go and pack up her belongings from his ex mistresses house

"Ok" Derek nodded a lax goodbye towards her

"Do you want to talk about earlier, when I get home later?" Addison asked before he walked away. She wanted to just except he was ok but the inner sadist in her wanted to talk about their problems

"No" Derek spoke softly, he even managed to smile sleepily

"Ok" Addison remained still before him, the chart half open, her attention fully on her husband.

Derek smiled a little wider, the grin not reaching his tired eyes as much as he hoped it would, before turning and walking away, his yellow scrub cap in his hand.

Derek changed quickly and made his way to his car, the rain was beating heavy and he wasn't feeling romantic enough to embrace the beauty of it. He ran from the hospital doors with his briefcase over his head, to the side of his car, before pulling out his chunky set of keys and finding the correct one clumsily.

Opening the door, he threw in his black case and took one last look around the parking lot as he climbed in. Before he was fully in the car his eyes feel upon Meredith sitting on one of the benches along the pathway of the hospital, her thin blue scrubs drenched through and through.

He contemplated pretending to not see her there; she hadn't seen him and would never know.

He would know though

**It's hard to listen to a hard hard heart  
Beating close to mine  
Pounding up against the stone and steel****  
Walls that I won't climb**

"Meredith" he called out, now unaware of the rain he was panicking to escape seconds ago

He repeated her name several times, each one louder than the other.

It took him six yells before his voice bypassed the rain and reached her now drowned ears. Her head turned to the side following the direction of his voice.

"Come here" He asked her, his tone set like she was his patient, all filled with concern and demand

Meredith sat looking at him for a little while before she rose to her feet and began to walk in the opposite direction of him

"Meredith" He called out loudly before closing his car door and running towards her, he called her name another time before catching up with her and standing in her way

"You can't be out here in those" he pointed to her now dark scrubs, his eyes feel instinctively to her cold pert chest as she heaved and shivered.

"I am fine Derek" She told him, looking up at him through the falling droplets between them. "You need anything?" She asked him dryly

**Sometimes a hurt is so deep deep deep  
you think that you're gonna drown  
Sometimes all I can do is weep weep weep  
with all this rain falling down**

"I need you to go back inside and warm up" He instructed fighting the strong urge to rub her goose pimpled skin

"It's a little water, leave me alone" She told him, all the while confirming to him she was freezing, her small arms wrapping across her small frame and holding tightly.

"What are you doing?" Meredith asked vehemently as Derek removed his big leather jacket and continued to place it over her shoulders.

"Quit it Derek" She snapped, she pulled the jacket from her shoulders and his grasp and held it out to her side away from both of them.

"I can handle a little rain" She spoke harshly, her heart raced with painful adrenalin, there are times when her heart pounding in his presence was the best feeling in the world but now under the dark clouds and heavy rain it felt like hell "It's just water…it's not like a boy stamping all over you or anything…would be nice if you showed more concern about that" Meredith threw his coat into his arms as he remained silent.

"Can I get five minutes without you huh? I work long days, every corner I turn you're there, every time I ride the elevator you're there and I come home and you're there … can I not just sit out here alone for five minutes and get some space from you and your freaking perfect wife? Is that too much to ask for?" By now she was screaming so loud the people in billing could probably hear her.

"I'm sorry" He muttered unable to find anything better to say to her

"You're not sorry Derek; you think you're doing the right thing. You feel bad but you're not sorry…I am sorry"

Derek raised his brow confused by her last remark; Meredith licked her already wet lips and looked away from him

"I'm sorry I met you" the look on Derek's face replicated the emotions cursing through her tired drained body.

"I am going back to pack up our things" A shudder ran through Meredith has he addressed him and his wife as us, she still wasn't used to the word us not meaning him and her,

"No don't do that" Meredith lowered her defenses for a moment. "You have no home to go to, I won't be the girl too hung up on a relationship that died months ago to let you leave like that"

"The trailer is fixed" He stopped her talking, completely disregarding the comment about the relationship being dead, he hadn't know Meredith as long as he had Addison but he knew when she was feeding him crap to save herself from deeper embarrassment.

**It's hard to know when to give up the fight  
Two things you want will just never be right  
Its never rained like it has to night before  
Now I don't wanna beg you baby**

"Oh" Meredith's expression confirmed their relationship was far from dead. Taken a slow step back she created a little more distance between them. The sudden need to run was overwhelming.

As much as she hated him living in her house with his wife, she didn't want to not see him first thing in the morning, she didn't wanna not see him at all

"That's great" She smiled forcefully, the natural sparkle of her eyes replaced with dark pain

"Yeah it is" Derek played along with the charade that everything was better now he was leaving her house. "The next time you want to find somewhere to be alone, please find a empty room or something like that…pneumonia isn't the best way to hurt me back" He smiled, his eyes warm with love but deep with sorrow, a combination he had gotten used to while talking to Meredith Grey these days, Derek stepped forward and reached out his empty hand and brushed the dripping tendrils of her golden hair from her cheek.

"Stop Derek…If you care about me at all, stop being McDreamy" all the while she never moved back from his feather light touch

Derek smiled again, the McDreamy title made him blush more than he was willing to admit but he loved that a nickname created because of her had him down as dreamy

"How about I work on being McNightmare" He laughed a little at his own not very funny joke, which Meredith found funnier than the joke itself

"You already alternate between him and McDreamy, I don't like neither of those very much right now…just be Derek" She asked finally reaching up and slowly pulling his hand away from her cheek

"McAverage" he smiled, placing his arms across his rapidly freezing body, his feet rocking back and forth to create some warmth

"Yeah McAverage" She nodded with approval.

The remained quiet for a short while, enjoying each other's company even under these circumstances more than either of them would admit.

God she was freezing he thought as her lip quivered under the gushes of wind. He was almost numb himself.

"Put your jacket back on" She instructed, her eyes falling to the wet leather at his side and back to his blue orbs.

"No" He told her confidently, Meredith merely stood quiet, and Derek's confidence dissolved as he smiled softly, heartbreakingly at her

"If you're numb, I'm numb" He flapped the jacket against his wet thigh

"Both of us standing in the rain, freezing ourselves numb aint going to solve anything She tried to reason with him

"I never said it would … but I say it again … if your numb I'm numb"

The moment was perfect, they were completely lost in each other, the hospital the cars driving by; they all meant nothing because there were face to face and nothing else mattered. He wanted to reach over and kiss her; the setting would have been perfect, so perfectly romantic. He wanted to kiss her senseless and tell he was leaving his wife; he wanted to tell her that and mean it more than anything in the world. He wanted to love her. He wanted her

**Strange how hard it rains now  
Rows and rows of big dark clouds  
when I'm holding on underneath this shroud  
Rain**

"I should get back" Meredith nodded gently towards the hospital. "Goodbye" the words sounded more final then she had meant,

"See you later" He smiled, blowing upwards with his bottom lip to remove rain droplets from his upper lip the tiny bubbles of water catching on his bristled small beard.


	12. Chapter 12

Piling the last hold all into the black leather back seat of Addison's car, Derek took one last look of the newly fixed tire, kicking it lightly for good measure. No one could ever say he wasn't good with hands, his career and love life have confirmed that fact, but there was something primitively thrilling about accomplishing something as fundamentally male, such as mechanical troubles. Catching his relaxing in the rain dripped window he had to silently admit he wasn't half bad looking in his soon to be old age. He knew he was no spring chicken; his hair was graying, and not just the part on his head, his eyes had gradually developed a series of lines and creases around them. His ageing process had never really bothered him; he'd watched his wife send herself into panicked frenzy of beauty products and regimes as the decades had progressed, he had found the whole thing terribly amusing. Of course he couldn't deny Addison wasn't the young viral girl he had met in school, she definitely wasn't as flexible as she once was, but it didn't bother him, he knew the young days would end and they would inevitably become old. Neither he nor his wife was there yet by no means, but definitely on their way. He would laugh at her as she applied masks of green goo, when she would use cucumber slices for none edible purposes and run on his treadmill until she could hardly breathe, even after the kind of shifts in work that would have any regular person drop into a comatose state of sleep, He would laugh and mock and completely fail to understand her reasons for such physical torture, and her response to him was always the same. She would tell him it was different for him, he was getting hotter by the years. He would laugh back at such comments and never really think about them, until lately.

Lately he was showing his age, the long nights were evident in his complexion and heavy eyes. However Addison was possibly right, was he better looking now? Could he have swept a woman as divine as Meredith off her feet when he was a young surgeon, with big ears and his father's nose? He always knew he was fortunate to have won Addison's affections before she knew of another's love or touch. He was her first kiss and on their wedding day they swore she'd be his last. Their relationship when they were kids was never perfect, he was stubborn and quiet and she was feisty and passionate. They must have broken up a thousand times before collage even began. They broke up so much there began a formula to their days. They would fight, she would end it and leave and he would never chase her. He'd go to school and find another girl to entertain him, after a week or two they would fight again and make up, this would go on and on. It wasn't until right before prom before Addison found someone else to be with while on a break from Derek. Every break before then she had threw herself into her studies and ignored the other girls he met. She would convince herself she meant to end with him and she didn't want to make up with him, but of course she always did. But that break up before prom had ripped her heart out. She had finally told him she loved him and he freaked out so much it terrified her. He told her he wasn't ready for love, he wasn't ready to be someone she could love and he walked away. And like clockwork she went to school the following week and there he was sitting with Suzy James, almost as soon as she laid eyes on him with her, Skippy Goldberg sat beside her and rambled nervously about the upcoming prom. It wasn't till she got home the night of prom weeks later that she spoke to Derek again. He had been standing at her door watching as Skippy leant in for the goodnight kiss he expected and she avoided. He had told he loved her for the first time that night, he told her he wanted to be with her forever. Neither of them knew forever would feel so long as the years went by. He never knew how hard it was to say I love you when you meant it with every fiber of your being. He never knew his heart until Meredith

He didn't know how his life was going to be anymore. He had told Meredith he was staying with his wife. He hadn't really said the words but she knew him and his intentions all the same. All he knew was that he wasn't going to make Meredith Grey cry anymore. He wasn't going to take advantage of her warm and tender heart. He wasn't going to keep justifying breaking her heart over and over with the fantasy hope of them living happily ever after one day. She might the person his heart was designed for but it was becoming glaringly obvious that love just isn't enough. He wasn't a religious man but a small part of him believes that if he was meant to love Meredith more than from afar, fate would have intervened and prevented him marrying too young, too foolishly, too impatiently.

Driving slowly from Meredith's drive he turned the radio on and tried to take his mind away from his problems.

Oh life can be strange  
Good and bad in so many ways  
and in time you will find  
that things are not always what they seem

Could he really do this again, could he leave Meredith again? Three months ago the decision had been incredibly painful, but he knew he was doing the right thing. Meredith was just someone he met when he was running from Addison; it was a pleasant yet soul destroying accident that he fell deeply in love with her. How could he have slept at night knowing he threw away the chance of fixing his marriage on a girl he barely knew, on a love he barely had the time to explore and understand? What if he had chosen Meredith only to realize he was only feeling such intense feelings because he needed to feel something away from Addison, he needed his mind and heart to concentrate on something other than his past? What if he'd gotten divorced and learnt Meredith wasn't the one for him, their relationship wasn't worth losing his marriage. What if once he left Addison and the dust had settled, what if Meredith realized he wasn't all the effort. What if she realized he was too old for her and she left him one day.

What if leaving Addison meant he would grow old alone?

**Well I've got something to say  
but you might laugh, joke or run away  
Coz I'm awkward and nervous  
Sometimes I don't say much at all**

If he ever tried to explain these insecurities to Addison or even Meredith who knows him in a way he can't truly fathom, if he tried to explain that he was afraid too, that just because its him in the middle of two women, and its him who more than likely ends up not alone, is he not allowed to be scared of making the wrong choice, or making a choice at all. Would they understand his fears of still ending up on his own? Would they just laugh at him because in their eyes him being alone isn't an option, one of them will have him. And if not them someone else would have him.

But would they?

Was Meredith falling in love with him a gift from the gods? Would he be fortunate enough to find someone else who could love him, baggage and all? Why was he even thinking about someone else, he didn't want anyone else; he knew he wanted and he was pretty certain that his affections for her would never stray. Three months since he told her he couldn't love her, three months since he promised to try and make his marriage work, three months and the only thing that could bring a smile to his lips or a flutter to his heart was her.

**But if the rain must fall  
If I lose it all  
If the world comes down and takes my soul  
If the sky turns black  
And there's no no way back  
It won't matter much to me  
If I had you  
All I need is your love  
That's all I need  
All I need is your love**

What if his indecision and constant heart ache infliction drove both his women away? What If he lost it all? Would the memory of Meredith's love be enough to sustain him on a daily basis, could he survive without her? Was he going to survive without her?

Derek tried to shake the onslaught of questions from his heavy mind, the busy traffic and heavy rain, doing nothing to help his concentration.

How was he going to do this? He had just told Meredith it was over, god what had he done. Should he have kept his mouth shut, could he tell Addison he isn't man enough to work through their problems?

Did he even have the right to question his actions anymore?

Oh well dreams can come true  
if you know inside you really want them to or you can sit you can wait  
You can leave your fate in someone else's hands  
Oh but I, I want you  
And nothing else can make me feel the way you do  
So I'm waiting, I'm wishing  
That it's me you'll be holding tonight and every night

"Hi" He spoke softly into his cell phone as he parked the car beside his trailer, the sound of the rain crashing against the metal of his home and the car creating a dramatic soundtrack to his somber phone call.

"Hey" She returned with more zest to her voice then him, he knew she was trying to sound more ok then she really was, his ego and his common sense told him she couldn't possibly be ok

"What's up" She spoke again when he failed to speak, his heavy breaths and rain being the only sound invading her ear's

"I just wanted … I wanted to let you know I have moved everything back to the trailer" She couldn't tell from the interference of rain and wind down the line, but it sounded like he might be crying.

"Derek?" She spoke his name full of concern and uncertainty

"I just wanted you to know that" He ignored her questioning tone

But if the rain must fall  
If I lose it all  
If the world comes down and takes my soul  
If the sky turns black  
And there's no no way back  
It won't matter much to me  
If I had you  
All I need is your love  
That's all I need  
All I need is your love

"It will be ok Derek" She told him confidently, far more confidently then she truly felt it "Everything will be ok"

"You said you didn't believe that I was sorry … you're wrong about that ... you are wrong … I am, I am very sorry"

Meredith lowered to her body slowly down the supply closest wall, her free arm hugging her knees to her chest as she settled herself onto the cold grey tiles on the floor. She wanted to tell him she couldn't deal with him calling her like this. She wanted to yell at him for putting through so much pain. She wanted him to tell her he loved her and he would be with her forever.

She wanted so many things from him. But right now she needed to let it all go

"Thank you" was all she could bring her lips to murmur

"I have work Derek … I should go" She told him when yet again he failed to speak.

The dial tone drumming into her mind, travelling down and crushing her already broken heart was his only response.

"Home sweet home" Addison bellowed into the small hallway between the living area and the bedroom of his trailer, their trailer, as her husband lay slumped on the deep red rumpled sheets of their double bed, the chocolate brown throw over wrapped lazily around his jean clad legs, her tone half sarcastic, half relieved to be away from Meredith's home.

"Hi" he called out sluggishly; his t-shirt covered forearm rising in a small wave of acknowledgement as Addison leant on the kitchen counter and removed the first of her ache inducing heels.

"I am so glad to be home, you have no idea how much this bed has been calling my name all day" She exclaimed as she made her way towards the bed and snuggled up to her husband, her legs laying beside his as her chest crushed against his back.

"Hmm" was all Derek could muster in his half asleep state.

We went to bed, last night again, angry;  
It seems like lately, we been doin' that more an' more.  
I woke up still mad an' it scared me,  
When I couldn't remember what we were fightin' for.

He had spent the majority of the afternoon deliberating over his confusing and heart wrenching decisions of late, he couldn't remember when he had fallen asleep, but the sound of Addison thanking the cab driver a moment ago had woken him from yet another throat tightening, sweat inducing nightmare. He couldn't recall the nightmare only the feeling of regret and emptiness it left in its wake. He could only assume he'd spent the last four hours or so dreaming about losing Meredith.

Only a few hours without her and he missed her so much his body ached.

"Nancy called me earlier" Addison started from behind him.

"She did?" He feigned surprise

"That's what family members do when you don't return their calls, they call your wife" He could almost hear the smirk on her lips

"Ha" He retorted dryly "What did she want?"

"You know what she wants Derek; it's your mother's birthday this weekend. She doesn't want to have your mom expecting to see her only son to find –"Addison stopped abruptly, afraid to go on

"To find he's too embarrassed about his wife's infidelities to face everyone" He finished for her, the muscles in his back tensing under her hands.

"Derek" She began to plead

"If we are going to work through this Addison we have to be honest, don't we? And that is the truth"

If I quit pushin' an' you quit pullin',  
An' we stop always turnin' nothin' into somethin'.  
If we quit sayin' things that always leave a mark,  
Baby, love don't have to be so hard.

"Should I tell Nancy we won't be coming to New York?" Addison backed down immediately as she lifted her body from his and sat upright against the headboard. It amazed her how such a warm body could inflict such cold

Derek moved to the edge of the bed, untangling his legs as he went. He sat for a few moments with his back to her before he reached for his black boots and proceeded to cover his sport sock covered feet.

"I have to go" He decided flatly, Addison smiled relieved. She had been terrified of seeing Mrs. Shepard again but to practice what she preached she had to pull the band aid off sometime and sooner was better for her marriage.

"I will call her back first thing" Addison told him, automatically assuming he would want her to deal with the arrangements. Derek nodded towards her as he rose to his feet and picked up his jacket.

"I have to go … I haven't decided whether I want you there yet" He looked her square in the eye, showing her how serious and determined he was.

"But baby" She began, her body leaning forward as she started to plea

Now I know sometimes, my eyes'll look right through you,  
An' they make you feel like you ain't even there.  
When you're mad, there ain't nobody better,  
At makin' me feel like you just don't care.

"They are my family Addison, they didn't agree keep you in the family in good and bad, that mistake was my own … there will be a party and family games … I don't know if I'm ready to be that married to you again" he fixed his collar and began to button up his coat.

"Mark won't be there" She retorted boldly

"He fucked my wife. I should hope he isn't having dinner with my parents" Derek snapped before walking toward the door

"Derek … "She called out to him. "Where are you going?" She yelled emotionally

"To get my car" He shouted back as he shut the door.

Addison let out a heavy breath as she heard him treading heavily through the muddy grass. She knew that when she came out to Seattle that he wouldn't make this easy on her, nor would he be quick to forgive and forget her misdemeanor with mark. But no matter how many times his poisoned tongue mentioned her and Mark it stung like the first time, it stung like the moment he locked her out of their home, as she stood almost naked in the rain, begging him to listen to her.

No matter how much what he did hurt her, what she did to him was unforgivable. What she allowed his best friend to do to him was unforgivable and she had to bear these hard times with as much grace as possible.

**If I quit pushin' an' you quit pullin',  
An' we stop always turnin' nothin' into somethin'.  
If we quit sayin' things that always leave us scarred,  
Baby, love don't have to be;  
Love don't have to be;  
Love don't have to be so hard.  
It don't have to be so hard**.

She be damned if she picked up her life and left the one person who made her feel loved in his own dysfunctional way, to give up when the going got a little rough. Rolling into the fetal position she convinced herself Derek just needed more time to forgive her and soon she'd hear his car outside and then he would be home and in her bed, by her side.

"Rough night?" Izzie asked from the doorframe of her home. Derek looked up from his steering wheel and nodded over at the tall blonde as she sipped from a steamed mug.

Izzie slowly walked down the path and towards his car, it was only as she grew closer he noticed a second cup in her hand. He smiled warmly, thankfully at her as she reached out her arm and passed the hot mug through the half open window of his car.

"No Sugar?" She half confirmed, half asked. Derek nodded in agreeance and took a quick sip of the steaming coffee, regretting his haste when the liquid scalded the tip of his tongue.

"It's hot" Izzie warned with jest

"Thanks" He laughed a little back at her.

"I am guessing by look on your face and the mood Meredith was in when I left her at the bar that you love birds had a fight" Derek looked sharply up at her, his defenses in overdrive

"The coffee is welcome, but remember I am your boss" He warned calmly

"In scrubs and white coats you are my boss. Right now sitting outside my house for over an hour pining up at my roommate's window, you are just my friend's old boyfriend" she smiled winningly down at him, the cold breeze causing her to shiver ever so slightly

"Thank you for the coffee" he said again silently admitting she was right

"It is cold out here; Meredith definitely won't be home anytime soon, come inside and warm up" Izzie offered him; it was glaringly obvious he didn't want to go home anytime soon. "Come and keep me company, Alex was supposed to be here hours ago and if I sit on my own any longer I might need a lawyer once I get my hands on him" She smiled a little noticing the scared expression on Derek's face as she ranted about her feelings towards Alex Karev in that moment

Derek pulled the keys from the ignition and wound up his window.

"What time are you expecting Meredith home?" He tried to sound nonchalant as they entered the house and walked towards the kitchen, their almost empty mugs in hand. Izzie immediately began heating another kettle

"No offence but when you screw her up like she was tonight, she probably won't be home till the early hours of tomorrow" Izzie took the mug from his hand and swilled it under the running hot faucet

"She won't be alone either" Derek stated

"We are thinking of getting a dog" Izzie changed the subject quickly, whilst she was right before in saying outside of the hospital he wasn't her boss, she knew in the morning when she began her rounds everything they said and might say tonight would affect him as her boss

"Hmm" Derek responded, his eyes uncontrollably moving from Izzie and the hallway towards the front door.

"She won't be home for hours" Izzie read his mind as she handed him a second cup of coffee. "The tequila bottle was barely open when I left"

"Ah" he exhaled heavily,

"Any plans for the weekend?" Izzie asked, suddenly regretting inviting him in. they weren't close enough to talk about anything serious, but she was too close to Meredith to talk to him like an acquaintance, she knew too much. If he hadn't looked so helpless sitting in his car staring into space she would have left him be.

"It's my mother's birthday" He sounded relieved to have something productive to add to the conversation

"Is she travelling to Seattle" Izzie was instinctively worried for Meredith's well being

"No … I am going back home for the weekend"

"That sounds nice" Izzie spoke enthusiastically

"Knock … Knock" A male voice resounded from the doorway

"Excuse me" Izzie apologized to Derek as she set her mug down and entered the hallway

"You are over two hours late" She snapped

"Sorry babe, work ya know" Alex reassured unenthused, kissing her cheek

"I do know, I also know how to use a cell phone … I haven't had a night off in over ten days Alex, You couldn't' have used your pea sized brain to figure out how to make a phone call"

"Chill babe" He remained unenthused as she grew rapidly enraged with him

"I am going to go" Derek interrupted as he brushed past the couple

"Oh you don't have to" Izzie told him, "This vermin was leaving now anyways"

"Oh come on Iz seriously" He pleaded, a little embarrassed to have a fight with her with Derek watching.

"You need a ride?" Derek asked him sensing Izzie might require the lawyer she joked about if Derek didn't remove him from her sight.

"I am fine right here" Alex snapped at Derek as he stared intently as Izzie

"I think you should –"Derek started

"Look if want advice on how to screw up women I'll come to you" Alex quipped harshly

"Karev" Derek snapped in his boss tone

"Save it" Alex stopped him before he even began "Have you even taken the time to look at what you have done to that girl, she is at Joe's now half cut and prime meat for any sleazy guy around the pool table. You did that" Alex turned his body towards Derek.

"Alex" Izzie gripped his arm trying to pull his attention back to her

"I am not going to fight with him" He reassured her "I like my job, and kicking his ass would get me kicked off the program … I am just saying if I need advice on how to turn a strong intelligent woman into a shriveled shadow of herself, I will come to you"

"You don't know the half of it Karev" Derek yelled back, his defense completely shot to hell as Alex was completely right

"Dude the whole hospital knows the whole of it"

With that Derek walked out the front door and back into his car

"Unbelievable" Izzie sneered at Alex

"He was asking for it, he makes me almost as sick as George … Weak coward ass men"

"First you stand me up for hours and then you insult my best friend ,,, just a hunch but are you trying to piss me off" Izzie crossed her arms and glared coldly at him

"Whatever" Alex gave up and headed back toward the front door

"Seriously" Izzie yelled from the front door as he walked away from her house and down the road.

I know you got that special something, oh, baby  
I know you like to keep it hummin', oh, baby.  
'Cause girl, lovin' you is so easy.  
Oh, woh, woh. Lovin' you is so easy.  
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah,  
My, my, my, my, my, my, my, my,  
Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Come on girl, give me that good lovin', oh baby  
Come on girl, keep the motor hummin, oh, woh, baby.  
'Cause lovin' you is so easy.  
My, my, my, my  
Lovin' you is easy.  
Lovin' you is easy.

"Meredith" Derek spoke into her ear over the loud rock music coming from the jukebox

"Mmm" Meredith leant back against him swaying her hips against him on the small make-shift dance floor

"Meredith" He spoke again, growing intensely awkward and equally content as she snaked her arm around the back of his neck and pressed his stubble jaw into the curve of her slender neck

"I was just thinking about you" she confessed slurring her words as she went.

"I am surprised you had time to think in between shots of tequila" He quipped

"I am very good at multi-tasking" She claimed seductively as she pressed her firm ass further against his jean clad crotch.

"Let's get you home" Derek offered quickly, wanting nothing more than to remove her from his body before he committed a very public act of adultery

Girl, after the mornin' sunlight,  
After the band has flown away,  
Oh, we'll be thinkin' of you.  
Yes, we'll be holdin' on girl.  
Lovin' you is easy.  
Lovin' you is easy.

"She's with me" A strong voice spoke up from behind him, Derek rolled his eyes knowing what was coming next

"No she's not" Derek hissed, freeing his body from her caresses and turning to face the man behind him, Meredith continued to sway sultry to the heavy guitars

"I have bought her a dozen drinks … you are not just cutting in now she's wasted" The man threatened, with his wife and Alex and everything else in his life, the last thing he needed was a drunken idiot arguing with him

"Hit the road, you are touching her tonight …" Derek turned back to Meredith and took her hand in his, "Come on" He told her as he tried to pull her with him

"Wanna see about that buddy" The man stepped in between Meredith and Derek and pushed his large chest out toward Derek to show how much bigger he was, and boy he was bigger than Derek, even Derek had to admit

With one fast thud the man hit the floor and Derek cupped his throbbing fist gasping in pain.

"Ouch" Meredith muttered, Derek wasn't sure if she meant his hand or the man's face, either way she was too drunk for him to care either way

"Let's get out of here" He told her, holding her hand again and pulling her towards the door.

"Sorry Joe" He apologized as Joe made his way from behind the bar and to the man lying on his floor

"How did you do that" Meredith asked stunned "That was so manly" she gushed, looking at him with a heat he hadn't seen before. His hand hurt like hell but the feeling of pride Meredith was instilling in him as they walked down the dark street and to his car, was overwhelmingly immense

"It was nothing" He tried to sound as cool as possible, but with a throbbing hand it was failing miserably

Lovin' you is easy.  
Lovin' you is easy.  
Oh, I'm lovin', lovin', lovin', lovin', lovin', lovin', lovin', you  
Oh, and it's easy (easy).  
Oh, I'm lovin', lovin', lovin', lovin', lovin', lovin', lovin', you  
Oh, and it's easy (easy).

"How bad is your hand" She tried to reach for his fist

"You are in no state to look at my two million dollar a year hand" He joked, moving his hand out of her reach.

"You should go the hospital" She spoke up like she had just had a sudden brainwave.

Derek pulled his jacket from his arms and wrapped it around her shoulders; the thin fabric of her tight jumper clinging to her firm chest told him she was freezing, even if the alcohol hid it from her

"Go the hospital and let Richard know I hit someone with my two million dollar a year hands?" Meredith smiled cutely up at him as she wrapped her arm around his and pressed her head to his tense bicep

"That is a very good point" she agreed, lacing her fingers with his

"Take me home Derek" She smiled seductively as he pressed his key to remove the alarm from his car.


	13. Chapter 13

"Where are we going?" Meredith asked as Derek turned down an unfamiliar road.

"Taking the scenic route" Derek smiled over at her

"You're just avoiding going home to your wife, how are you going to explain your hand?" She playfully taunted. Her hand had instinctively, comfortably encircled his messy curls, her fingers lightly brushing the soft outer flesh of his ear. He wanted to pretend the softness of her careless touches wasn't making the hairs at the base of his neck stand on ends. He didn't have to look to know his arms were covered in tiny pleasure educing goose pimples.

**I wish I didn't love you so  
my love for you  
should have ended long ago**

"I am not avoiding going home" He smiled nervously, "I had to do what I had to do" The ego satisfying pride he thought had left on the sidewalk when he drove off was clearly still alive and kicking.

"Yeah your wife is really going to understand that you just had to beat up the guy I was going to—"

"I never beat him up" He cut in, in his safe place Meredith was never going to go home with anyone else; he didn't need her confirming otherwise

"He was still on the floor when we left" She laughed a little, her eyes glowing with wonderment at her big white knight. Her fingers moved delicately from his hair to the base of his neck, her once soft caress flowing naturally into a tender massage of the tense muscles beneath her tips, the cotton of his collar rubbing against the back of her knuckles as she continued to touch him.

His eyes caught hers as the stopped at yet another red light. No matter how he drove, little slower, a little faster he was catching ever light on his journey. He had to smile at how cheesy his mind could get, when he contemplated whether the gods wanted him to spend as much time with the girl in the seat beside him as possible. He looked intently into her warm tequila filled gaze trying to figure out whether she was consciously aware of the relaxing pleasure she was giving him. Was she intentionally seducing him, or was he simply that turned on by everything she did that his naughty mind was jumping the gun as much as he wanted to stop the car and jump her. God did he really just use the term jump; he was far too old to be using that word anymore.

After much deliberation the red turned to green and he decided that she wasn't trying to drive him crazy. She just did anyway

"What are smiling about Dr Shepard?" She broke his train of thought, her words still slurred but it only made her sound more seductive to him. He knew in this moment exactly why in his drunken stupor all those months ago he had pushed all reason out of the window and went home with Meredith Grey for the first time.

Life was so much simpler back then. He couldn't understand why or how it was simpler because he had just left his hometown, he had left all his family and friends, and he had just learnt about his wife sleeping with his best friend. But being in a new city, having a career opportunity that would eventually make him the chief of surgery at Seattle Grace Hospital, and then there was her, this bundle of excitable stubbornness that kept him awake at night thinking about her and occupied in work thinking of ways to be around her as much as possible, if it was possible he missed the way she made him feel more then he missed her. And he missed her more then he could comprehend.

How could have hurt the person that made him feel that alive. How could he have thought he was the better man by breaking her heart? What the hell was wrong with him?

Why even though he knew he was making the wrong decisions, even now. Why could he still not leave Addison?

"_I wish I didn't need your kiss  
why must your kiss  
Torture me as long as this_"

Meredith sung along with the somber melody coming from his car radio. Her sweet voice turning the tortured poignant feel of the song into an adorable hidden kinda pain rhythm of cuteness

"You're so drunk" He smiled,

"Wow you're so intuitive, no wonder you have a PHD" Her eyes widened mockingly as she pinched the tip of her tongue between her teeth and smiled mischievously

"Ha Ha" He scoffed teasingly "but seriously you really drunk" his tone removing the playfulness from the moment. As much as he found her drunken ways completely adorable, it was killing him inside knowing he was the reason behind the tequila.

**I might be smiling by now  
with some new tender friend  
smiling by now**

"Two for one deal at Joes ... I couldn't offend him by not drinking as much as possible ... besides, did you see that guy you hit. I was going to need all the tequila I could get if I wanted to enjoy the rest of the night...if you know what I mean" She winked playfully at him, the look in her eye telling him she was drunk enough to regret every word out of her mouth in the mouth.

"Sorry Derek, but you have a wife and you have sex with your wife... Don't look at me like I ran over your puppy, I have needs too" Her voice always raised a few octaves after tequila or ten. Derek had always found it to be one of her many adorable qualities. He knew behind the bright eyes and wide smile she was flashing his way, lay a heartbroken insecure girl, with enough emotional issues to run him under the table. Yet here he was the picture of misery, eyes sunken and lips firm, and she was smiling, heartbroken and smiling. He didn't know whether he admired that quality or found it a little insulting that she presumed he wouldn't know the smile was only skin deep . But of course if she knew he knew how much pain she was going through, would she hate him for hurting her with such open eyes. Did she sleep better at night thinking he didn't know what he inflicted?

**With my heart on the mend  
But when I try  
something in my heart says no**

"You have needs" He repeated and mocked with more venom than he intended, any other response he was sure would result in his kicking him out of the moving vehicle ,

"I won't feel bad about moving on anymore Derek" her words holding more meaning then the tone at which she spoke, the heightened alcohol tinted tone of her voice making light of her responses.

"You have needs and you are moving on" He quipped, his eyes remaining on the road as her burned into the side of his dark features

"You won't leave her Derek; you don't get to act like a child about this and you don't get to act like you're a good guy, because last I checked infidelity is definitely on the bad guy side on the list of things married men should and shouldn't do" Meredith turned her eyes to the dark near empty road and folded her arms across her slightly heaving chest

"Mer—"

"No you also don't get to pretend that what did isn't cheating because what? ... Just because you say you care about me?" Meredith pre-empted his response more accurately then he could have predicted

"It was a mistake" he spoke without thinking clearly, he hadn't meant she was a mistake, just that he had cheated on his wife at all

"So was your wife and your best friend ... I don't see you forgiving her so easy" Meredith snapped

Derek pulled the car off to the side of the road and switched of the engine for fear of crashing with his mind pre occupied.

"I am still with her, I am trying" Derek yelled as he opened his door and stepped out onto the green land beside the derelict road

"Kissing me isn't trying Derek" Meredith yelled back as he shut his door and waited for her to join him outside,

**Even through the darkest phase  
be it thick or thin  
Always someone marches brave  
here beneath my skin**

"If you had intentions of leaving your wife after we kissed, then maybe, just maybe you could have still been the good guy. But you never ... You kissed me and you made promises to me. And then you stayed with her" Meredith was now standing on the opposite side of his car, her small frame fighting against the heavy gale to remain where she stood.

"Ok you win I am a bad guy" He resolved bitterly, his eyes conveying more sadness then his harsh tone was portraying, "My world was turned on its head when she slept with Mark" His ex best friends name searing of his tongue with as much rancour as he could muster "I wasn't in love with her anymore, but it couldn't have eat at me more if I was" Meredith was spellbound by his words.

He wasn't in love with Addison,

**Constant craving  
has always been**

"I am not excusing what you and I did Meredith, it was my fault, I know that it was my fault" Derek walked around his car, his fingers running along the cold metal of his bonnet as he went, until he stood beside her. Their bodies a foot apart, they remained still.

Derek removed his wedding ring and held it before them.

"This ... this piece of gold is the reason I am not with you, it's not Addison, I bought two rings and I read my vows and I placed the ring on her finger and I let her place this one on mine. I am not choosing Addison over you. She is just the woman wearing the other ring ... I am not trying to say that what I did was not cheating ... I am not going to pretend I do not want you. I do" Derek took her cold hand in his, his firm hands cocooning her nimble fingers, the circle imprint of the ring pressed into her skin.

"And I am not going to tell you I regret kissing you. It was in the eyes of my marriage a mistake, it was infidelity but I don't feel bad about that, because I love you" Meredith's eyes filled with warm tears as Derek continued to break and fill her heart all at the same time

"I love you and sometimes that ... that means more than the ring"

He knew he was a fool for telling her under no uncertain terms how he felt about her but he knew it was getting to the point now where he was either going to have leave Seattle with Addison or something had to give.

She had heard him tell her how he felt in a hundred different ways but never had he whispered those words and that meaning before. Never had she heard I love you fall from his lips. Never had she wanted to kiss him more.

**Maybe a great magnet pulls  
all souls towards truth  
or maybe it is life itself  
that feeds wisdom  
to its youth**

Meredith took the ring from his hand and snaked her hand around him and into his back pocket, deliberately cupping him as she placed the ring at the bottom

"Forget the ring" She smiled seductively, licking her wind chapped lips

Taking one step forward, Meredith lifted on to her toes as her chest pressed lightly to his and moved further up his torso, her hands now free from his landed softly on his collar bone and over his shoulders. Derek's heart pounded against her ribs, his throat pulsating under her fingers. He knew she was about to kiss him, he could see the dark ocean of desire swirling in her baby blues. Her breathe was hot and long against his skin as she slowly and surely guided her wanting mouth to his.

The abrupt scent of tequila invaded his senses as her top lip tangibly brushed the rough pad of his bottom one. He always assumed the first time he told he loved her would end with her lips crushing his in a mind-blowing kiss. He never anticipated that she would be completely intoxicated

"Meredith" He whispered labouredly, his hands now circling her tiny wrists and stepping back from her. "We shouldn't" His eyes locked with the wool of her jumper as he broke her heart again

**Constant craving  
has always been**

"But you said—"Meredith stood dumbfounded. She knew he wasn't leaving his wife but how could he say he loved her and not want to kiss her, her lips ached for the relief only he could bring

"I know ... but if you sober you wouldn't be kissing me right now" he smiled sadly "You'd be kicking my ass" he told her firmly, his fingers lacing through his curls in frustration

"I probably would" She returned his sad smile and giggled a little to herself, making his heart pang

"You love me" She teased, her smile now wide and playful,

"Shut up" He blushed like a school boy standing before his valentine

"You said you love me" She poked his chest softly, Derek rocked a little on the spot as her finger pressed into his chest, it would be so easy to pull her to his car and rip her clothes off. Even if she was sober he knew on any given day at any given moment he could make love to her. It wasn't that she was promiscuous or stupid but the chemistry between them was intoxicating. The physical yearning to touch her skin, to feel her hands and lips all over him was as over powering for her as it was him.

**Craving  
Ah ha  
Constant craving  
has always been**

The hardest part about his relationship with Meredith was the feeling was mutual, everything emotion was connected.

They were one

"Get in the car oh drunken one" he opened her door and tried to help her inside, her hands swatted his help away just as he predicted she would. Even drunk she was completely stubborn.

"What no man of the night?" Izzie joked from the hallway as Meredith climbed the stairs to her bedroom. Meredith turned around startled at Izzie's presence

**You love me especially different every time  
You keep me on my feet happily excited  
By your cologne, your hands, your smile, your intelligence  
You woo me, you court me, you tease me, you please me  
You school me, give me some things to think about  
Ignite me, you invite me, you co-write me, you love me, you like me  
You incite me to chorus, ooh  
Ooh...**

"You're up late" Meredith stated, rubbing her tired eyes

"You're home early" Izzie retorted looking at her watch again to confirm that Meredith was in fact home hours before she had anticipated, it was a good job Derek had left when he did.

"Derek loves me" Meredith announced giddily, her eye brows rising in joy. "He told me--" Meredith walked back down the steps until she was perfectly aligned with Izzie who stood at the foot of the stairs. "Tonight" Meredith finished her drawn out statement

"Jeez Mer, you really did finish off that bottle didn't you" Izzie waved her hand over her face in an attempt to block out the smell wafting from her housemate

"Did you hear me?" Meredith spoke again, ignoring Izzie's distress and dire need for fresh air. "Derek, MyDreamy loves me" She shrieked happily

"McDreamy" Izzie correct

"What" Meredith crossed her brows confused

"You said My Dreamy" Izzie confirmed

**You're different and special  
You're different and special in every way imaginable  
You love me from my hair follicles to my toenails  
You got me feeling like the breeze, easy and free and lovely and new  
Oh when you touch me I just can't control it  
When you touch me, I just can't hold it  
The emotion inside of me, I can feel it**

"No I never" Meredith tried to rethink the last few moments but nothing was coming to her, she had definitely called him McDreamy

"When did he say that" Izzie asked completely annoyed with Derek because she knew in the morning when Meredith woke up her elevated mood would be something very different

"Tonight, he drove me home"

"Did he" Izzie couldn't control the patronising tone she always had when Meredith waltzed in the house drunk

Izzie stepped onto the stairs and turned Meredith with her and guided her up to her room.

**You love me especially different every time  
You keep me on my feet happily excited  
By your cologne, your hands, your smile, your intelligence  
You woo me, you court me, you tease me, you please me  
You school me, give me things to think about  
Invite me, you ignite me, co-write me, you love me, you like me  
Incite me to chorus**

"Night" Meredith smiled at Izzie as she shut her door. Izzie rolled her eyes the moment Meredith was out of sight. She was going to kill Derek if he told her he loved her and he was still staying with Addison.

Derek removed his shoes and pants and climbed into his bed, Addison was already asleep and facing away from him so he had enough room to lie on his back and stare at his ceiling. How was he going to face Meredith at work in the morning? He had let his emotions get the best of him and he had done exactly what he was trying not to do anymore. He had hurt her.

His loving her could no nothing but hurt her.

Before long his eyes grew heavy and his mind finally shut off as he drifted into un-peaceful sleep.

"Morning " Addison spoke as he opened his eyes, the sun light stinging them as he sat upright and tried to regain consciousnesses.

"Morning" He finally replied, his voice croaking

"I have to call Nancy today Derek" He shook his head to himself; she couldn't go five minutes before mentioning his Mother's birthday. He hadn't even had his morning pee yet

"I can call my own sister" He told her as he climbed from the bed and padded along to the small bathroom

"But you won't and she will call me" Addison stood at the door frame staring at his back as he stood over the toilet "Just let me handle this for you" she asked

"Fine" He snapped half awake over his shoulder "Tell her I am coming alone"

His words sent knives into her already shattering heart but she kept her smile and turned away from the bathroom and walked into the bedroom, collecting laundry to keep her busy

"Ok" She replied calmly.

_Clang_

Her eyes darted towards the sound as she lifted Derek's dirty pants into her arms. Unable to see anything she dropped to her knees and scanned under the bed. Her heart sank lower as there beneath their marital bed was his wedding ring. Taking the ring she placed it in her pocket and took her cell phone outside as Derek started his morning shower.

**Since you've been gone  
All that's left is a band of gold  
All that's left of the dream I hold  
Is a band of gold  
And the dream of what love could be  
If you are still here with me**

"Nancy good morning" She spoke down the phone, "Derek asked me to call to confirm that we will be in New York Friday evening" Addison took the ring from her pocket and held it up in disbelief. She knew she hadn't won him over yet but to take off his ring. She knew it was ending but she wasn't ready to give him up, not yet. Not while she still loved him. She was going to go with him to New York and show him that his family and friends respect him for making his marriage work; she would make him see he made the right decision choosing her.

"Great see you then" She hung up the phone and placed the ring back in her pocket.

**I wait in the darkness of my lonely room  
Filled with sadness, filled with gloom  
hoping soon that you'll walk  
back through that door  
and love me like you tried before**

"How's your head" Izzie whispered pouring Meredith a cup of coffee

"Sore" Meredith responded with one word "thanks" She smiled painfully at Izzie as she took her cup

"Why aren't you feeling like me" Meredith asked in disbelief, it was Izzie's turn to be confused "We were shooting them back big time last night" Meredith continued

"Yeah and then I left at like nine" Izzie finished

"You did" Meredith inquired hesitantly

"You don't remember" Izzie stood wide eyed and jaw slacked

Meredith scanned her brain for memories of the night before, drawing up complete blanks

"I remember you and I drinking and oooooh I don't remember anything else" Izzie took a big gulp of her coffee, should she tell Meredith what Meredith told her about the night before or was there a reason she didn't remember and should she leave it that way.

"Who I was with when you left?" Meredith pulled her from her thoughts

"Joe" Izzie spoke fast "I left you with Joe and the rest of the bottle of tequila"

"Did I come home alone? " Meredith continued to ask questions "There's no boy in my bed" She leant in and whispered in case there was a boy lurking in the living room or something, she immediately assumed there would be a boy involved with that much tequila

"Nope ... You came home alone ... all alone and you went straight to bed ... we didn't even talk at all when you got home ... you just went to bed" Izzie rambled on and on

**I was too drunk to remember  
I was too blind to see  
I had a helluva time  
But it just slipped my mind  
At least I got home in one piece**

Now she just hoped Derek would keep his big mouth shut before she saw him


	14. Chapter 14

Derek's body urged him to remain in the shower another ten minutes, just ten minutes more. Ten more minutes without his wife nagging him, it would take ten minutes longer to get into work, giving him ten more minutes without running into Meredith, he didn't know how he was going to explain what he had said last night. Why on earth had his vocal cords ignored his rational mind and listened solely to his confused naive Meredith filled heart.

"You nearly finished babe?" god she couldn't even let him shower in peace.

Damn he cursed himself for cursing her. She wasn't the one who had told someone else she loved them, and it wasn't her kissing someone else every chance she got. Yes she had cheated on him and with his best friend but she was trying to repent for her sins, she regretted her sins.

Did he?

He wished he did, it would mean there was possibly still a decent man somewhere deep down inside of his aging, tired body. He couldn't understand how he had gone from feeling so full of life and ready for everything it shot at him, to three months down the line feeling ready for his retirement home and war books.

Wiping the steam from the mirror above the small white basin with his still dripping hand he glanced at his reflection, the dark circles under his heavy eyes reflecting his most inner emotions as accurately as possible.

"Derek?" Addison called into him again as she finished touching up her lipstick using a hand held vanity mirror, she had spent the last five minutes debating putting the ring back in his pocket and leaving them where he left them, but then he would have known something was wrong because she always cleaned up everywhere before they left work work, she thought it made the trailer seem smaller then it was and it was always nicer to come home to a clean home. She then thought about placing it under the bed where it had originally fallen and letting him look for it. A couple more ideas ran through her mind before she realized how pathetic she sounded, here she was trying to cover up the fact she knows her husband doesn't want her anymore. Trying to ignore the many painful visions she has running through her mind of Derek removing the ring before he see's Meredith and them doing all the things he caught her doing with Mark.

This is had to be the most confusing situation to be in; here she was hurting beyond all belief because Derek is clearly in love with Meredith. Her husband loves another woman. This is usually the kind of situation that involves lots of tears and possibly lots of drinking but one thing it definitely involves is the love and support of people around her. She loved Derek now as she always had, that was something even Mark couldn't remove. She loved him as deeply as the day she said I do, therefore his affections for another woman hurt her like any other wife would hurt. But the kicker, the real bitch of it all was, she had hurt him first which completely destroyed any sympathy she should have expected if things were different, even the sympathy she should naturally experience for herself. Every time her eyes welled at the thought of Meredith with her man, a strong blow in the pit of her stomach told her she had no right to cry. She deserved this

Didn't she?

She deserved him hurting her this way. This was karma. Karma actually existed. What hurt was most was, if she was crying herself to sleep alone at night because her husband was blatantly falling in love with another woman, if that was her karma ... why didn't Derek lose a moments sleep all those months she very blatantly fell in love with someone else too?

Why did it take seeing her in bed with Mark? Why did he only react once his pride was blown?

Was this really fair? Surely if Karma meant you get what you give, why wasn't she now blissfully content with her failing marriage for a few months, even for a few years, why wasn't she able to go to work and life her life like everything is fine, why couldn't she blindly walk in on him with Meredith just once and have it just be that. Why was she feeling so much pain? Why was she letting herself feel so much pain, the marriage vows weren't what held her to this situation. She loved him; she loved him enough to feel like this every day

Why couldn't she love herself enough to let him go?

"Ready?" Derek asked and stated as he fixed the collar of his white shirt clumsily over his black jumper, he made sure to keep his right hand hidden in his pocket, he didn't have the energy or desire to fight with her over his bruised knuckles. Addison's eyes darted painfully from his just shaven face to the third finger of his left hand, the indent of where his ring should be evident at its base. Even if he didn't miss the thing that told the world he belonged to her, surely his finger would miss the gold it is used to having surround it

**Too many shadows in my room  
too many hours in this midnight  
too many corners in my mind**

She hadn't had time to figure out how she was going to approach this with him, but it had been over thirty minutes since he woke up, he had shaven and showered and he still hadn't noticed it was missing. Or had he?

"Missing this?" Addison pulled the ring from the tight confines of her navy skirt pocket. She held it between her thumb and index finger, the sunlight beaming from its spherical form and into his stunned eyes. Her lips closed firmly, the rage she had suppressed while she basked in the heartache rapidly racing to the surface and gleaming from her tight expression

"I—"He began, his mouth suddenly dryer then a desert

"What was I thinking" She scoffed with a sardonic smile "of course you don't miss it ... You can't miss something you don't want" Addison threw the ring into his chest and they both stood in silence as it clanged onto the tiled floor

"I have to get to work" Derek announced, completely pushing aside the argument he knew they had to have. Turning from her he picked up his briefcase and walked towards the door.

He knew if he stayed right now he could end his marriage, and the biggest part of him signed with relief and even joy at the prospect of being free of this misery. No matter matter how big that part of him was it wasn't nowhere near as fearsome as the part of him that told him he was making the biggest mistake of his life; he wasn't this weak; he wasn't the kind of man to walk away from his vows because his heart is temporarily infatuated with Meredith. He loved the woman standing behind him at one point, this wasn't beyond repair.

**So much to do to set my heart right  
Oh it's taking so long I could be wrong, I could be ready  
Oh but if I take my heart's advice**

**I should assume it's still unsteady **

**I am in repair, I am in repair**

"You can't just walk away all the time Derek" Addison finally spoke, after he had stood staring at the door for short while. "We have to deal with this" She declared emotionally

"I have to deal with it" He snapped, shutting her up quickly. "I am the one dealing with my wife's infidelities" His voice was harsh and bitter and as he turned she saw his eyes reflected the same

"I am dealing with yours too" Addison startled and confused him. A rush of regret ran through him for the first time as he realized she may know about what had happened with Meredith this week, and yet he still couldn't help himself for sounding completely stupid and saying

"What?"

"You told me you loved her Derek, you ... you told me you fell in love with her" Addison sighed

"That was different ... you had just slept with Mark, I never thought we would try again" Derek rolled his eyes as he reasoned, his ring free hand released his case and it hit the floor with a thud as he ran his hand through his still shower damped hair, the frustration cursing through him.

"You're still in love with her" Addison proclaimed loudly, her arms flaying with dramatic expression before they rested heavily on her hips, Derek fought with a thousand different comebacks, all of which would either cost him his marriage or what was left of his integrity

**Stood on the corner for a while  
to wait for the wind to blow down on me   
hoping it takes with it my old ways  
and brings some brand new luck upon me**

"Just because you don't tell me you are doesn't mean it's not glaringly obvious" Derek lowered his gaze from her unable to respond "I know you are in love with her, but I am dealing with that" She emphasized the word dealing as she tried to regain his eye contact

"I am waiting for you Derek" she finally finished when he looked up at her

"I am late" He mumbled as he picked up his case again

"Derek your ring" Addison stopped him leaving again, this time he never turned to face her, his head simply tilted towards her

"Are you going to pick it up?" She asked, the words drenched in double entendre

**Oh it's taking so long I could be wrong, I could be ready  
Oh but if I take my heart's advice  
I should assume it's still unsteady  
I am in repair, I am in repair**

Derek turned and reached his hand out to her, palm flat and expecting.

"You want me to pick it up?" She stared cross-browed at him

"You dropped it" He stated flatly

"I threw it at you ... you didn't catch it" They somehow felt more comfortable fighting about them without fighting about them

"You dropped it" He repeated before he walked out and leaving her looking from the half closed door to the wedding ring yet again on the floor.

"My head hurts" Meredith rhythmically massaged her temples, her knees bent to her chest as she sat upon an unused hospital bed in the desolate hallway.

"How are you even able to experience hangovers anymore?" Cristina quizzed her in feigned astonishment, her head never leaving the text book set between her crossed legs. "You immune system has had enough practice fighting them off"

"Your voice is hurting my sore head" Meredith whined

"I am sorry, should I breathe quieter too?"

"That would be nice" Meredith responded as though Cristina had been serious on any level

"Stop whining ... if you don't like the sore sore head, avoid the bad bad beer" Cristina mocked her friend but still shot her sporadic concerned glances unbeknownst to Meredith

"Did you remember yet?" Izzie asked at a volume higher then Meredith could handle.

"Ah" Meredith whined more, sending Izzie a seething look as she approach the two interns and stood between them arms folded holding the chart in her hands to her chest

"Not that there's anything to remember, I am just wondering if you remember whatever it was that happened last night, that I know nothing about" Izzie finally took a breath as her friends stared intently at her, Meredith even stilled her massaging motion

"Geez what kind of coffee bean did you ride to work on today" Cristina quipped in Izzie's direction

"I am just a concerned friend" Izzie back tracked "Meredith can't remember a whole 4 hours of her life, four hours just gone like that... I am concerned"

"You don't remember" Cristina turned her attention from Izzie to her best friend, her person, her very head sore whiny person.

"It's only four hours" Meredith was compelled to defend her actions "I probably just drank at Joe's until he called me a cab and I came home"

"You don't remember?" Cristina repeated with more exasperation

"No" Meredith bleated burying her head back into her knees

"Boy your head must hurt" Cristina half laughed, she also took a quick once over glance at Meredith to ensure she wasn't injured during her missing four hours, this concern Meredith was bringing out in her was terribly concerning

"I need to talk to you ... Now" Izzie mouthed dramatically and silently pointing to Cristina while Meredith's face was in her knees.

"I have a patient" Cristina lied to Meredith as she collected her books and charts and rose to her feet

"Eh" Meredith muttered and waved laxly as both Izzie and Cristina walked down the hallway and back into the hustle and bustle of the hospital

How could four hours be gone just like that? She really needed to cut back on the drinking. The burning at the back of her throat told her she definitely threw up at some point last night. She had always been able to drink her friends under the table even the male ones...even the Irish ones. What was so different about last night that she forgot it? She had read somewhere that memory loss, blackouts after alcohol or anything was usually the minds defence mechanism, preventing us from remembering something we simply couldn't deal with. But after everything she had been through these last few months, there was nothing that could happen to her that she would need to prevent remembering.

Or was there?

"This better be good" Cristina warned as Izzie directed her into an empty on call room "I was studying"

"McDreamy told her he loved her" Izzie blurted out like the fool who couldn't keep the surprise party under wraps

"What?" Cristina stood confused

"Last night, he was at the house and he left and hours later Meredith stumbles in blissful because he told her he loved her"

"Firstly, Izzie breathe ... secondly... Are you kidding me?"

"Yeah I know ... this morning she woke up and didn't remember and I didn't know what to do, I don't know if he's left Addison or if he was just a complete ass"

"McAsshole" Cristina couldn't resist creating yet another Mc name

"Did I do the right thing not reminding her ... I mean, there has to be a reason she doesn't remember right?" Izzie looked to Cristina for reassurance she had done the right thing,

"Yeah no don't tell her anything. We need to find out from him what happened before we tell her anything" Izzie nodded in agreeance

"He really told her he loved her, now after everything?" Cristina was still amazed

"That's what she said ... she was ecstatic" Izzie described, she was sad for Meredith, she had never seen Meredith that happy, even when she was with Derek months ago, she wasn't that happy.

"She was drunk" Cristina read her mind, "let operation find McAsshole commence" she explained as they left the room.

"You check the 3rd floor and I'll sweep this one" She directed Izzie

"Too late" Izzie cut in glancing down the hallway as Derek turned into the hallway they had left Meredith whining in

**I'm gonna drive on out to the river tonight  
Find a quiet spot, turn on my parking lights  
I'm gonna drink some beers, try to catch a buzz  
Turn my radio up and forget about us**

"Morning" he offered quietly as he approached her. He had dreaded seeing her all morning but as he left the MRI room a moment before his legs guided him to where he predicted she might be. He tried to ignore the fact he had stared at the elevators for a good ten minutes hoping she would appear as the door opened time and time again.

"Hey" She smiled weakly up at him before continuing to massage her temples

"How are you feeling?" he asked afraid of the answer, but she hadn't hit him yet so things were looking ok

"Bailey is going to kill me. I am supposed to be studying for a patient I have but every time I look at the text the words jumble together and my head hurts" she silenced as Derek placed a warm hand on the crown of her bent head and rubbed affectionately, compassionately.

"Take some aspirin ... for your head" he suggested, his bedside manor making her a little weak in her already tired knees

"I already took my limit" She smiled again at him as his hand dropped from her head to her cheek, his index finger curled and stroked from her temple to the centre of her chin

**I know it won't be easy but I've got a plan  
to just let my memory let go of your hand  
I'm gonna miss your touch  
But I know I must forget about us**

"It'll get easier" he assured confidently, the sparkle in his eyes and the tenderness of his smile making her feel better then she had all day.

"You promise?" She half joked with him, their eyes connecting in a way neither of them could explain, Meredith had simply learnt to call it their look

"I promise" He spoke softly, as thought he was in her mind and knew just how low his voice had to be to not hurt her

He wanted to ask her if she was dealing with his declaration ok, he wanted to know why she wasn't mad at him now. After all she wasn't drunk anymore. But to ask her how she felt could open the floodgate of emotions he had been trying to bury for months now. It was easier and better for them both if they pretended everything was ok.

"I drank a little too much last night" She explained sorrowfully, the croak in her voice making her cuter if he thought that was possible

"Yes" He stated still smiling at how adorable she looked all broken and weary

"Is your hand ok?" Meredith nodded towards the purple marks around his two biggest knuckles.

"Its fine" Derek emphasized his fineness by stretching and clenching the sore hand.

"How did you—"Meredith began

_Beep Beep _

"Sorry" Derek pulled his blackberry from his white coat and proceeded to open his message

**I'm gonna lay me down on the hood of this car  
Make another wish upon a falling star  
I'm gonna think again about the way it was  
I'm gonna close my eyes and forget about us**

"Dammit" he cursed at the screen. "I have to—"He started

"It's ok" Meredith told him before he could finish the sentence he wasn't sure how he was going to finish.

"I'll see you later" He forced a smile in her direction and headed towards the doorway where Izzie and Cristina had been hiding away from earshot but close enough to make sure Meredith was ok.

**And when the morning sun burns across my face  
I'll put my shirt back on, get up and walk away  
I'm gonna climb my frame onto a Greyhound bus  
Take a little blue pill and forget about us**

"Ladies" He smiled as he passed them, his mind so completely taken with his message, he didn't realize they had been watching him this whole time.

"You look more awake" Cristina sat beside Meredith again as Izzie ran to answer a page.

"I think the pain killers are finally doing their job" Meredith smiled

"What did McMarried want?" Cristina didn't want to hurt her, but she needed to know what Derek had said or if his presence had triggered her memory and if he hadn't triggered it, she needed Meredith to remember he was married in case her subconscious remembered what he said and that was the reason for the silly grin on her face since he walked away

"He was just being my friend" Meredith lied believably, or at least if it would have been believable if it was Cristina she was talking to

"Your friend" Cristina couldn't hide the sarcasm in her voice

"Not now Cristina, my head hurts as it is" Meredith pleaded

"He's married Mer" Cristina reminded her "It doesn't matter how many McDreamy moments he shares with you, it doesn't matter what he says to you ... He's married" Cristina felt a mother chastising her young daughter for seeing the bad boy next door, while she constantly reassured herself she was being the best friend by hurting her

"That's why he wasn't wearing his ring" Meredith grinned like a Cheshire cat before picking herself up of the bed and jumping to the floor with a spring to her step.

"So that's it, if he's left Addison you are just going to take him back?" Cristina understood Meredith but she simply couldn't help feeling disappointed in her for reacting this way

"No" Meredith's response shocked her "I wouldn't take him back" Meredith lied poorly "and he hasn't even told me he's leaving her, but he's not wearing his ring and that feels selfishly kinda good"

"You told Nancy you were coming too?" Derek hissed at Addison in the corner of the NICU

**Won't you talk to me  
This is so out of hand  
Out of hand  
Something's gone wrong  
With the life that we planned**

"I didn't think you were serious about me not coming" Addison feigned innocence

"I was serious, you are not coming" He demanded coldly

"Your parents are going to expect me there Derek. I am there every year, for every occasion, you are being irrational" She touched his arm and he flinched from her

"I don't want to have to deal with my marriage in front of my family, can you not understand that?" He tried to keep his voice low for the babies but his rage was overwhelming

**Won't you look at me  
you're avoiding my gaze  
and it seems like you've changed  
in so many ways**

"We won't get past this if we hide away from everyone Derek ... Seattle is a nice escape I understand that, but at some point we are going have to go home, even if it s just for your Mom's birthday" Addison tried to reason with her over-reacting husband

"You have no respect for me do you?" He snapped at her, "I can't even trust you to pass along a message to my sister"

"I am trying to save our marriage Derek; I think New York for the weekend will help us"

"If you are so hell bent on going back to New York Addison, just go. Tell my mother I said Happy Birthday" He turned his back to her and walked away

"Derek" She gasped quietly

"I am not going" He made his point clear as she chased him into the hall, Addison took his hand and he felt his ring press into his palm as her eyes pleaded with him to calm down

"I have told Nancy we are going" Addison tried any lame excuse to change his mind

**I don't need no apologies  
I'm not looking for no sympathy  
all I'm asking for  
is for your honesty  
Won't you give it to me  
Give it to me now**

"Call her back and reserve one seat for you. If you are so certain New York will save our marriage, if you so certain you know how to save our marriage, you have all the answers, you can do it without me" Derek placed the ring in his white coat pocket eliciting a gasp of heartbreak from his wife

With that Derek stepped into the elevator and waited for it to close, his eyes never leaving his wife, expressing just how serious he was.


	15. Chapter 15

"Hi" Derek signed heavily as the elevator doors slowly slid open to reveal a less groggy Meredith. The warm affectionate smile she sent his way as she stepped beside him melted the ice that had been fiercely forming around his heart as he counted down the numbers above the doors 6, 5, 4, 3, 2. He had meant to leave the elevator on the third floor but the onslaught of angered, painful thoughts racing through his mind since his encounter with Addison moments ago had prevented him from pressing the correct button. But now as Meredith stood beside him and her sweet perfume invaded his senses he wondered whether he had meant to stop on this floor for her.

**I let myself fall  
I let myself fall**

**I let myself fall  
in love with you**

"Is your head feeling better?" He forced himself to create a conversation with her, anything to keep the emotions cursing through him at bay, anything to stop him overreacting and rashly ending his marriage. He was certain one more fight with Addison would result in him using the only word in his mind.

Divorce

"I am fine, my head is fine. Thank you" Meredith assured him with slow precision, he loved the way she could make one sentence last several moments, her sweet voice taking small deliberate pauses in between each word, he'd never listened to anyone with such intensity, until her; she was utterly fascinating. She was everything his wife wasn't, she was determined without being cold; she loved without making him feel suffocated. She was Meredith and he was so glaringly still in love with her

**There's no turning back  
There's no turning back  
There's no turning back  
since I let myself fall in love with you**

No matter how she wrestled with herself Meredith couldn't prevent her greedy eyes from feasting on the sight to her left. She told herself over and over to pull her eyes to something less dangerous but she couldn't help it, she couldn't help herself, the view was too perfect. It was something she had taken for granted the three months they were together. It was something she wished more than anything she had treasured, kissed, caressed, adored.

There beside her was Derek's left hand, Derek's bare hand. It was a vision of everything she has dreamt of for months, night after night, hour after hour

**Now I picture things  
now I picture things  
Wedding gowns and wedding rings  
since I let myself fall in love with you**

"Your head looks –"Derek lowered his warm eyes to her small face taking in her beauty the way he always did, mostly secretly while she absorbed the contents of a patients file at the nurses desk, or when she scrubbed in on another attending's surgery, he loved those times in particular because he was sit in the galley with a chart in his hands for cover and simply watch her all he wanted. Watch her without judgement from his peers, judgement from his wife and mainly judgement from her. He knew he had no right to look at her with such longing anymore; he'd cashed in all his looking lovingly cards when he shattered her heart and their relationship into pieces three months ago.

"Fine" He finished tenderly, licking the dryness from his lips as he breathed a little heavier beside her.

He was half expecting her to yell cutely at him for being McDreamy in and elevator again but now standing next to her as the elevator moved at a snail's pace, he pushed aside any of the thoughts that would have possibly prevented him from adoring her from afar. She hadn't stopped smiling the entire journey from the second floor to the seventh. Infectious, she was downright infectious.

Meredith released a small nervous giggle as her eyes looked with his.

_Ding _

"See ya" Derek muttered as he fled through the doors, pushing between the thirty something couple as they entered where he left.

"My head looks fine" She repeated as the door shut, her over analytical mind running a fine tooth comb over his words. She grew more confused as she glanced at the buttons and saw number three highlighted as the new passengers pressed for the fourteenth floor. Why did he press number three after we passed it, only to get out at six?

"Stop it "Cristina slammed her hand on the chart Meredith was holding. Pulling her from yet another series of confusing thoughts about her relationship with Derek, or lack thereof

**You left me hanging from a thread **

**We once were from together**

**I lick my wounds but I can**

**Never see them getting better**

**Something's gotta change**

**Things cannot stay the same**

"I was not thinking about . . . What you think I was thinking about" Meredith finished as her eyes scanned the dinner table, consisting of all of her friends.

"That thing you weren't thinking about . . . Stop thinking about it" Izzie chimed in, after last night's events she felt more connected to the Meredith and Derek saga, thus able to throw her opinions on the table as and when she felt like.

"Stop thinking about my surgery this afternoon . . . do you want me to kill my patient?" Meredith snapped back, making sure she caught the eyes of both Izzie and Cristina

"You were thinking about a surgery?" Cristina spoke with cynical disbelief

"Yes" Meredith stuck to her guns

**It must be rearranged, oh**

"Which surgery is this?" Cristina took a gulp from her latte, everything about her screamed victory. Meredith stalled for a second as her mind scanned her vast operation knowledge for anything

"The—"She finally began

"Liar" Cristina interrupted her "Stop thinking about him"

"You're not the boss of my thoughts" Meredith unleashed the child in her, causing her friends to smirk affectionately in her direction.

**Her hair was pressed against her face**

**Her eyes were ran with anger**

**Enraged by things unsaid**

**And empty beds and bad behaviour**

**Something's gotta change**

"Morning" A voice she had grown to despise spoke from behind her. She didn't have to turn around to know who was addressing her and her friends.

"Morning" Meredith and the rest of the interns responded in unison all three pairs of eyes alternating from Meredith to Addison and vice versa. The wife and the other woman, you would think after three months the awkwardness would have subsided.

"Dr Stevens may I have a word?" Addison asked

"Sure" Izzie sent Meredith a small look of apology which didn't go unnoticed by Addison, those looks never did.

Izzie dropped her sandwich on to the plate and pressed her hands to table, pulling her legs out from under it with dramatic gesturing and moved three foot from the table to where Addison now stood a hot coffee in hand.

"I am going to be out of town this weekend; I would like you to pay extra attention to Miss Milton while I am gone, she is an old friend of mine and I want the best care for her as possible. You have continuously shown great talent in my field and I know you are still mad at me for my teaching methods, but could you overlook that for your career and do this for me?" Addison couldn't help noticing the silence of the interns as they secretly listened in on their conversation.

"I uh –"Izzie stuttered

"I can ask someone else Dr Stevens, but as an apology for trying to make you a better doctor. I wanted to give you this opportunity to shine" Addison spoke with authority

"Ok" Izzie agreed

"Thank You" Addison nodded and walked away, the clang of her expensive heels echoing as she went

"She's going away for the weekend" Meredith spoke as Izzie reclaimed her seat between Cristina and George

"I guess so" Izzie retorted, biting into her sandwich to avoid conversation

"Perhaps she needs some time away to deal with you know what" Meredith nodded to Cristina, assuming she would read her mind and think that Addison is leaving because Derek is leaving her.

"Stop it" Cristina snapped once more, as Meredith smiled devilishly

Cristina and Izzie shared a knowing glance as they both wondered whether Meredith was right, after all he had told her he was in love with her last night. Maybe this was the end for Derek and Addison, but even if it was the last person Cristina wanted her best friend with is the man that broke her so badly.

"Derek" Addison called his name from down a corridor as he paced ahead of her.

**I asked her to stay**

**But she wouldn't listen**

**She left before I had the chance to say**

**Oh**

**The words that would mend**

**The things that was broken**

**But now it's far too late she's gone away**

"Not now" He turned and told her

"When?" she pleaded desperately as he carried on walking

"Not now" He snapped before turning the corner and walking faster from her

Twenty minutes later he found himself yet again in a hallway with her. He knew she wasn't going to let him run away twice in a matter of moments.

"We have to talk about this Derek" her tone softer than twenty minutes earlier "I can't go to your mother's birthday without you"

**Every night you cry yourself to sleep**

**Thinking why does this happen to me**

**Why does every moment have to be so hard?**

**Hard to believe that**

**It's not over tonight**

**Just give me one more chance to make it right**

**I may not make it through the night**

**I won't go home without you**

"Fine it is settled then" He nodded firmly and went to walk away

"What do you mean" Addison stalled him as he knew she would

"You stay here and I will go, you see I can go to my mother's without you" He smiled coldly

"You are doing everything without me Derek" She complained sadly as they entered an empty conference room.

"If I remember correctly, it was you who started that trend" he hissed, the jest in voice holding no shield from his poisonous meaning

"I can't keep doing this Derek; I can't have the same argument with you over and over . . . I won't" her eyes finally locked on his with depressing realization "I won't" She repeated as her chest tightened

"Are you threatening me?" He snapped in disbelief

"I think you would have to care for it to be a threat babe" the way, in which the word babe rolled off her tongue spoke volumes to the state of their relationship, wasn't it meant to be an affectionate term, a pet name used out of love? Why did it now just sound like any other word, why did it sound like any other word and hurt like the worst word in the world?

**The taste of her breath, I'll never get over**

**And the noises that she makes keep me awake**

**Oh**

**The weight of things that remains unspoken**

**Built up so much it crushed us everyday**

"Do you want me Derek?" She choked slightly over the word me and began to plead calmly with her husband "Do you want this marriage?" She asked for the second time this week, the patience she had tried effortlessly to cling to now gone from her. "Don't say it unless you mean it, eleven years together Derek, just tell me honestly . . . Do I have a chance here?"

Derek looked through his wife's pained eyes and into her soul, the black mass of pain that was his wife lately. He wanted to do as he had the other day and tell her he loves her, make her smile for a short while. Put a stop to the fighting for a while so he could think about it all some more. But the look in her eyes, the quivering of her dark red lips begged him to tell her the truth

"I don't know" He answered genuinely, the harsh glare of his gaze softening into deep sadness. Addison released a breath she hadn't realized she was holding and her hand clasped over her pounding heart, her nails digging into the skin as she hurt more then she could comprehend.

"Thank you" She told him emotionally "Thank you for being honest"

With that she took a jagged breath, holding in the tears she didn't want him to see and turned and left him alone.

Derek rested his hands on the table and lowered his head, a wave of guilt washed over him as he experienced an overwhelming feeling of relief, because he was honest with her. He truly didn't know if he wanted to keep holding onto something he didn't believe in anymore. He didn't believe in many things anymore, but he knew for sure Addison and his marriage were slowly becoming a losing battle. Or were they always and that is why they are both so broken now? He knew she was sorry for what happened with Mark, he knew deep down she still loved him. It was possibly one of the few reasons why he was still her husband. Her mistake at ended the marriage but it was him who proposed to her, it was him who rushed the wedding because he wanted her to be Mrs Shepard as soon as possible.

It was his fault they had a marriage to break.

It was his fault

Placing his weight back on his trainer clad feet he ran his rough hands through his hair and took several deep breaths, regaining his posture.

**Every night you cry yourself to sleep**

**Thinking why does this happen to me**

**Why does every moment have to be so hard?**

**Hard to believe that**

**It's not over tonight**

**It's not over tonight**

**Just give me one more chance to make it right**

**I may not make it through the night**

**I won't go home without you **

**I won't go home without you**

**I won't go home without you**

**I won't go home without you**

**I won't go home without you**

"You are everywhere today" Meredith joked flirtatiously as she leant on the railing beside him. Derek smiled softly over at her before returning his gaze to the skyline view outside. The rain was still beating heavily against the large windows, the drops slamming against the firm yet fragile glass before trailing slowly down to the pane.

"Why do you never eat in the canteen?" Meredith threw a random question his way, completely pulling him from the memories of yet another fight with Addison. He stared blankly down at her, awaiting more from her

"I never really thought about it before, but you never eat with everyone else. You are always standing here, eating . . . alone" Meredith commented in that slow unintentionally seductive way that she does

"I like to eat alone" Derek confessed "Think while I chew" He joked and nudged his shoulder playfully into hers. "If you know that I always eat here, wouldn't that mean you chose this particular part of the hospital to pass by . . . on purpose?" By now the fight with Addison was locked away and his attention was fully on making Meredith squirm a little, his half eaten sandwich grew soggy in his warm hand

"Dr Shepard, are you so narcissistic you think I was stalking you?" Meredith turned her body from the railing to face him; her jaw slacked in feigned shock

"Oh yes" He laughed, he had learnt over the months he'd grown to know Meredith, how to listen to every word she says, all the while embracing every time the light catches her eyes and the sparkle, or every time her soft pink tongue trials along the pad of her lips subconsciously as it was at this very moment.

"Are you calling me a stalker?" She yelped loudly, humorously

"It's not so surprising . . . It takes one to know one" He winked sexily at her, the obvious sexual overtones of their flirting was completely over looked by both of them as they tried to their hardest to keep the happy moments they shared as comfortable as possible.

"Well yes . . . You did used to stalk me a lot . . . It was sad" Meredith sent him a sad face and patted his wide firm forearm patronisingly

"Don't mock it" He feigned hurt "It takes severe brain power and time efficiency to ensure I am where you are, when you are as much as possible each day" He loving the fact he could tell her his most honest confessions in such a way that no matter how seriously he meant them, she would take them as nothing more than joking banter.

"You're a smart stalker . . . how attractive" Her voice had fallen into her overly sexy, overly tired, broken drawl, The mere sound of her voice like that, sent small shockwaves right through him.

"I'm a hot doctor" He boasted with conviction

"A stalking doctor" She correct, grabbing his hand and pulling along with his sandwich toward her wanting lips. In one quick motion she took a small bite and released his arm.

"A dreamy doctor . . . isn't that right" He implored, lowering further against the railing so his face was level with hers. He couldn't hold back a small chuckle as Meredith's cheek burnt up to a lovely shade of pink. "What is it you call me again?" He nudged her again this time with his hips, pressing with gentle force into her side, causing her to sway.

"Derek or Dr Shepard . . . That is what I call you" She corrected, swallowing the mouthful of chicken salad sandwich

"Liar" He retorted sexily, his eyes slowly undressing her with every glance he took.

"Why are you even asking? . . . You know what everyone calls you, you like what everyone calls you" She poked her index finger into his white coat covered bicep

"I don't like half the female hospital staff addressing me as Dr McDreamy . . . But I like that you call me it" he admitted again completely honest, the pink on her soft cheeks turned a deeper, rosier shade.

"Called, I called you it. There's a rule that says married ex boyfriends can't be called McDreamy or anything pleasant in the McDictionary"

"So I can be called something unpleasant?" He asked and she couldn't tell if the concern was feigned or real

"Have been and most probably will again" Meredith played with him. The smile dropped quickly from her face when she saw he was genuinely hurt "It's just a silly thing between me and Cristina and everyone. A bonding thing" She reassured lovingly

"What is the rule for divorced ex boyfriends?" this time he kept his eyes on the windows and watched her secretly from his peripheral vision

"I think those are some special circumstances, I will have to consult the McDictionary on that one" Derek nodded and smiled warmly.

Meredith wanted to keep her mouth shut and just stay out of it, but wild horses could not have stopped her asking "Are you getting—"

"I don't know" Derek interjected, not wanting to make her say the words "It just shouldn't be this hard" He confessed

"They don't write books or songs about the ones that come easy" Meredith couldn't believe she was standing here giving him marriage advice about him with another woman.

Derek nodded again slowly but kept his eyes away from her. He wasn't sure what he'd say if he looked at her right now. He was already beyond guilty for telling her he was in love with her last night. He had to stop hurting her

"I should go" Meredith exclaimed smartly. The moment was rapidly growing in a well know, well rehearsed tension. Derek nodded for the last time before Meredith walked down the pathway and into the first open elevator. Anywhere but near him

**I fell asleep on a late night train  
I missed my stop and I went round again  
Why would I want to see you now?  
To fix it up, make it up somehow**

Baby I'll try again, try again  
Baby I die every night, every time

As the day faded and night took over, Addison hung up her white coat and reapplied her lipstick, before making her way through the waiting room on her way home. As she passed the sea of nervous sad people, all sitting in the waiting area, waiting to find out if a loved one was going to be fine.

Waiting to finally hear good news

While preparing to hear something bad

As like it only usually happens in the movies the people parted and on the other end of the room was Derek, his hands stuffed into the big pockets of his white coat. His beautiful eyes while far away were evidently sad; he smiled laxly as she made her way through the people and closer to him.

**What I was isn't what I am  
I'd change back but I don't know if I can**

Still I'll try, try again, try again  
Baby I die every night, every time

Slowly Derek pulled his ring from his pocket and held it before him. Addison slowed her pace afraid of what he was about to do or say. In one quick movement Derek placed the ring back on his finger and lifted his gaze to find her. Unable to be away from him any longer, Addison broke out into a heartfelt wide smile and quickly made her way to him.

"Going home?" Derek asked smiling at his wife

"I can wait for you if you like" Addison asked, unable to keep the smile from her lips.

"No you should go home and pack. We have to leave in a few days and you know how long it takes you to pack anything" He instructed gently, he couldn't help feeling a little good as the woman he took to be his wife all those years ago stood before him happy because of something he did.

Her happiness in the moment was his fault.

He liked that feeling.

"Thank you babe" Addison spoke with true emotion as she wrapped her arms around his shoulders and held him tightly.

**But I was made the way I am  
I'm not a stone; I'm just a man  
Lay down your arms and I will lay down mine  
Rip back the time that we've been wasting**

"I am not promising anything yet" He admitted and Addison loosened her hold on him and pulled back to listen to him "This trip to New York is our make or break. I promise to try this weekend if you do, and if we come home feeling better, If I come home feeling better about our marriage, I will keep trying until there is no more try left in me and I am old man" He smiled at her and kissed the corner of her mouth.

"I love you" Addison couldn't help the words escaping her

"I know" Derek replied, there was no pressure within himself to say it back or even feel bad for not saying it back. He had been honest with her, and here she was telling him she loved him. It would not hurt him to give their marriage 4 more days.

Would it?

**Still I'll try, try again, try again  
baby I die every night, every time**


	16. Chapter 16

"Don't even bother Alex" Izzie hissed as she brushed past him in the lightly lit hallway. It was almost eight pm, her shift ended at nine and to her it couldn't end fast enough. She had spent more time avoiding Alex Karev then she had working, or at least that was how it felt. If she wasn't avoiding Alex she was avoiding Meredith. She knew it was completely ridiculous to believe Meredith could read her mind and see that she knew things about her relationship with Derek then even she knew at the moment. And talk of the devil, as Izzie continued to run from yet another possible encounter with Alex she stumbled upon Derek. There he stood with his back to her, his hands buried in his pockets and his head fixed on one location. It didn't take Einstein to figure out who was probably at the end of his gaze.

Oh and low and behold behind the glass doors of the hospital, there she was. The very person she had been avoiding all day, the very person even she knew, Derek shouldn't be staring at. Feeling completely voyeuristic and yet unable to control herself, Izzie took a couple more steps in a North West direction. Perfectly positioning her just far away they couldn't notice her, but close enough to witness and swoon silently at the look on Derek's face. Derek was a good-looking man, dark and handsome but for almost as long as she'd known him he'd been Meredith's guy. Therefore any potential naughty thoughts about him were subconsciously cast aside many moons ago. She knew it wasn't his looks or anything that made her swoon, it was the fantasy that one day a man could look at her the way he was always looking at Meredith, especially when she didn't know he was. The fantasies that ran, sometimes grossly, through Izzie's mind about what Derek could possibly be thinking while staring at Meredith the way he did made her swoon. Swoon for the reassurance that there is real and deep love out there, swoon like a five year old watching prince charming defeat the dragon to save sleeping beauty. Granted in this scenario Addison was the dragon, which was harsh even for Izzie, considering how Addison had treated her. But still in a symbolic way there is this massive thing Derek has to defeat before he can awaken sleeping beauty from her heartbroken slumber.

And right now watching him escape the world for a while and simply watch Meredith, restored Izzie's faith that all men aren't asses, just that some of them have dragons to slay before they can love you right.

After what felt like an eternity Derek finally shifted his head from where Meredith was and stared awkwardly at his feet. Moving her position slightly and lifting her patient chart a little higher to avoid looking completely like a stalking fool, Izzie took a closer look at Meredith. She couldn't make out who Meredith was with but there was definitely a man beside her and she looked pleased to see him. Meredith's arms flayed around his neck as he picked her up and spun her a little before settling her down on her feet and gesturing energetically as they talked and laughed.

Izzie watched as Derek glanced from his shoes to Meredith and her male company and back to his shoes. His whole frame tensed as the man cupped Meredith's cheek and kissed the other one softly, much to Meredith's joy. Meredith then stood and waved for a while as the man walked towards the car park, occasionally glancing back and smiling at her, before he reached his car and Meredith walked back into the hospital and in off in the opposite direction to Izzie and Derek, much to both of their satisfaction.

Deciding she had spent enough time stalking the Derek and Meredith saga, Izzie made her way to the elevators to check on the last patient of her shift. She smiled awkwardly as the doors opened and Addison stepped out while fastening the top button of her coat. Izzie felt compelled to stare through open doors as Addison made her way towards Derek who hadn't moved an inch from where he had been watching Meredith. His hands still in his pockets, she saw him smile a little towards his wife.

She couldn't help loudly gulping as she watched Derek pull the wedding out from his pocket and began to place it on his finger, and she sighed heavily with a sarcastic smile to person beside her when he pressed to close the elevator doors.

Unable to keep her thoughts to herself Izzie scanned the first floor for Cristina, only Cristina could understand her at the moment.

"He .ut... ring back on" She breathlessly released as she entered the patient room Cristina was prepping for surgery

"Ok I don't speak over excited ... I need a full sentence" Cristina finished writing on the chart

"Derek, he put his ring back on" Izzie finally answered after catching her breath

"Oh" Cristina closed the chart and placed it back in its holder

"Yeah oh ... and I was thinking he told me he was going back to New York this weekend and Addison is going out of town. You think they are going together?" Izzie rambled

"No I think they are going separate for the element of surprise when they casually run into each other outside central park ... Of course they are going together" Cristina smarted off, much to the amusement of the quirky looking old woman in the bed.

"What do we do?" Izzie grew rapidly dramatic with each word

"What do you mean, what do we do? We do nothing, there is nothing to be done" Cristina assured with confidence

"We have to do something, the dragon is beating Aurora" she continued, lost in her own ramblings

"Huh"

"Nothing" Izzie quickly tried to usher the conversation on

"You are a strange, strange person" Cristina stated like a child observing the weirdest monkey in the zoo,

"Noted" Izzie replied "So what are we going to do? Do we warn Meredith?"

"God Izzie, I don't know ... "Cristina exasperated,

"Is it wise to to risk the chance of her shooting the messenger?" she added after a moment's thought

"I see your point" Izzie nodded along, "Let's ponder some more"

Both satisfied with the notion of putting the problem on the back burner, they left the patients room and separated to finish out the last hour of their shift. They both knew it was wrong of them as friends of Meredith's to simply cower out of telling her such devastating news. But they knew the reaction she would have and whether she took it well or not she would more than likely hold one of them or both of them responsible for any pain that should occur

Heading towards the locker room as her watch struck nine pm Izzie was yet again faced with Alex, only this time he wasn't running after her or trying to speak to her, he was leaning on the nurses desk flirting with the petite blonde behind the desk.

Perfect

"Are we going to Joe's tonight?" Izzie stormed into the locker room, throwing her stethoscope forcefully into her food filled locker. George and Cristina immediately turned to Meredith

"Why are you all looking at me?" Meredith asked defensively. George and Cristina raised their eyebrows needing nothing more to state their point. "I am not the only reason we go to Joe's" Meredith half stated and half asked

"You kinda are" Izzie spoke up after thinking for a moment and agreeing with the other interns.

"It's not a bad thing" George cut in while changing into his jeans "When Cristina has a bad day she studies, when Izzie has a bad day she usually cooks" He turns to Izzie, now unsure why she wants to go to Joe's in the first place

"We are out of cookie dough and cookies aren't going to make me want to hit Alex less ... Ass" Izzie rambled more to herself and her locker, then her friends.

"When I have a bad day ... I don't know what I do" George thought aloud, raising his head towards to ceiling as though the thoughts were going to fall from the sky, his three friends all joined in, lifting their heads and pondering his pointless question.

"You rant to me and you think about—"Izzie finally responded, taking a swift glance in Meredith's direction before George cut in

"What has Alex done now?" George warned her with wide eyes to stop talking

"He's just an ass. A big emotionally retarded ass" Izzie hissed while fixing her blonde locks into a loose clip.

"Yes we are going to Joe's" Meredith finally answered Izzie's first question. "But not because I am all dark and twisty. I am actually very fine"

"You can't be very fine. You can be fine but you can't be very fine. Very fine would make you good. Are you good?" Cristina mocked

"I am good" Meredith lips curved into a very assuring smile

"If that smile has anything do with McDreamy—"Cristina began to warn her person

**Don't let your mind get weary and confused  
your will be still, don't try  
don't let your heart get heavy child  
Inside you there's a strength that lies**

"What is so wrong with McDreamy making me smile? Do you prefer when he makes me sad?" Meredith stunned the interns as she snapped at Cristina. Izzie and George busied themselves with collecting their belongings and fidgeting "Is that it? You can't be happy with Burke so you want me miserable over Derek" Meredith was immediately sorry for her harsh words, she hadn't meant to be so cruel.

"You are miserable Meredith" Cristina overlooked the dig about her and Burke and tried to knock some sense into her best friend. "You're smiling about him today, but this feeling you are feeling for him right now, is the very feeling that is going to make you sad when he does something else to hurt you. You are better than him. You are better that letting him do this to you"

"What is doing to me" Meredith yelled louder then she intended "Is it so wrong that he is trying to make amends for what happened?" The two women hadn't even noticed Izzie and George had left the room, they also hadn't noticed that the two best friends were now standing outside the locker room eavesdropping "Besides he is leaving her. He isn't even wearing his ring anymore"

**Don't let your soul get lonely child  
It's only time, it will go by  
don't look for love in faces, places  
It's in you, that's where you'll find kindness**

"He isn't trying to make amends Meredith he is having his cake and eating it too. Do you wanna be cake Mer" Cristina now yelled back

"Why are you saying all of this? You have been attacking me left right and centre over him all day" Meredith choked back angry tears

"Because he isn't leaving her" Cristina screamed in frustration. It was her turn to feel the wave of immediate regret.

"What?" Meredith stood stunned and confused.

"He told Izzie he is going back to New York for his Mother's birthday this weekend" Cristina explained, finding she was unable to finish her thought and tell Meredith that he is wearing his ring again.

"So" Meredith obviously not putting two and two together

"So Addison is leaving the city for the weekend too" Cristina's heart stung a little to her surprise as the penny finally dropped for Meredith and her lip began to lightly quiver.

"You don't need to be his cake" Cristina assured her as she rubbed her hand up and down Meredith's still scrub clad arm in the best comforting manor she could.

"I'm pathetic" Meredith allowed the tears to stream from her sullen eyes and down her cheeks.

"Pathetic" She nibbled and gnawed at her small bottom lip as the soft skin quivered under her rough teeth.

"You are not pathetic ... Just full of the yucky love stuff" Cristina smiled

**Don't lose your faith in me  
and I will try not to lose faith in you  
don't put your trust in walls  
'Cause walls will only crush you when they fall**

"I want this to be over, I hate feeling like this. It's like he's in my skin and I can't get away from him" Meredith admitted as she leant heavily against the cold metal lockers

"That is what I am here for ... I read somewhere it is the best friend's duty to de-loser ex boyfriend you" Meredith smiled begrudgingly. "As much pleasure as saying mean things to people can bring me, saying them to you doesn't have the same effect" Cristina struggled with trying to tell Meredith she wanted nothing less than to hurt her. But she knew sometimes tough love was required.

"Why did he take off his ring and why was he talking about divorce to me" Cristina swallowed hard hoping Meredith wouldn't actually expect an answer.

"He was talking about divorce to you ... ass" was all she could respond with, the guy really was enemy number one for her right now

"I am seriously considering lesbianism" It was Cristina's turn to smile at her person

"Women can be just as ass-like, only without the much needed man parts" They both nodded at each other after sharing the same mental image

"Joes?" Meredith asked, causing Cristina to laugh out loud

"Here comes the ass now" Izzie glared over at Alex as he approached the bar and his so-called work friends.

"Can I talk to you" He asked Izzie, completely disregarding the slightly intoxicated interns beside her

"I have nothing to say to you" Izzie quipped turning her back to him and taking another shot.

"You are neither dark nor twisty Izzie, this Meredith like stunt is stupid"

"Hey" Meredith defended herself drunkenly

"I forgot to make one phone call and I lost my rag, I am an ass ... can we make up or something?" He grew a little insecure as they all watched him try and make up with her

"It's not just one phone call Alex, you didn't even think about me long enough to consider the fact I was sitting alone waiting for you" Izzie screamed over the music in the dark bar they had all grown to call a second home.

"Iz it wasn't like that" He explained, he knew he had to use the word sorry but he was going to be damned if he said it in front of George and everyone else

"Just forget about it Alex. Forget about us, I don't have the time to spend hating you or anything else you. I am a surgical intern. You are an ass ... Go away" With that Alex turned away and walked towards the door. As he moved out of ear shot Izzie released a deep breath and ordered another round of shots.

"Congratulations Izzie" Meredith raised a shot to her. "That was amazing. I envy you ... right now I envy you Isobel Stevens" Meredith downed the shot and wiped her lips with the back of her hand sloppily.

Izzie sent Cristina a concerned glance as they all witnessed yet another night of Meredith drowning her sorrows. Meredith pushed back from her seat and declared to the group she needed to use the bathroom.

"Is she ok?" Izzie asked Cristina

"Are you kidding me? She just found out he wasn't leaving his wife for her ... again. If I could buy the perfect alibi that man would be at the bottom of a river" Cristina took another handful of salty nuts and threw them into her beer tinted mouth

"I kinda feel sorry for him" Izzie spoke to Cristina's shock

"Sorry for him?" Cristina asked perplexed

"Yeah, it's hard to explain but I think he really meant it when he told her he loved her"

"Izzie, get your head out of the clouds" Cristina interjected

"No I am serious. I have spoken to him lately. I have seen the way he is around her at home. He is a complete ass for the way he has hurt her and maybe I am just a glass half full person, but I think he really meant it when he told her he loved her"

"Who loved who" Meredith asked as she climbed back onto her seat

"Nobody" Cristina answered Meredith first, "it is completely irrelevant whether you are right or not don't you think" she answered Izzie, Izzie nodded in agreement as George sat once again completely left out of the conversation. The one constant thought running through his mind, that most men are unlike him and yet they are the ones two hot surgical interns are drinking beer and crying over.

Asses

"We should go home" Izzie glanced at Meredith who told her with stern eyes that leaving wasn't an option yet "After another round" Izzie compromised, a little afraid of her tiny yet fierce roommate. Meredith smiled dryly in agreement and ordered another round of shots and beers.

A full twenty four hours had passed since Cristina had told Meredith that Derek wasn't planning on leaving his wife and although part of her wanted and needed to believe the words that fell from his lips, the sentences that contained the word divorce. She knew she had to trust Cristina, after all he had promised he was signing the divorce papers once before and look how that turned out.

Twenty four hours and she had successfully avoided any situation in which she may have run into him. She was afraid of how she would react seeing that gold band suffocating his finger.

_Ring_

_Ring_

Now free from her hurtful thoughts Meredith checked her caller ID and smiled when she saw who was calling.

"Adam hi" She smiled down the line, hoping the involuntary curve of her lips would project that she was internally happy, or at least ok.

"Hi" He responded in his deep Brooklyn accent

"Hi" Meredith repeated, smacking her hand to her forehead at her girlish stupidity

"I have been looking through several tourist magazines to find a decent restaurant to take you, when I realized that unlike me you are a resident of this wet and windy city. So I declare that you must choose a restaurant" Adam rambled causing Meredith to smile genuinely

"You don't have to go through so much trouble Adam. We are just old friends catching up" Meredith reassured him, unaware of the disappointment she was inflicting

"If you can call what we were in college, friends" He laughed playfully

"We never actually dated" She reminded him firm yet jokingly

**Good loving, the girl's got plenty good lovin'  
Ask me how I know, and I'll tell you so  
Used to be my girl  
I respect her, when she was mine, I used to neglect her  
Oh, she wanted more than I could give  
But as long as I live, she'll be my girl**

"We should have" He spoke seriously, "I'm joking around" He reassured when Meredith failed to respond, he could barely make out her heart beating

"Ha ha" Meredith laughed nervously

"How about I pick you up at eight Saturday night and you can show me around this little city of yours" Meredith released the piece of hair wrapped around her finger and cleared her throat.

"Sure, eight it is" she coughed again, unable to clear the tickle at the back of her throat

"Bye Mer" He spoke softly, a small tingle burst from the pit of her stomach as he called her Mer.

**And If I had the chanc****e once more, I'd take her back **

**As a matter a fact, right away (I'd take her back)  
I'd take her back   
Not only good-lookin'  
But lookin' smart, got a thing cooking   
Ask me how I know, and I'll tell you so  
She used to be my girl  
(She used to be my girl) Used to be my girl  
(She used to be my girl) My girl, my girl  
Oh, her personality, the girl was so right for me  
She's my girl**

"Bye" She returned before flipping her phone shut and laying back down on the freshly made hospital bed beneath her.

She hadn't spoken to Adam since she left college and left for Europe. He hadn't been happy about her plans to travel for so long, he had wanted her to start medical school with him and continue the relationship neither of them would admit they were really having. He had always assumed that her talk of Europe would be one of those pipe dreams people never really achieve, but much to his amazement and disappointment, Meredith had one huge fight with her mother down the phone one afternoon, Half of which he had witnessed before she fled to the bathroom of his father's penthouse for privacy. The next thing he knew Meredith was booking hotels and air tickets and there was nothing he do or say, after all she wasn't technically his girlfriend.

"Am I interrupting" Derek spoke from the doorway, causing Meredith to remove the arm that was covering her eyes and sit half upright

"Yes" Meredith's tone was flat and intolerant

"What have I done now" He smiled in the way only Derek can, she met a man whose eyes sparkled so much.

"Just more of the same" She half heartedly replied

"Ok" He admitted defeat quickly and turned to leave

"Was your finger cold?" Meredith asked him in the same unforgiving tone

"Meredith" He began with no knowledge of how to proceed further

"It's fine Derek I really do get it. You are married and you have a wife and it is all so very text book. Just do me a favour and figure out how to fix your marriage without involving me"

"I don't involve you, I try to keep you as far away from it as possible" He answered genuinely

"You both work at this hospital Derek that is close enough. And then if that wasn't close enough to ask me how I would feel if you were divorced ...it's just enough Derek." She warned him coldly

"Have you found someone else" He had told himself for over a day that he wouldn't ask her about the man he saw her with outside the hospital, he told himself he had no right o ask her anything or expect anything from her but right now in this moment he thought he might physically explode if he didn't ask her about it, about him.

"Are you suggesting I can only tell you to stop bothering me if I have someone else? Do you think I am that dependant on a man?"

"No Meredith I didn't—"

"Because I am not dependant on a man, I have never been dependant on a man" Meredith continued outraged.

"I wasn't implying anything" Derek tried to calm her down "so the guy outside the hospital last night—"he seriously couldn't help himself pushing the topic,

"You were spying on me" Meredith snapped

"No ... I saw you and I saw him and—"

"And what Derek, you had two and two and somehow got five" Meredith quipped now sitting on the edge of the bed.

"So I misread the situation" was all Derek took from her words

"That is neither here nor there Derek ... What right do you have to ask me about anything"

"Did I misread the situation" He asked again with unwavering determination

"Derek you're married" Meredith ran her fingers vigorously through the half matted locks of her dirty blonde hair

"Did I misread it Meredith" Derek asked again, his hand pushed the door closed and the once softly lit room darkened into near blackness

"You have a wife" Meredith's voice came through the darkness and he stepped closer to her, the sweetness of her perfume getting stronger as he neared her

"Tell me I was wrong" her eyes slowly adjusted to the dark and his face became clear before her

"It wouldn't matter if you were" she looked intently into his darkened eyes as he nudged her leg slightly so he could stand between them and see her clearer

"Tell me, please" his voice dropped and his words broke with hidden emotion

"Why does it matter?" Meredith waved her arms in expression, although the gesture was lost on him. Well aside from the way her arm brushed up his as she moved. The fabric of her scrub top silkily gliding over his cashmere jumper

"Meredith" he breathed her name, neither of them were sure if he meant for it to sound as sexy as it did but he smiled a little as Meredith took a deeper breath

"Why does it matter?" she asked again, the cute childlike tone of her voice causing his smile to widen

"Because it's driving me crazy" he chuckled softly as he spoke, his hand now on the bed beside hers. His thumb ran carelessly from the tip of her thumb to were her hand met her wrist over and over again

"You've drove me crazy for months ... that's not enough ... you are married to Addison" Meredith forced her name from her lips in the hope that it would be the magic word to remove him from between her legs. Her efforts were in vain as Derek slowly brushed his middle finger from her temple to the line of her lax jaw, the memory of his warm touch leaving a tingling trail as he went

"And I'm in love with you" he had been relieved when she didn't mention his declaration from the other night, he was even half sure she couldn't remember ever seeing him that night, but he didn't wanna hold it back anymore, even if it cost him his marriage he wasn't going to hold back the words anymore, after all it wasn't like he had held back on any other aspect of his feelings for the woman subtly trembling in his arms.

**Stripped my senses  
on the spot  
I've never been defenceless  
I can't even make sense of this  
you speak and I don't hear a word**

Smiling to himself as Meredith parted her wet lips and tilted her head higher, Derek lowered his head closer to hers, his hand now wrapped around the hand it had been caressing while the other tightened its grip on the base of her slender neck. The mixed scent of coffee and mint gum blended in with the sweetness of her perfume and intoxicated his senses. Lowering his head closer his tongue darted instinctively and dampened the pad of his bottom lip ready for what he was planning to do.

Eagerly anticipating his lips upon hers, Meredith snaked her free arm around his waist and gripped the waistband on his jeans, pulling him closer to her.

**What would happen if we kissed  
would your tongue slip past my lips  
would you run away, would you stay  
or would I melt into you.  
Mouth to mouth, lust to lust  
spontaneously combust**

Bunching a handful of her hair in his hand Derek guided her head towards his, their lips now millimetres apart, he waited for her to swallow hard one more time before crushing his mouth to hers with frenzied intensity. He knew she had been expecting a tender kiss but with her scent and touch devouring him he couldn't control the sudden burst of passion.

**The room is spinning out of control  
Act like you didn't notice  
Brushed my hand**

Breaths mingled and hearts pounding Derek pushed himself further into Meredith but not enough to cause her to fall back on the bed. Both of his hands now cascaded through her hair, holding her prisoner to his kisses, his tongue pressed passionately to hers, moving in unison with hers, pressing and tickling.

He stopped kissing her briefly but kept his mouth against hers when he felt her fragile nimble hands unbuckling the belt around his waist. He wanted this, he wanted nothing but this. Once she had opened his belt and unclasped his button he pulled back from her lips and studied her face. Her flustered cheeks and reddened lips, her dark passion laden eyes drinking him in, she wanted this.

**Forbidden fruit  
Ring on your finger  
You're such a moral, moral man  
You throw it away, no question  
Will I pretend I'm innocent**

Running his hands down her sides, making sure to lightly run the pad of his thumb over the curve of her chest, he finally placed his warm hands under the hem of her scrub top and the heat of his hands collided with the soft milky skin of her torso. Keeping his hands constantly on her body and his eyes fixated on hers as they breathed in heavy unison, he trailed his hands up her body slowly. The hem of the top collecting at his wrist and bunching up as it went. He smiled sexily when she missed a breath as his fingers and then palm brushed over the hardness of her chest. Somewhere during the heated moment Meredith had lifted her arms up above her head in anticipation for him. Curling her leg around his thigh she rolled her hips across the roughness of his tightened jeans and smiled herself when he gasped. Once Derek had no more skin to touch on her chest he pulled the shirt of her head with one hand while the other moved confidently the clasp at the back of her bra and with one quick click the clasps parted and one of the straps dropped from the edge of her shoulder, down her arm. Flinging the top aside he curled his finger in the centre of her bra and pulled seductively until it fell from her chest, the straps tickled as he trailed them down her goose pimpled arms and away from her body.

**I struggle with myself again  
quickly the walls are crumbling  
don't know if I can turn away**

As the cold breeze of the air conditioner sent less sexy shivers up her spine, Meredith quickly pulled his jumper of his head and unbuttoned his buttons with speedy precision, All the while their eyes never leaving one and other, the moment never wavering. Once his chest was as bare as hers he pushed him from between her legs and on shaking legs she stood. Lifting onto her tip-toes Meredith kissed his collar bone and seductively trailed her lips up towards his neck, her bottom lip drying and stalling as she went, this action only allowed her to caress his skin with her tongue as she hydrated her lips. Derek stood helpless to her ministrations, his head laxly lay back as he stood with his eyes closed and faced to the ceiling. Once her mouth reached her neck Meredith nibbled and sucked on the salty flesh as she unzipped his pants and pushed the denim fabric over his hips and down his thighs. Taking some control Derek helped kick the pants from his body, bending once they met his trainers he undone the laces and while he was almost on his knees he caressed his hands up her calves and to the back of her thighs, her small hands gripping his bare shoulders as he reached higher and cupped her ass in his large hands. With the mission still on his mind he grabbed all the fabric at her waist and in one swoop he pulled it all from her skin.

Standing back up to face her he smiled cheekily as she assessed that he was still wearing boxers and she was naked. Wrapping his arm around her waist he began kissing her again, her lips, her neck, her chest, every where he could reach without bending, that would all come later.

Picking her up and wrapping her thin legs around his waist he lay her down on the bed and climbed above her, his hard almost naked body crushing and grinding with her softer one.

**What would happen if we kissed?**


End file.
